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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Forgiveness vs. Acceptance

by Thisislegacy


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The only person I need to forgive is myself. Everyone has been telling me for years now that I need to forgive the people the have hurt me. The truth is that I only need to forgive myself for allowing that shit to happen. It's been years and I still haven't forgiven myself for what happened. To be honest I don't know when I will be able to but at least now I have fully processed that I don't owe anyone my forgiveness to make them feel better about themselves.

There is a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiveness is being able to think about what happened without feeling fear. I'm not there yet, and that's okay. Acceptance is being okay with feeling the emotions again when you think about what happened. 

I don't think I can get to the point of forgiveness when I've done everything I could do to just forget and live on and I think tonight is the night where I can accept that fact that I don't remember everything of what occurred. I don't remember what exactly I was wearing. I don't remember what you said on the phone when you kicked me out of your home Mom. 

I made sure to remember that Dad took me out for pizza when I came to him crying asking if I could live with him. I remember him taking on the responsibility of taking care of me while still paying you child support. I remember him doing everything he could to make sure I was comfortable and set up for success as an adult. 

I remember him doing his best to make sure I stayed out of the courtroom. Even after you kidnapped me and I had to make two separate police reports since you lived in a different state he made sure I didn't have to testify in court. He's the one that cared, even when he had to care from a distance when you wouldn't let him come pick us up for his weekends as a child. 

You would always put us in the middle of the battlefield for any advantage you could get in the eyes of the court. Anytime it looked like you were going to lose the war you would attempt to take the cowards way out of battle. You get no forgiveness for making us watch that. No child should EVER have to watch while their parent tries to kill themselves with no way to stop it, just for the parent to play it off like it never happened. 

You get no forgiveness for telling your child that they should have been aborted. There is no coming back from that. There is no coming back from just watching your child being choked and looking apathetic. 

I can accept that all these things have happened and I can't wave a magic wand that will undo it. I will never give you forgiveness to make yourself feel better. I will however forgive myself for this situation since I didn't have any control of it, but I will always hold anger when I think of everything that has happened. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

A/N I wrote this a month ago and its been chilling in my drafts. If anyone wants to have a discussion about these thoughts and go in depth that would be fine. Keep it respectful please. Legacy out. 


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53 Reviews


Points: 40
Reviews: 53

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Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:33 am
izzywidgeon wrote a review...



I saw this in the Green Room and thought it looked interesting, so I took a peek.
I'm not used to reading personal memoirs, but this struck me in a way that I can't really describe.
I do agree with you, saying that you don't have to forgive others to move on - some people deserve to sit with the things they've done (and in this case, the egregious things that your mother did, I assume) and reflect on their misgivings and flaws.

Stanza that stuck out (to me):
"You get no forgiveness for telling your child that they should have been aborted. There is no coming back from that. There is no coming back from just watching your child being choked and looking apathetic. "

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I can't imagine what your life was like. I know those seem like empty words, but I mean every single one. This piece has allowed me to reflect on my own relationship with my parents, and I want to try and fix it, so..um, thank you for that.

Honestly, I'm so glad I clicked on this piece.
You were so brave to put it out on here, for all to see.

Best regards,

IzzyWidgeon




Thisislegacy says...


Im glad that this piece might help you get a better relationship with your parents (if thats whats good for you).

I know i wrote this personally when i finally had the realization that i forgave myself for being in these situations and realized it wasnt my fault. Most of these situations happened about 4 years ago and i finally just realized this a month ago. I know i probably should go see a therapist but its hard for me (ive tried therapy 2 times before and the last time i was in therapy my mother decided she was going to get all the therapist notes and try to use it against me in court. The therapist knew there was a custody battle going on).



Thisislegacy says...


Im glad that this piece might help you get a better relationship with your parents (if thats whats good for you).

I know i wrote this personally when i finally had the realization that i forgave myself for being in these situations and realized it wasnt my fault. Most of these situations happened about 4 years ago and i finally just realized this a month ago. I know i probably should go see a therapist but its hard for me (ive tried therapy 2 times before and the last time i was in therapy my mother decided she was going to get all the therapist notes and try to use it against me in court. The therapist knew there was a custody battle going on).



Thisislegacy says...


Im glad that this piece might help you get a better relationship with your parents (if thats whats good for you).

I know i wrote this personally when i finally had the realization that i forgave myself for being in these situations and realized it wasnt my fault. Most of these situations happened about 4 years ago and i finally just realized this a month ago. I know i probably should go see a therapist but its hard for me (ive tried therapy 2 times before and the last time i was in therapy my mother decided she was going to get all the therapist notes and try to use it against me in court. The therapist knew there was a custody battle going on).



Thisislegacy says...


Im glad that this piece might help you get a better relationship with your parents (if thats whats good for you).

I know i wrote this personally when i finally had the realization that i forgave myself for being in these situations and realized it wasnt my fault. Most of these situations happened about 4 years ago and i finally just realized this a month ago. I know i probably should go see a therapist but its hard for me (ive tried therapy 2 times before and the last time i was in therapy my mother decided she was going to get all the therapist notes and try to use it against me in court. The therapist knew there was a custody battle going on).



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201 Reviews


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Fri Jan 08, 2021 3:56 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hey! Saw this in the Green Room.

It's always difficult to review memoir type things because you don't wanna step on toes as it is your story to tell, but I'll give it a go!

I totally relate to the message. I don't believe that you have to forgive to move on. But you do have to just accept that that happened. I dealt with a few bad situations in the past few years, just from people not being who I thought they were and treating me how I shouldn't have been treated. And a way down the line I just accepted that they were bad people and what was happening actually had nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry about what happened to you, it sounds truly awful. But referring to suicide as a 'cowards way out' is a very harmful way of wording it. I get that your situation with your mother and the anger you hold towards her shaped that sentence but they way it is written makes it seem like you are referring to all suicides as cowardly. For people who have had loved ones meet that tragic end, it reads quite heartless.




Thisislegacy says...


I was not intending for all suicide to be the cowards way out. Its just how she would use that as a weapon to make sure her kids would stay in her custody as cowardly. I might have to find a different way to word it while still getting the intention of her using threats of suicide as a weapon against people she claimed to care for.




I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe