Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
The only person I need to forgive is myself. Everyone has been telling me for years now that I need to forgive the people the have hurt me. The truth is that I only need to forgive myself for allowing that shit to happen. It's been years and I still haven't forgiven myself for what happened. To be honest I don't know when I will be able to but at least now I have fully processed that I don't owe anyone my forgiveness to make them feel better about themselves.
There is a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiveness is being able to think about what happened without feeling fear. I'm not there yet, and that's okay. Acceptance is being okay with feeling the emotions again when you think about what happened.
I don't think I can get to the point of forgiveness when I've done everything I could do to just forget and live on and I think tonight is the night where I can accept that fact that I don't remember everything of what occurred. I don't remember what exactly I was wearing. I don't remember what you said on the phone when you kicked me out of your home Mom.
I made sure to remember that Dad took me out for pizza when I came to him crying asking if I could live with him. I remember him taking on the responsibility of taking care of me while still paying you child support. I remember him doing everything he could to make sure I was comfortable and set up for success as an adult.
I remember him doing his best to make sure I stayed out of the courtroom. Even after you kidnapped me and I had to make two separate police reports since you lived in a different state he made sure I didn't have to testify in court. He's the one that cared, even when he had to care from a distance when you wouldn't let him come pick us up for his weekends as a child.
You would always put us in the middle of the battlefield for any advantage you could get in the eyes of the court. Anytime it looked like you were going to lose the war you would attempt to take the cowards way out of battle. You get no forgiveness for making us watch that. No child should EVER have to watch while their parent tries to kill themselves with no way to stop it, just for the parent to play it off like it never happened.
You get no forgiveness for telling your child that they should have been aborted. There is no coming back from that. There is no coming back from just watching your child being choked and looking apathetic.
I can accept that all these things have happened and I can't wave a magic wand that will undo it. I will never give you forgiveness to make yourself feel better. I will however forgive myself for this situation since I didn't have any control of it, but I will always hold anger when I think of everything that has happened.
A/N I wrote this a month ago and its been chilling in my drafts. If anyone wants to have a discussion about these thoughts and go in depth that would be fine. Keep it respectful please. Legacy out.