You look at me as if I was the sun
Squinting at me in anger,
yet always wanting me to shine.
Wanting me to be bright and perfect,
then claiming to the world that it's because of you.
-
I shine for myself,
and you were lying.
You wanted a dull brightness,
like a flicker of a burning candle.
You raised me, and you should know
I only have the extremes just like you.
I am either a dark thunderstorm
or a brilliant summer day.
-
You said I was never enough,
and always too much at the same time.
I don't understand it,
do you want the warm summer,
or the bitter winter.
-
I'm done bringing light to your world,
mom, I hope you aren't afraid of the dark.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi there Thisislegacy I have come to do a nother review on you poem, You look at me as if I was the sun there in dark neas hear arnt the, yet always wanting me to shine. there is somthing thing over in this bit were I feel like it is not night at all, I shine for myself, this is like it is day as well it sounds like you are doing a poem of the day but your not, like a flicker of a burning candle. this bit is a bit better but you still knead to let more of the darkness flo in to it, I am either a dark thunderstorm now were talking but you should have stayed that way but you went on to say, or a brilliant summer day. wich is not even clos to darkness at all, mom, I hope you aren't afraid of the dark. this bit I just find a bit creepy, so that is all I can say about it ceep up with the good work.
from MoonFlower
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true
by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem concerning someone who feels mistreated and is keeping the distance. I like the contrast of a squinting as if the presence of the other were uncomfortably blinding with the desiring that the light return in order to dispel darkness.
The speaker leaves and assumes that he has brought darkness into the other’s life. Claims that he doesn’t understand the reason for the mistreatment since the other person wants doesn’t want him to leave.
Is it paradoxical that the speaker describes himself and the other as not understanding the reason for the negative situation? Not really. Why? Well, because sometimes people fail to acknowledge that they are provoking negative reactions provocative behavior.
For example, I knew a fellow who always couldn't understand why his wife behaved negatively since he saw himself as an ideal husband. The truth was that he was a blatant flirt in her presence despite knowing that it caused her distress. Neither is assuming that the other person also doesn’t really understand the situation any big mystery. Why? Well, because assuming that the other person also feels confused is just an extension of that self-righteousness that refuses to admit anything is wrong,.
In short, although the speaker in the describes himself or herself as the victim, I personally don’t automatically buy that. In order to determine what’s really going on more details need to be provided. Too many questions remain unanswered. Why is the speaker being hidden away in shame? If he other proclaims love, why does the other feel forced to do that? Why doesn’t the speaker tell us what her explanation is? So as it stands all I as a reader can conclude is that the speaker feels that way and nothing more.
In any case, the relationship is over since the speaker proclaims that it is. So the poem seems to be a statement of victory or satisfaction that finally the relationship is through.
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hello! I'll be reviewing your poem today!
I like the idea of this analogy of the sun, but I feel like this stanza could be executed a little better. The meaning of the last line here really didn't seem to correlate that much to the rest of the stanza. Is it something about the sun being essential to our everyday lives, which is why he/she "always wants me to come back"? If so, I think there should be a little more clarification here.
Why doesn't 'you' understand? Aren't they the ones hiding the speaker away in shame? Perhaps you could elaborate so the reader could really relate and understand the speaker's thoughts.
Throughout the poem, I keep reverting back to the sun metaphor -- I like how it tied back into the last stanza, but that theme was missing from the second stanza. The second stanza was probably the least climactic and I think something could be added in there that has to do with your whole 'sun' idea.
I think throughout this stanza, there should be a wider range of vocabulary. You used the word 'dark' several times, describing the same thing. I suggest you branch out and find new words that have stronger meaning and won't be as repetitive in the poem. Something like 'gloomy', 'blackness', or 'shadow' -- something of that sort would suffice. Otherwise the ending line is very anticlimactic, because it uses the same word as the first line; 'so I hope you aren't afraid of the dark' isn't as strong and powerful.
Although I see what you're meaning, 'I've made it so dark for you lately' has an awkward wording. You wouldn't typically tell someone you've made it 'dark for them'. I think you should delve into this meaning and idea a little further, because I'm confused and curious as to what it means.
I wish I got more of a chance to look into your voice. Discovering your voice is very important in poetry. I think that this poem especially could use a stronger, better built voice. I'm capturing some of this poem, but I didn't really get into it much. This would be the one thing I would recommend you work on in the future!
I really like where you are getting at! This is a unique idea! The imagery at the beginning has lots of potential and I've never seen something like that before. Your idea was definitely original. I hope this review helped, please let me know if you have any questions!
Ohmygoshilovethis
Alright, now that that's out of the way, on to reviewing! First i'd like to address the use of the sun in this poem. Generally speaking, it is relatively common for people to poetically refer to their s/o as the sun, "they light up my world." But, when i think of the sun, i think of a giant orb that burns my eyes and my skin, I think of the heat that dries out my throat, I think of unpleasant things. But here, you use the sun in a totally different way, and I love it.
There is a sort of sadness, anger, and finality to your poem. A person who has been hurt, but who won't be burning anymore because they're gone. i love it.
Overall, this is awesome and i cant find enough words to describe it.
This is awesome, have a great day and keep on writing!
Thank you. I hate it when people describe their s/o as the sun too for that same reason. I might add more to it later.