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Opps, I Added too much Pepper

by Horisun


Tears roll down my cheeks,

things I've hidden for weeks,

I burn, and hurt,

and my tongue's dry as a bone.

I only want one thing,

I need you to bring...

MILK!

Man, that soup was spicy.


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43 Reviews


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Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:11 pm
rida says...



Hi! This was a hilarious poem, when I started reading it, I thought it would be emotional and a disaster had happened. But I don’t understand why this line was in the poem:
“things I've hidden for weeks,”
Otherwise this poem was really nice




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Tue May 28, 2019 4:00 am
LadyBug wrote a review...



Wesh! I'm back to review another poem. So, here we are.

"Tears roll down my cheeks,

things I've hidden for weeks,"

Ok, so the first two lines made me think this was going to be really emotional. Nope. But still good! Maybe add a period at the end instead of another comma.

I burn, and hurt,

and my tongue's dry as a bone.

I only want one thing,

I need you to bring...

For some reason this made me laugh. So far the flow is great and I like how this made me happy.

MILK!

Man, that soup was spicy.

XD PLOT TWIST! Seriously, this was a great poem and I love your style. Keep up the great work and I may be back soon. Who knows.

-Hope this helped....

Professor JadeLotus :) :) :)




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Thu Jan 31, 2019 1:33 am
Smuggg wrote a review...



This was cute and clever.
I definitely think that you need to work a tad bit on your imagery. You have a solid base for a good, funny poem but you need to be more descriptive and explain things a little bit more.

For example, when saying you "burn and hurt" go into that more.

I burn, and i hurt like what? I burn and hurt like someone who has had their heart shredded by a heartless being. I mean that was awful but I hope youre getting my point.

Poetry is all about description and how you portray your meaning and the words that you use.

Simple is good, and I am not saying that everything has to be extravagant, but sometimes you have to add some, sparkle, i guess you cold say, to really make your poem stand out.

Keep writing and posting :)




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Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:41 pm
salmintea wrote a review...



Dear Horisun,

It took me a minute to understand the poem, but I kind of had to laugh a little at the last few lines. The title definitely drew me in, since it is in fact poetry, and I was wondering what the pepper thing was about.

I have to comment on the title "Opps, I Added too much Pepper."
1. You did say Opps, in which I'm not sure if you meant to say oops, and I'm wondering about the capital scheme, and if that was also something that was done on purpose, or if it has meaning.

I like to look at this poem as if it has an underlying theme. As if this character is actually heart broken or suffering from depression, but is using this whole soup thing as a quick cover up. I figure that if it was just a poem about spicy soup, the line "things I've hidden for weeks" would be insignificant, or perhaps an accident. Am I on the right track?

I'd love to hear more about your thoughts and inspirations behind this poem!

-B




Horisun says...


This poem doesn't have any meaning to me. the phrase "Things I've hidden for weeks" was something I overlooked when revising. Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jan 27, 2019 10:39 pm
Gnomish says...



I liked how you made it seem like a disaster had happened to you in the beginning, before you revealed it was just spicy soup. Anyways, excellent poem!
-Gnomish




Horisun says...


Thanks!



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Sun Jan 27, 2019 4:29 am
lliyah wrote a review...



Horison,
you've got the same humor technique here as the last poem I reviewed - executed a little more effectively I think because the reader is forced to read the entire poem a second time after being corrected to view the poem in a new like, rather than toss the poem out the window. :D

I think it's a "quick humor" technique to put the "turn" in the last line of the poem, but I maintain that lasting humor takes several turns and leaves lingering narrative doubt rather than an obvious "oh it's pepper vs oh it's emotion" --> narrative doubt would be "maybe it's pepper, maybe it's both, maybe it's emotion" that sort of humor leaves a little more for the reader to chew on after the poem is done.

That being said, if you are going for the "hide all meaning in the last line" technique - then don't give away the joke in the title! :D That would be my main critique - the title should definitely not give away the joke, as that's the first thing people read. Maybe you could name it "A Pain so Great" or "A Pain I Cannot Bear" or some misnomer that works with both scenarios but implies that the pain is not because of food seasoning.

You also sort of gave away the joke with the "my tongue's dry as a bone" -- I wonder if you could have lingered on the "maybe this is emotional pain" a bit longer, to make the contrast more severe...

Hope to see more, everyone likes a good humor poem! Let me know if you have any comments or questions, I'm by no means an expert at humorous poetry but there is certainly an art to it!

~alliyah

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Sat Jan 26, 2019 10:35 pm
MaybeInk says...



T-T this




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Sat Jan 26, 2019 5:24 pm
Lib says...



Haha! I love how it started off and the way it ended was fab!




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Fri Jan 25, 2019 10:28 pm



I'm not good with poems when it comes to technicalities but I really like this one. The title made me expect it but the first three lines threw me for a loop!

"Tears roll down my cheeks,

things I've hidden for weeks,

I burn, and hurt,"

It starts out kind of depressing and serious but when you find the reason in the last line it made me laugh.

"and my tongue's dry as a bone."

Your simile is also something new to me, I really like it! I hope to read more of these in the future because they are truly a change of pace compared to what I've been reading.




Horisun says...


Thank you!



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Fri Jan 25, 2019 10:28 pm
ImmortalYangDaoist wrote a review...



I'm not good with poems when it comes to technicalities but I really like this one. The title made me expect it but the first three lines threw me for a loop!

"Tears roll down my cheeks,

things I've hidden for weeks,

I burn, and hurt,"

It starts out kind of depressing and serious but when you find the reason in the last line it made me laugh.

"and my tongue's dry as a bone."

Your simile is also something new to me, I really like it! I hope to read more of these in the future because they are truly a change of pace compared to what I've been reading.




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Fri Jan 25, 2019 8:55 pm
Zoom says...



I love this

The first two lines are so beautiful. Would be great song lyrics.

I’m going to interpret this as someone who actually is really upset but they’re brushing it off as a joke. Idk why, I guess it’s because the first part is so sad.




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Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:22 pm
RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hi @Horisun , Rav3nB1ack here!

This definitely was a different type of poetry that I'm accustomed too and that's a good thing! Studying English Lit and reading very serious poems about romance and tragedy can be boring at times. So this was very refreshing for me!

Tears roll down my cheeks,

things I've hidden for weeks


What I really enjoyed about your poem is how well you disguised the reveal behind a somber tone. Because I was really shocked by your first two lines when I saw that the tag was humour. It took me off guard xD

But after finishing your poem and reading these two lines again, I don't think this makes sense now that I know that this was all about how spicy the soup was. If the character was crying for weeks because of the soup, I don't think that's realistic. I know that this was done to distract the reader from the reveal but in the context of the narrative I don't think it works.

Man, that soup was spicy.

This was a great way to end the poem! It was funny, unexpected (maybe because I'm stupid or too exhausted from analysing text all my life xD) and sounded like something I'd say after cooling my tongue off with cold milk!

Overall, this was a fun, light read and I really enjoyed it!

Keep Writing!




Horisun says...


Thank you!




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon