Authors Note:
This poem is a rewritten version of the first poem I ever wrote on this site. It was a lot of fun to make, even if I'm not quite happy with the outcome. I'm not great at longer poems, but I think this gave me the practice I needed.
I might try something similar with the first Short Story I ever posted here, but we'll see, I suppose : D
It's a booming, blackened night.
It's filled with terror; It's filled with fright.
I pull my toes beneath the blanket
I won't let a vampire bite.
Somehow despite thunder over head
I hear my Dads snores deep in bed
Or perhaps not my Father
Rather the sneaky undead.
Which way do the Witches loom?
Which way lies a child's doom?
I approach the scuffling closet
And draw my sword (broom)
No Demon will steal my soul tonight
I will face my fears, I will, alright!
Those evil creatures should run and hide
Cause they aren't the only ones who bite!
But then, as I raise my sword to fight
Thunder strikes, room filled with light!
And what does it reveal
Well...
That I was right!
Monsters are abound in this house, you see!
Look at my brother, who went to pee!
But he isn't that scary?
Night is only scary if we let it be.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
HELLO THERE HORISUN I AM HERE TO REVIEW FOR YOU
first off i want to say i enjoy how bouncy and carefree this poem is. it's lighthearted and carries a feel-good vibe the whole way through, even though you're trying to scare us for the first half.
now i want to point out the rhyme scheme you have going. i may be a bit biased because i am a HUGE fan of the aaba rhyme scheme, and you have it down to pinch in the first half of the poem. i am only upset because you threw it out in the second half and allowed every line to rhyme after that. this is not so much a complaint, as it was still well written, but more of an observation where i get to say aaba ftw LOL.
the poem reads like perhaps a children's halloween poem, one that is meant to have them curiously following along. you throw a few witty lines in there, giving us a depper insight as to what's really going on:
and i think that's adorable. the fact that you have brought the imagination of the narrator to the forefront of the readers mind was a brilliant way of releasing tension off of our shoulders. it kept the poem lighthearted and carefree. this comes in handy when we get to the final verse.
talking about the fact that it was simply the narrators brother making all of that noise was a good form of comic relief. you leaving us with a message about the night only being scary if we allow it to be is whole some and gives us something to take away from all of this, so that is very well done on your part.
the only one question i have is, why is the brother in the narrators closet??
BUT anyway, thank you for sharing your work and i hope to see you posting more in the future!
Hey! Plume here, with a review!
This poem was super fun and quirky! I really loved it. It sounded like something I would read to a child around Halloween. It read almost like a children's book, and that's completely a compliment! I could almost imagine the illustrations to go along with it.
One thing you do marvelously is your imagery. I could clearly hear that thunder in my head. I saw the narrator brandishing their broom as all the creepy things you described swirled around them. It was brilliant, to say the least. It was probably my favorite part.
I also laughed out loud at the last stanza, where you reveal the noises to be the narrator's brother. I appreciated the subtle "my brother is a monster" roast (as someone with two brothers, I can relate). And the message you leave the reader with (Night is only scary if we let it be) is quite good too. I think that's also what led me to think of a children's book as I read this; it's almost like it could help a child overcome their fear of the dark.
One thing I wondered about was the syllables. You seem to have some inconsistencies in the syllable patterns of the poem, which is usually something you take into account while writing a rhyming poem. I found myself stumbling in the flow a bit. I know it can be super tough to get the right amount of syllables in each line, so this critique isn't necessary. I just thought I'd point it out.
Specifics
I don't think you need to capitalize the second "it's." Since you've got a semicolon there, they're technically a part of the same sentence.
"Dads" should be "dad's," since you're describing the snores belonging to him. Also, Dad and Father don't need to be capitalized. Since you've included the possessive article "my" in front of them, they are common nouns, and shouldn't be capitalized.
Your wordplay in this line is superb. I. Love. It.
I think this line would be better if you put "it's a broom" rather than just "broom" in the parentheses. Right now, it seems a little abrupt to me, and I think it sounds better with more syllables.
Other than that, I really, really enjoyed this! It was light and humorous, and it really brightened my day, so... thanks! Keep writing!
Hey Horisun!
This poem is really quirky and well, sweet. The rhyme scheme is really well balanced and catchy. That is something I always struggle at myself. The way you have presented the fear we feel in the night is very well communicated and also it provides a really nice imagery to the poem.
The way you have laid out the poem is really different and it is very consistent with your piece.The ending of the poem is very humorous but I think it makes the ending a little confusing or unclear, just a slight bit. I think you could modify the last two lines a bit . It is totally up to you though, I might be very easily missing out on something which is making me confused and also humor is a theme I am rather weak at so...
'No Demon will steal my soul tonight
I will face my fears, I will, alright!'
In the first line the D in demon should not be capitalized I think but it might just be a typo or maybe you just wanted to draw attention to it for some reason.
Overall the poem was very nice,quite humorous and lucid. I hope you put up more such pieces here on yws. I hope I didn't sound rude or offending ( please forgive me if I did, please!). Also I really like your username.
Keep posting such amazing pieces.
Tanishka
Thank you for the review! I will take what you've said into account