I'm a child that grew up too fast.
I was thrown into the deep end of the pool,
without even being taught how to swim.
-
I taught myself how to swim,
although it's just a doggy paddle
that is barely keeping me afloat.
-
I'm struggling, splashing,
trying to stay sane.
Why did you leave me?
-
I know this happened to you too
but I was innocent...
What made me deserve this?
-
You abandoned me
when I needed you most.
Why wasn't I enough?
-
I watched you teach the others.
Why didn't you teach me how to swim?
You watched me as I choked on the water.
-
It's okay though, because you helped me once.
All your wrongs are washed away
because you helped me once.
-
You say I am ungrateful
because you gave me floaties
before you threw me on my own.
-
Those floaties weren't enough;
I struggled and you laughed as you watched.
You couldn't see the tears I added to the pool
-
You made me start to give up;
I started to slip underneath.
I wanted to slip underneath...
-
My friends made me stay afloat
I didn't want to;
I just wanted to choke on your lies
-
I don't need you to swim;
I don't need anyone to swim
on my own.
-
You left me alone
and then was shocked
when I swam away from you.
-
Now that I swam away,
you want me to swim with you
in the shallow end like the others.
-
I don't want to,
and I won't.
Have fun when they swim away too.
-
A/N I did some editing. Tell me if it still needs some more. I hope you guys like it. You guys can guess who this is about or what inspired me to write this; if you do, then you get to pick my next poem topic. Good luck. Legacy.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Wow. this is amazing. wow. all I can say is wow. this is beautiful :O keep writing!
Aw thank you. If you like this, you might like my other ones
//please keep in mind that this is my first review, and am still getting the hang of this.
Hi, Lizzie here for a review.
I really enjoyed reading this poem and would love to read more from you. I think that the metaphor of being thrown into the deep end without having been taught to swim is great, and one that I can connect to. The repetition of the word "swim" made the poem a bit choppy for me to read, as did the dashes between each stanza. Also, I couldn't immediately recognize that the stanza:
"It's okay though, because you helped me once.
All your wrongs are washed away
because you used to help me. "
was sarcastic, which had me confused for a minute. This is more of a problem with my ability to process sarcasm than it is your writing but because of it, I like Panda11's suggestion of repeating "because you helped me once" in the last line. I think the repetition would make it more clear for me.
Overall though, I think that this is an excellent poem, and I especially enjoyed the ending, which I think was a perfect way to tie everything together.
Thank you for the review.
Hello, Everlasting Flame is here for a review.
Overall thoughts:
Wow, this was a great poem. I really enjoyed reading it. Like the person preceding me, I don't have much to add.
What I liked:
-That this poem is basically one big metaphor. You executed that so well so kudos to you.
What you could improve (remember that these are just suggestions, you don't need to do anything that I will write down below):
-There's a repetition of the word "swim". Perhaps it's intentional, but it's really noticeable and made the poem a little less enjoyable for me. Maybe you could replace a couple of them with a metaphor or some sort of imagery that means the same thing.
-It lacked emotion. Mostly, poems and supposed to make you feel things. And while I did enjoy your poem, I didn't feel much at all. Various times, you write about what that other person did to you, but it'd be nice to know how that made you feel.
That's all I have to say. Good job with this and don't ever stop writing!
Okay thank you.
Hey there, its Ayma here for a review.
First of all I wanted to say that this is an awesome and very well written piece, so I don't really have much to add. And secondly,I am on mobile, so I apologize for any typos.
"It's okay though, because you helped me once.
All your wrongs are washed away
because you used to help me. "
I feel like here it might have bern tasteful to do a little repeat, like
'It's okay though, because you helped me once.
All your wrongs are washed away
because you helped me once'
"I don't want to,
and I won't.
-
Have fun when they swim away too. "
I dont see the need to separate these. I feel like in some ways it kind of makes them both feel a little short and cut off.
I see where you are coming from. I just put the pause at the end because I wanted that one line to have more emphasis.
Ahhh, I see.