Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Mom, this is an open letter addressed just to you. Aren't you excited to hear what I have to say? I'm sure you'll love it.
-
You abandoned me then said that I left willingly. How do you lie so easily?
You said that you were a good mom, but where were you when I couldn't get calm?
Wasn't I the poster child to be left behind, or did you just change your mind?
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Pity party is where I play, at least according to what you say.
A liar is what I am, not like you ever gave a damn.
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You love to brag about me, but you were an absentee.
Why don't you leave me alone; it's not like you have the control.
I'm not going back to your "home". There it felt like I was on my own.
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I emotionally raised myself; you didn't even try to shorten the distance.
And now it seems like you want to ruin my life. Wondering why I run as you're holding the knife.
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I honestly don't want to lose you, but I can't deal with all the shit you put me through.
This barely covers anything, but you will stay unconvinced.
-
Goodbye,
Your "pathetic" daughter
________________________________________________________
I made some edits to this piece. If it needs more editing tell me. If you have questions about content you can pm me. Otherwise you can just comment publicly on this piece. Legacy.
(Please don't make comments such as "You're so dramatic, you should love your mother. You're just saying things because you're 16, you don't actually mean any of it. Thanks)
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello, Thisislegacy! Ruby here from team Vader's Raiders to review your poem here!
First I must say, I'm so sorry to hear some of the contents of this work. It hit me like a brick to the face. Not only is it sad that you were/are treated badly, but that you emotionally had no one to fall back on. This piece isn't just a good one because of the rhyme scheme ect. but because it's very real to you, and to anyone experiencing things similar to this.
Although I feel bad about critiquing something so close to heart I believe this line could be better written
Because almost all the rest of the poem rhymes, I think it'd be good to end with another solid rhyme, but I guess that's up to you as the author. Anyway stay blessed. I hope whatever's happening with you can be made better.
~Ruby <3
Yeah I had a hard time with the last line. If you like this, you would love "Open Letter to Mom pt 2". That one is even more emotional.
Hello, Legacy! This'll be a quick review.
As far as an introduction goes, I'm not really sure how this works. The reader is already aware that it's an open letter addressed to the narrator's mother because of the title, so it feels a bit repetitious for that to be in the opening line. It also doesn't match with the rhyming scheme that it put into motion by the latter part of the poem.
That second sentence definitely seemed like something that a child would say before presenting something to their mother, so it kinda worked in the context of the poem. Although, upon reading further, I realize it was probably intended as sarcastic given the speaker's relation to their mother. I'm not quite sure if it was intended to be read in a chipper tone before the poem moved to focus on the darker aspect, but I thought that would be good to raise up.
I understand where this line is coming from, but it also flows awkwardly and doesn't really rhyme. Homophones are a really useful tool to use in poetry, but I think it would require a bit more wordplay throughout this poem to make that work. Rewriting that line would probably be for the best, although establishing a set beat and introducing more plays on words is definitely not discourage.
The format of this poem could definitely be reworked, given the fact that every single line stands by itself and is separated from everything else with a hyphen. Some lines were condescended into stanzas, it could help ease more imagery and create specific scenes for the reader to latch onto. A lot of these lines feel very generalized, but I believe that this can end up being stronger if more specific descriptions are crafted around the emotional abuse that the narrator suffered through. Being specific is often times better than just generalizing!
Whoops, haha. I was going to focus on the first half of that sentence, but I ended up accidentally covering that in my previous paragraph. Anyway, don't be afraid of going into detail! That's what allows the reader to connect to the situation.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me! I would love to help. Keep on writing!
-Castor
Thanks.
I wrote a part 2 if you want to read it. It is a lot more personal and more real life actions of what happened.
Hey there, just leaving a few thoughts on your poem. This was quite an emotional piece to read.
I think the rhyme scheme you used with mid line rhymes and end rhymes was interesting, but I think it'd almost just be more effective to chop the lines in half and end each half on a rhyming word to bring the reader's attention to them a bit more. I couldn't catch in line 1 if there was a rhyme but you might want to add one there, a few other rhymes seemed like a bit of a stretch as well (like "alone" and "mom").
As far as suggestions, you have the emotion and blunt language done really nicely here, the emotion just leaps off the page. I think this is also a piece that doesn't necessarily need a lot of figurative language because of the topic/form that it's presented in.
I would maybe say that it's lacking any scenes, I mean most of the comments are about general statements about the mom and daughter's relationships rather than references to specific instances. The line about holding the knife (one of my favorite lines) starts to move towards action and scene, and I think it'd be good to have a few more moments like this in the piece.
I thought it was odd that the end signature said "your pathetic daughter" - it just seems like the speaker has a lot of strength and believes themselves not to be pathetic, I wonder if it was intended to be sarcastic? Maybe putting "pathetic" in quotes would clear that up.
The line about being "emotionally raised" by herself was also a poignant moment in the piece.
Overall, it was a nice piece and I look forward to reading more of your work!
~alliyah
Thank you.
I wrote a part 2 if you want to read it. It's a lot more personal and more real life actions of what happened.