Hi! This is a very amusing and interesting poem, so I'm here for your review!
My Dear Enemy,
I have a bone to pick with you.
I think its the way you speak,
But other than that, I have no clue.
This is an exceptionally good introduction except for two things.
First, "way" and "you" have an extra space.
Second, the rhythm would be nicer if you removed "But" from the final line in the stanza.
My Mortal Nemesis,
You are a stinky shoe.
And yes, this seems bleak,
But our destiny is bound like glue.
Okay, I love the part where you say "You are a stinky shoe" but I realize that I'm pretty sure that the point of your poem here is to be dramatic until the very end where you twist the entire plot and say that your enemy is your brother. However, adding "You are a stinky shoe" has an amusing effect to it, and thus interrupts the flow of the mood. Instead, you could put something like, "You're as noxious as a shoe" or something of the sort.
I can't see any way to change it shorter than it is, but like that last stanza, your final line is a bit long. However, the problem is, all of the key words are in, and it's as short as it can be. I guess you can keep it that way.
Horrible Evil,
Draw your blade,
Come on now, and face me,
This is where history's made.
This has a slight anticlimatic punch to it. "Come on now, and face me." doesn't have the same dramatic-ness in the rest of the poem. Instead, you could have put, "Face me, if you can" or "Face me like a man" or something a little more powerful.
Brother of mine,
There will be no one to aid
As I crush you at Monopoly,
For I have been betrayed.
BAM! There's when the twist comes. I absolutely love it. I especially love how you add Monopoly in the third line, so the entire poem is changed from a heroic/epic to an amusing sibling poem.
Hope you were satisfied with this review!
-Yoshi
Points: 421
Reviews: 129
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