Young Writers Society

Hi Horisun,
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I love how the poem is short but yet has a full, developed, impactful message. I think it's really great because it also gets the reader to think a little more about possibly saying things that they regret especially in the moments when you directly address the reader by saying "you". I like how you rhymed the ending words because it gave the poem a good rhythm and feel to it. That being said, the words "words" and "swords" although they look like they rhyme, they don't. This is a problem because it disrupts the flow that you so carefully crafted in this poem. My suggestion is just changing one of the words so that it does flow better, but that's completely up to you. All in all, I think that you did a wonderful job with this poem and I can't wait to read your future works. Good luck!

Hullo Horisun:

The first facet of this poem that strikes me is the rhyming. It smacks of a song bridge or refrain, and I can imagine it in a regretful pop ditty.

In a full poem, I'd be curious to see if you could develop the simplicity or fill it out with some figurative language, things that hit a reader in the sensory bit of the brain.

For example:

"I've said things I regret.

You have too, I bet."

The cleanness of this could be contrasted and developed by a follow up. What does a regretful statement feel or look like? "The sounds make me think of spit / and taste like ..." ? Maybe something like that? Play with it!

On the other hand, leaving it as brief and prosaic as this leaves it needing more story or it falls into a one dimensioned, tropey anthem.

Three or four stanzas with the words said, or the story around them?

Image what wounds they caused?

How do bitter words end for the ones who spoke them? Do they literally kill? Could it end with a twist of humor? GK Chesterton is good at turning his lyric poetry on its head. "The Ballad of a Suicide" might be a fun one for you to read while working on this.

Either way, I enjoyed reading. You have an ear for the quick rhyme. I'd love to see you tune it to some images that deepen the rhymes.

Cheers,

IMP

Oooh I really like how simple this is but gives great meaning and sassiness. i think it’s a perfect little poem that represents regret and karma really well. The end is very smart I like the way there’s a shift change from regret to karma, the tense felling lifted off your shoulders when you realize all the things the other person has said will be repaid through karma. I like it a lot.

Hi!

I love how simple, well written, and relatable this is! The things you regret never get old in the memory, like, I regret things I said and done when I was seven as if they were today, lol.

I also love the rhyming. It's not blocky or stilted at all, the words carrying the same sound but look different so they don't distract from the clearly understandable meaning.

Another thing I have to point out is day n' night. This is only a slight change from day AND night, but flows beautifully compared. I can really see how you considered the word flow!

This is a masterfully executed piece of art and I have nothing negative to say. The only things I have to say is what I love about it and I could go on longer Great job!


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