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Daydream

by Horisun


What rhymes with pudding? Jessica wondered. She stared at her paper blankly. 

"Jessica, can you please answer the question?" The harsh voice of Ms. Teacher penetrated her thoughts.

"Err- I didn't hear the question, could you say that again?" She asked sheepishly. Ms. Teacher rolled her eyes.

"Jessica, stop writing poetry, and focus." She said poetry like there was something sour in her mouth.

"Yes, Ms. Teacher." Jessica said in a dull tone. Ms. Teacher continued on with the lesson, but the numbers flew by, and they slowly faded to words, describing hills and mountains. Thoughts swirled in her head, that longed to be poured onto paper. 

Leaves greener then green,

Flowers that long to be seen,

Waters that lie untouched,

And the vast, open sky.

Where all the birds fly.

Mountains framed against the horizon.

This is what Jessica writes.

Oh, the beautiful sights, 

Oh, the slight breeze,

She knows she'll never freeze.

There's just one thing that interrupts the image-

"Jessica, did you hear me?" Ms. Teacher asks.

"Oh, uh...Yes Ms. Teacher." Jessica said. Ms.Teacher glared at her.

"Good, 'cause its time for a pop quiz." The class groans in dismay. "I will hand out your papers, you may begin as soon as you receive them."

Jessica was the first to receive hers. She stared at it helplessly. She didn't know this!

In front of her was a monster,

a monster that had to be slain.

For it had caused much pain.

All she wielded was a pencil.

She didn't even have an eraser.

It was her against that math paper,

and the odds weren't in her favor.

But, as her Father always says,

'No matter how hard it may look,

No matter what it says in the book,

As long as you always try,

you might just find you can fly.'

With hope gleaming in her eye,

She cried her famous battle cry.

And with a powerful blow,

She finally saw hope for a A.

She knew that she had won the day!

"Time is up!" The teacher said. Jessica was confident when she turned her paper in. She knew she did it. The teacher frowned at her doubtfully.

"What's there to be so happy about, Jessica?" She asked. Jessica shrugged.

"Class is almost over." To prove her point, the bell rang at that moment. "See you later, Ms. Teacher!"

And of course, when the results were in,

On her paper was a C,

not bad.

Sure she didn't win, not completely.

But what was important was she tried.

Try at school,

Try at work.

If you do something, do your best.

And you'll prove your up to the test!


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Points: 186
Reviews: 2

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Thu Jan 03, 2019 1:32 am
pangolin wrote a review...



I’ve never seen poetry and a story blended like this, so this story was very interesting to read. I love the idea of taking a seemingly mundane event — like not paying attention in class — and turning it into something poetic and meaningful. I especially liked the first line because it draws the reader in while also capturing the randomness of Jessica’s daydreaming.

I do have one suggestion for describing dialogue, but it’s only really a nitpick. When you write that Jessica said something “in a dull tone” or that the teacher had a harsh voice, that’s moreso telling than showing. I don’t know what a harsh voice sounds like, so I felt like the teacher’s voice actually had to be described instead of just being told. Is her voice loud? High pitched? You describe this very well in other parts of the story (like, “She said poetry like there was something sour in her mouth”), so I feel like it’s just a matter of doing it more often. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that was just a nitpick, and I really enjoyed reading the story. It was very creative and relatable. Keep writing!




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!



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21 Reviews


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Wed Jan 02, 2019 7:14 pm
Spilledink wrote a review...



This is a very interesting concept of mixing a short story narrative, with the character's thoughts as poetry. I really like it!

The only thing I'd suggest is to just add to the story some more! Show more of the character's feelings and actions! I really love your new concept and your poetry is so good!

Anyways, keep up this work! I enjoy it, and hope to see more in the future!

:) Hope this was a bit helpful!!

-ink




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 9:47 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello! I'm writing this on my phone so I apologize for any typos I may miss or anything!

This is a really interesting way of... telling a story! I don't think I've ever seen prose and poetry mixed in this type of way, and I really liked It! It was super whimsical, like we were getting caught up in the poetry with Jessica as she drifted from concentration!

One thing I wish though, was that there was a bit more meat to this story! I mean it's a really nice short, but there's not a ton that happens- like, I would be really interested to this type of idea with a more complex story! Horror comes to mind for some reason, but it could be anything! In any case though, I feel like this story could have a bit more to It? I don't know what. Or maybe this is just a suggestion to test out this sorta style with some other stories as well! Cause I really like it! XP

The other thing I thought was a little strange but sorta neat too, is that there's no name for the teacher, just Ms. Teacher. Maybe that's a sort of cultural thing to do or something? It sorta came off to me at first though that you couldn't think of a name so just put Teacher as a place holder. But at the same time, not giving the teacher a name almost added to the simplistic quality of the piece. Or maybe, just maybe her last name is ACTUALLY Teacher. O.O

Another thing I noticed was that the rhyme scheme switched at the end. I feel like it would make more sense for it to be the same scheme throughout, as it kinda gives the impression that the poet is just having trouble making the old scheme work? If that makes sense.

In any case, I really enjoyed this! Keep it up! And let me know if you write anything else in this sorta style!

-Holysocks




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 3:19 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review.

I really liked the name to this story, it drew me in right away. I think your name fits the story very well. But if you want to have a suggestion for a name, then how about Poetic Daydreams? It was just an idea, but I really like the name you have now. It kind of keeps you thinking when you see it. So great job.

I really like the little plot you have for this story, i thought it was very interesting. It kind of tells you the keep your hopes up when something goes wrong...well that's how I see it.

The over thing I really like is that you added some poems into your work, it made it very unique. It just made me enjoy the story even more.

I see you don't have any description, now I think you could have a little here and there, but that is your decisions. Even if you don't add any in it wont affect your story. I do want to show you what I mean.

"Jessica, did you hear me?" Ms. Teacher asks looking over her glasses.

I know this isn't that good, but I just wanted to show you what I mean.

The next thing that I really do want to point out is that you keep calling the teacher Ms. Teacher. I know this doesn't sound to bad but when you read it over and over again it does get a bit annoying. Maybe give her a name like Ms. Emma, or something like that. it will make your story sound a lot better.

So that's it from me for now, I hope this helped. And sorry if this came across as a bit harsh. Anyway I hope you have a great day/night, and never stop writing.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review, and no, it wasn't to harsh. It helped a lot!





Glad I could help! If you want me to review any of your other works just let me know.



Horisun says...


Thank you!




cron
If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman