I breathe you in
The air here
It feels so thin
You're on fire
Steaming
So hot it's dire
You taste so fine
Both salty and sweet
Angelic; Divine
Pizza.
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139,689 Literary Works • 672,650 Reviews
AHH! The last line just took the entire poem to a next level of awesomeness!
I love the intensity of the lines, how powerful they are. Like when you say,
Here, your feelings seem so intense, passionate about pizza. As a fellow pizza lover, I can totally and sincerely appreciate the sentiment.
Also, in this stanza:
Once again, the lines seem very powerful and intense.
If you meant it to be this way, I'm sorry (In that case please ignore this), but I don't think dire is the right word in that line. The rhyme sounds nice, but I feel like it doesn't make complete sense. Once again, I apologise if I'm in the wrong about it.
The next stanza is the perfect ode to pizza. I think the line "Angelic; Divine" perfectly describes the wonderful phenomenon of a pizza.
On the whole, this is a hilarious poem. I certainly wasn't expecting that last line, and when I read it, it made me laugh me so loud! If there is a fan club for pizza, this poem should be the motto.
Can't wait to read more of your work! <33
Keep writing!
The rhythm could use some finagling. I like how you nearly make the craving desperate, with thin air and dire heat, but smack us with bathos at the end. And I almost thought this would be a good love poem lol. Imagine psyching someone out like hey girl, how do you like this poem I wrote? And she’ll be like, oh my gosh, a love poem for me? And then it’ll be like, pizza, and she'll probably slap you or something like that. Good luck on not getting slapped bruv
I’m just too saucy, no one can be saucy-er than me...
Hey Horisun! Long time no see! I realize I haven't reviewed any of your works in a while so why not here?
Let's get started, shall we?
Although it is a great start, you don't have enough connection between the first two lines to give the reader a sense of understanding. You have started with the air feeling thin and then ending with "I breathe you in" or something similar. It's a minor nit-pick, but I wanted to point it out. Gaining the reader's attention is something that is very important for any piece of writing.
It's great that you found a perfect rhyme for 'fire', but personally, from experience, finding rhymes isn't the entire point of a poem. I've received lots of reviews lately saying that I should pay more attention to word choice instead of rhymes, and I think this might apply. Although it seems like a small difference, 'dire' literally means "extremely serious or urgent." or "presaging disaster." I'm pretty sure neither of these definitions were what you were going for . . .
This is the example of a perfect stanza. Your rhythm is right on-beat, even though a good rhythm isn't required, it's always preferred by most readers. Your rhyming and word choice are thoroughly prepared and there is no problem with that. Basically, this is what your other stanza's should model themselves after. In fact, it would be even nicer if this was the first stanza since it was worded so nicely.
I also kind of hoped that there was more to this poem. I would have really liked a continuation of more details for the pizza.
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied for this review!
Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.
-Yoshi of the Kyoshi Warriors
Hi Horisun! I saw you had another poem in the green room so I'm back for another review :)
Ooh so I really like the concept of this stanza. It's a good opening, too - vague enough to not give too much away, while still establishing that the poem is (supposedly) about a romantic interest. However I do think you could rework the lines to convey the concept even more effectively -> perhaps saying that the air is thin without the smell of pizza, but when the smell of pizza is in the air, it richens the air. A rough example of how you could do that would be:Aah I love the plot twist at the end! The fact that you were able to create expectations and then shatter them in the course of three short stanzas (or four, if you consider "Pizza" a stanza) is honestly really impressive. I also adore that you avoided using full-stops throughout the poem and then ended with a period after "Pizza"; it gives that word a certain weightiness and importance that contributes to the comedic effect really well. Similarly, I like that "Pizza" breaks the rhyming scheme - it makes it stand out even further, in a good way!
For some reason this line feels a bit awkward / unnatural to me? Maybe it's just because I rarely if ever hear "dire" used in day-to-day speech. I think the word "fire" actually lends itself really nicely to incorporating some reference to desire, which would add nicely to the build-up (and then consequent plot twist). However that's definitely up to you, and it's certainly fine as is, too!
The flow in this stanza is gorgeous! I'm not sure if you did it on purpose, but the meter of line 2 and 3 match up perfectly -> weak-STRONG-weak-weak-STRONG:
both SALT-y and SWEET
an-GEL-ic; di-VINE
I do have to ask, are you implying by this stanza that you condone pineapple on pizza? Because that's the only pizza I can think of that's both salty and sweet. (If so, I fully agree with you; Hawaiian pizza is truly divine.)
And one minor nitpick; I'd suggest un-capitalizing the "D" in "divine", as it isn't technically the start of a new sentence or line.
Overall, this was a really fun and entertaining read! Again, I'm so impressed with how much plot development (if you can call it a plot - hopefully you know what I mean though haha) and suspense you fit into three short stanzas. I think you made some really effective poetic choices, especially in the way you formatted "Pizza". I hope this review is helpful, and again, if you have any questions about it feel free to ask ^^
Keep writing!
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