My Dear Enemy,
I have a bone to pick with you.
I think its the way you speak,
But other than that, I have no clue.
My Mortal Nemesis,
You are a stinky shoe.
And yes, this seems bleak,
But our destiny is bound like glue.
Horrible Evil,
Draw your blade,
Come on now, and face me,
This is where history's made.
Brother of mine,
There will be no one to aid
As I crush you at Monopoly,
For I have been betrayed.
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140,109 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hi! This is a very amusing and interesting poem, so I'm here for your review!
This is an exceptionally good introduction except for two things.
First, "way" and "you" have an extra space.
Second, the rhythm would be nicer if you removed "But" from the final line in the stanza.
Okay, I love the part where you say "You are a stinky shoe" but I realize that I'm pretty sure that the point of your poem here is to be dramatic until the very end where you twist the entire plot and say that your enemy is your brother. However, adding "You are a stinky shoe" has an amusing effect to it, and thus interrupts the flow of the mood. Instead, you could put something like, "You're as noxious as a shoe" or something of the sort.
I can't see any way to change it shorter than it is, but like that last stanza, your final line is a bit long. However, the problem is, all of the key words are in, and it's as short as it can be. I guess you can keep it that way.
This has a slight anticlimatic punch to it. "Come on now, and face me." doesn't have the same dramatic-ness in the rest of the poem. Instead, you could have put, "Face me, if you can" or "Face me like a man" or something a little more powerful.
BAM! There's when the twist comes. I absolutely love it. I especially love how you add Monopoly in the third line, so the entire poem is changed from a heroic/epic to an amusing sibling poem.
Hope you were satisfied with this review!
-Yoshi
Thank you for the review!
Hey Horisun!
Great poem. It's well-written, and the rhymes are really good!
I have a few notes:
I believe you know that and that it's just a typo, but just to be sure:
its - a possessive determiner we use to say that something belongs to or refers to something.
it's - a contraction of “it is”.
Glue is the one that keeps stuff bounded, so I think it would be more accurate like this.^
As @rida and @Lunagirl, I think the use of different names in each stanza to refer to your enemy is awsome and very enjoyable!
The last stanza is my favorite, it's just perfect.
Great job!
Omer.
Thank you for the review!
Great job on the poem!
It was very funny and good. Your rhyming was great, and I really liked this part a lot, especially the end of it.
"You are a stinky shoe.
And yes, this seems bleak,
But our destiny is bound like glue."
I really enjoyed how you used different names in every stanza to call your enemy. From Enemy, Mortal Nemesis, Horrible Evil, and even the last one, Brother of mine.
Overall I spotted no mistakes, you did a great job on this, and it shows what a wonderful writer you are!
Can't wait to read what you write next.
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Thanks for the Review!
This is a very good poem! A very funny one, I mean. The rhyming you used was very good, and you are very talented poet. I loved how used a different name for the enemy in each stanza. I especially loved the last stanza. You write wonderful poems! I didn’t really find any mistake. So, overall, this was a wonderful and amazing and awesome poem. Thank you so much for sharing this poem.
Keep writing!
Aw, thank you!