Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Lost in my Desk

by Horisun


I'm lost at sea
Of Essays, and Math.

It's my fault, really.
I chose to play and laugh.

And now that ship has flown away,
It has left me all alone.

Tired and astray,
Nothing but a broken bone.

And the higher the Mountain Grows,
The farther I fall.

I don't have the endurance, it shows.
No one can hear my call.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1012
Reviews: 19

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 7:40 pm
omer says...



Hey there!
I really like this, and I'm usually not very interested in poetry.
I just want to say grades are not everything. School is hard. Not always because of the difficult materials, but because of people's expectations.
We don't get to choose. They make us to things we don't want to do. And that's really rough.
I had so many breakdowns because of that. You could have fill a pool with the tears I cried over the imprisonised feeling I had had.
So obviously, you're not alone in this. Something in the education system is broken, almost everywhere.
What I do when I have lots of homework and I'm very frustrated about school, is seeing my goal. My target, my mission of life, my destination, my purpose! I look it straight in the eyes and promise myself I'm on my way for achiving it. That way, the homework counts as a part of my way for my aim, which suddenly makes them have meaning!

Even if you don't know what's your dream, think about being happy, or even think of how you're going to feel once you're done with it. Amazing!

You're very talented and I hope I helped a little. I also hope that writing yout sadness down helps you get up.
Omer. :)




Horisun says...


Thank you, this does help a lot



User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 1513
Reviews: 27

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:40 am
StudentAH wrote a review...



I like how the poem is simple and it almost sounds happy or playful "I chose to play and laugh" but it takes a darker turn as you go on.

My only gripe is that the rhythm doesn't seem to match up. For each stanza, the last lines all match in rhythm, but for some of the stanzas, the first line is longer and others is shorter. I feel like some consistency in the length of the lines would help with rhythm. Sometimes my brain can't figure out how its supposed to be read.

For starters, the rhythm on the first two stanzas matches really well in my opinion:

I'm lost at sea
Of Essays, and Math.

It's my fault, really.
I chose to play and laugh.


But the next two stanzas kind of don't match each other:


And now that ship has flown away,
It has left me all alone.

Tired and astray,
Nothing but a broken bone.


So it might be better said as:


Now the ship has flown away.
It left me all alone.


Likewise, the last two stanzas have longer lines, and I think its better that way. They're conveying more information so the longer lines are good. But "The farther I fall" doesn't match with "No one can hear my call."

I might change it to:

And the higher the Mountain Grows,
The further down I fall.

I don't have the endurance,
it shows.
No one can hear my call.


Though I did kind of break up the last stanza into three lines, I feel like that small fragment deserves its own line.




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review! You are right, I did struggle with matching up a lot of the lines to each other



User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 1513
Reviews: 27

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:39 am
StudentAH says...



Wow, this is... really sad. :( I'm sorry to hear, it is a very difficult time.




Horisun says...


Thanks? I mean, I guess if you're feeling sad, then I did my job as a writer. Unless you mean that this is a poor excuse for a poem? XD



StudentAH says...


Oh no no, I meant that it is a very sad story and I'm sorry for you :(

When I posted my review, I wrote a whole comment and then the review was posted in comment form! So what I had to do was edit the comment and remove the review, and then paste the review in a new comment, because YWS didn't count my comment as a review!

So the first part of my review was "Wow... this is very sad. I like how blah blah blah" etc. so it didn't seem like a nasty comment. I'm so sorry if it came off that way! I went back and edited it so you could understand my true sentiment. I actually like your poem a lot.



Horisun says...


Don't worry, lol. I was just joking



Horisun says...


Don't worry, lol. I was just joking



User avatar
82 Reviews


Points: 6004
Reviews: 82

Donate
Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:10 pm
IconspicuoslyAlpacaing wrote a review...



Hiya Horisun!

I like this poem. It's a good metaphor for feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities and, more often than not, busywork. But there are a few issues, namely the meter and flow of the poem. The way the poem is formatted makes it flow extremely awkwardly, especially because you have words that are meant to rhyme in entirely different stanzas. Furthermore, your poem doesn't seem to be implementing any sort of meter. Meter, while not necessary for all poetry, is typically vital when dealing with a rhyme scheme. I didn't even notice the rhymes the first time I read through it because the flow is so, in laymen's terms, 'out of wack.' Here are a few lesser issues I noticed:

I'm lost at sea
Of Essays, and Math.
This should be "I'm lost in a sea/Of essays and math" OR "I'm lost in the Sea/Of essays and math." The line originally doesn't make a lot of sense. There also shouldn't be a comma after 'Essays.'

And now that ship has flown away,
It has left me all alone.
This line would be a lot more impactful if you had mentioned the ship earlier. The first two stanzas paint a picture of an empty sea, as you don't mention anything else. Had you added a description of the ship beforehand, it would've added more oomph to its departure. Also, why is it flying?

And the higher the Mountain Grows,
The farther I fall.
'grows' shouldn't be capitalized. It's not a proper noun in this case. And I'm assuming "The Mountain" is meant to hold more significance, as it's capitalized, but again, it's never mentioned anywhere else in the poem. Mixing your metaphors.

All in all, this was a decent poem with a few kinks to work out. I hope this was a helpful review, and that you keep on keeping on. Auf Wiedersehen!

- The Toe Harvester




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!




This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman