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My Perfect Pet

by Horisun


My Perfect Pet Is Chocolate Brown.

He does not cry,

He does not frown.

When I take him to the park,

He does not howl,

He does not bark.

Well my Perfect pet does not chew,

He still sometimes ruins carpets,

Or my shoe.

My perfect pet never makes me ache,

because my perfect pet,

Is a Chocolate Cake.


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126 Reviews


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Reviews: 126

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Tue May 28, 2019 3:29 pm
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here for a review. I remember your lighthearted style and let me say.... this is relatable (for me, a very sweet-toothed person, at least)! Let's begin.

My Perfect Pet Is Chocolate Brown.

He does not cry,

He does not frown.

I love how you're misleading us. The flow is good and I'm thinking of dogs.

When I take him to the park,

He does not howl,

He does not bark.

You're keeping the same flow scheme. I don't see anything to point out here.


Well my Perfect pet does not chew,

He still sometimes ruins carpets,

Or my shoe.

You need to go through and check your punctuation. The flow goes off and the syllables are wacky. Why do I feel like this is a riddle??

My perfect pet never makes me ache,

because my perfect pet,

Is a Chocolate Cake.

Then you bring it back for the end! Good job.

I give this a 6 out of ten. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more of your work soon.

I hope this helped.

-Professor JadeLotus-




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273 Reviews


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Mon May 06, 2019 1:25 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @Horisun I am here to do a quick review on your poem here, So really I thought this was amazing to read you did a grate job describing things from the moment the poem started to the second it ended, it was a joy to read, this from start to finish,

My Perfect Pet Is Chocolate Brown.

This really was a grate line to start the poem of, I like this line because I get the image of this pet that is chocolate brown.

Is a Chocolate Cake.

I loved this line when I read it, it made my tummy rumble because partly it sounds yum and i have not eaten, so this does sound really delishus right now, this filed my head with grate thoughts of cake I must say. I was saprised to here this was a chocolate cake at the end of this poem I was wondering what it was, but now I no, its something yummy Lol.

So this is all that i can say about this lovely and grate poem here, So Keep up the grate work I look forward to reading more poems of yours.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




Horisun says...


Thank you!



Dossereana says...


Welcomed :D



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102 Reviews


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Sun May 05, 2019 11:36 pm
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michaeld wrote a review...



Hey Horisun! Michaeld here for a quick review. Overall, I thought this was a cute and short poem with a nice twist at the end. It does need a bit of editing, though, so onto the critique!

The capitalization is a bit random, and there are some punctuation errors, which takes the reader out of the poem a bit. Here's what I would recommend fixing:

"My perfect pet is chocolate brown."

"Well, my perfect pet does not chew,"

"My perfect pet never makes me ache"

"because my perfect pet"

"is chocolate cake." (Personally, I would take out the article "a" before "chocolate cake.")

Some little tips: when ending a line, you don't necessarily need to add a comma before continuing to the next one. Think of it as a sentence you have broken up; if it wouldn't use a comma in the "whole" sentence, you don't need to add one at the end of the line. On a similar note, not every line needs to begin with a capital letter. I would recommend only capitalizing if it is the beginning of a sentence or a proper noun (you did this well with the line: My perfect pet never makes me ache / because my perfect pet).

As far as content goes, I agree with FabihaNeera in that chocolate cake being a pet is a bit strange, but I think it adds to the overall lighthearted mood of the poem. Again, it was a fun read and with just a bit of tweaking, it could be even better.

Keep on writing,
Michaeld




Horisun says...


Thanks!



michaeld says...


Of course!



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Sun May 05, 2019 8:13 pm
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FabihaNeera says...



Hello!

This is kind of a different poem... the idea is fun and quirky... I love it! It's kind of weird to call a cake a "pet", but still a nice twist all the same!

P.S. I love chocolate cake too! Wouldn't it be great to have that as a pet... then I'll be having some everyday!

Keep Writing. :)




Horisun says...


:D Thank you!




It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl