Young Writers Society

I really liked this, and it's unlike any blackout poem I've read before, I'd love to hear your writing process for this.

I think some of the lines could have been cut in half to keep it more consistent, but there was a really chill, creeping horror sensation I got from this poem.

I think the image of something lurking beyond the beach is really intriguing. I'm not sure you were able to turn the poem towards significance because in the end nothing really happened or was realized by our narrator, but you did build up the suspense by the way you broke up the poem, especially in those last two lines.

My favorite lines were "My legs feel like glass" (that's just fascinating, and I think is great phrasing!)

and then "I felt something that I regret feeling" (that's really really ominous! like do they feel guilty, like it was lust or something? or are they just wishing they hadn't thought about something because they can't forget it? There's a lot of mystery there!)

I think my main suggestion with this poem is you give us so much mystery, you need to sprinkle a little bit more in terms of clues and concrete meaning in here too, so we can string together some of the mystery a bit.

Also don't be afraid to draw out your imagery and linger on an image for a bit too, you've got some great content, but everything's moved on from very quickly.

This is a well-sorted and interesting piece, happy to have read it!

~alliyah

Ayoooo! Aleta here for another review - again. As expected I won't really be critiquing much just focusing on what you're bringing to the plate.

1st line: "The sand was cold and coarse"
I can imagine the smushiness of it as it sinks beneath the speaker's toes and sticks to the bottom of her feet. Maybe you could add something like this or incorporate it into the poem though. However its still descriptive and good.

2nd line: "A wet breeze rolling off the ocean and across the empty seashore."
In the first line you are talking in past tense and using the word rolling in here is now present tense, so I think maybe you should just stick to present tense here and change the first line's was into an is.

3rd line: "I run to meet the expanding ripples."
Nothing wrong with this line. Reminds me how I did this when I was a kid, and I think its cool a poem because it brought back memories like this.

4th line: "The sand mushed between my toes and a spray of mist coated my face."
You're definetly bringing the reader into the speaker's experience which is great. I like this line.

5th line: "A rolling wave splashed across my face."
The repetitiveness of 'face' kind of made it too redundant. I would suggest saying something like, "A rolling wave dashed my cheeks" or something of that sort.

Cheers!

Hey, I'm going to review this.

I'm particularly fond of short works, I myself cannot stand long and tedious things to read. Perhaps this is why I like this poem so much. It's the perfect length to be concise yet to get to the point.

Overall, put aside the length, I give this poem a 7/10. Why not 10/10, you may ask? Well, there are things in this poem that aren't worthy of 10/10. 10 out of 10 for me is when you have integrated your own creativity into a poem and pull it off. When you can abide by all the poetic etiquettes yet make your poem different. You haven't done this. What you have done, is tried too hard to include adjectives, forced similes and metaphors that just make it plain.

"A chilling sensation rushing up my body". Yes this is descriptive but for me, your descriptions are a bit bland. Instead add your own twist to this.

I do love your story line and it's left me wanting more and more!! But make it stronger, instead of telling me what happens,SHOW me what happens!

To answer your question, personally no I don't think your emotion is there... emotion comes from metaphors, imagery and cynicism within the poem. This is where you can improve.

Any questions, PM me.

I can't wait to read more of your work ! - Tiana

A good. One but you poem but you should give a catchy title to your poem