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What do you See?

by Horisun


Who am I?

For me, that's been a tough question.

I look in the mirror, and see a girl who I have never known.

She has my eyes,

my nose, my ears.

But yet... She doesn't have my smile.

So that's why I'm asking you,

what do you see?

Your opinion matters to me,

so don't say, 'I don't know'

Just tell me,

am I stupid?

Am I a jerk?

Or am I kind?

Am I a diamond, hard to find?

I have my doubts,

I have my fears,

I have my flaws, 

I am just human.

But there is something with claws,

its inside and out.

It tears me from within, but I hear it without.

Its voice is poison, are its lies truth?

I want to scream, I want to shout!

It tells me I'm not worth it,

it tells me I'm a mistake.

It tells me my friends hate me, I don't know if its true.

So again, I ask you, what do you see?

Can you please slay this beast within?

Let my doubts melt away?

Tell me what you think.

I care for you,

Do you care for me?

So tell me, what do you see?


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16 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 16

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 10:28 pm
lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a short review!

I really liked this piece. I’m a bit of a melt for this kind of conversational poetry, so when i saw I was like, “MUST REVIEW!” Anyway, you had some really great lines in here, and your theme is so relatable to probably pretty much everybody- we all have our crises from time to time. So it was really well crafted in general.

However, there are a few definite improvements you could make. For instance, some of your lines feel a little out of place. Standalone, they’re beautiful line, but they just don’t quite seem to fit with the context. What I’d suggest in this instance is just to reorder some of your lines. Read aloud and see where each line fits best. This will really help you with flow and thythm.

A second thing I noted is that a few lines are a little clunky. They just seem a little too long or verbose, and interrupt the flow. Thus, once again, I suggest you read aloud your poem and try to modify areas where this is the case.

On the whole though, an absolutely stellar poem. Congrats!

Keep writing,
Luke




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431 Reviews


Points: 13818
Reviews: 431

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 10:05 pm
Liberty says...



Hey Horisun! Liberty500 is gonna drop a review bomb. (That sure was random.)

I really loved your poem, it was very relatable. Sometimes, I look at myself and I'm just like: "Am I nice? Am I mean? Am I nerdy? Am I... I don't know what I am." happens to me every other night. Whatever, onto the review.

In the following lines I caught some capitalizing problems.

"Just tell me,

am I stupid?

Am I a jerk?

Or am I kind?"

You did capitalizing on the the first, third, and fourth lines. But not on the second line, so you might just wanna fix that.

Overall, this was very nice to read!

Keep on writing! :)

~Liberty500




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431 Reviews


Points: 13818
Reviews: 431

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 10:05 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hey Horisun! Liberty500 is gonna drop a review bomb. (That sure was random.)

I really loved your poem, it was very relatable. Sometimes, I look at myself and I'm just like: "Am I nice? Am I mean? Am I nerdy? Am I... I don't know what I am." happens to me every other night. Whatever, onto the review.

In the following lines I caught some capitalizing problems.

"Just tell me,

am I stupid?

Am I a jerk?

Or am I kind?"

You did capitalizing on the the first, third, and fourth lines. But not on the second line, so you might just wanna fix that.

Overall, this was very nice to read!

Keep on writing! :)

~Liberty500




Horisun says...


Thanks! That was on purpose, because I had a coma in the line before. Am I not supposed to do that?



Liberty says...


OHHHHHH, OMG, I'm so dumb! Never mind! That's fine! Totally fine! It's PERFECT! So sorry! It was a dumb mistake!



Horisun says...


It's fine! :D



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36 Reviews


Points: 506
Reviews: 36

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Mon Jan 14, 2019 4:47 am
fishsashimi wrote a review...



wowie i haven’t reviewed in a while lol

Hi there! My name is fishsashimi and I will be reviewing your piece!

You did quite well on grammar and spelling but I did see that when you put “its”, you should have added an apostrophe. Don’t worry, I do this all the time in my poetry! Also, on the second-to-last line, you capitalized “Do” by accident. Once again, just small potatoes! Nothing to stress over!

I found this piece relatable. Often times I have a bit of an identity crisis and I question myself. I really like the way you interpret your insecurities and anxiety as a beast controlling you, and I also find the last bits where you ask the reader for help getting rid of it very fascinating. I often use similar analogies for my poems. Just one thing to improve on would be your appeal to the senses. By that I mean you’re very straightforward with your work. You have no particularily descript lines of what’s going on. I struggled with that when I began, so no need to stress!

I hoped this helped! Let me know how I can improve on my reviewing skills!




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!



fishsashimi says...


No problem! :D



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562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

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Mon Jan 14, 2019 3:49 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, Shikora is back to review one of your works today.
Let's get to it.
So I saw one thing in the poem that seemed a little strange. It was this line.

but I hear it without.

I think the with should be taken out, and leave the out. I think it will make the sentences sound a lot better.

But other then that, this was a really cool poem, It was really real in a way, because I'm sure that some girls in the world feel that way when they look at them selves. So good job, I really liked the emotions you put into your work. You put your punctuation all in the right places, and by doing that, you gave your work a really nice flow.
I think the name you chose for your poem was really cool, it tells us what the poem is about, and yet it doesn't it still makes you want to read what it's about.

Well that's all from me today, I'm sorry this wasn't a very long review, but I couldn't find many things wrong with it. So I really liked reading and reviewing your poem, and I hope to see more on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review :D





Your welcome.




A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde