The door is locked; I can't get by
Tug the handle; bang at the door
Check the key hole; there's an eye
Bright neon blue; no pupil seen
It gives a look; and then it speaks
It asks my name; calls itself queen
They are destiny; they remember
Every hero, fiend, and in between
And which am I? The eye flutters
I am neither; I am nothing
I'm forgotten and I am lost.
Destiny's eye turns me away
I ask it why; why must I go?
I pull at the handle
I bang at the door
And through the window
I see everyone else
Who
Were
Always
Meant
To
Be
Remembered
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140,109 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hi! Plume here, with a review!
I actually really adore this poem! It's such a cool concept. I love the Destiny's eye portion. It a really interesting take on fate and such, and the way you described it was so great. It really emphasizes the fact that the narrator feels insignificant, thus being overlooked by the eye of destiny.
The way you described it as being behind a locked door was also really interesting. I usually associate being locked somewhere with frustration, and I think you really conveyed all of the narrator's negative feelings throughout the poem quite well. There's nothing worse than watching everyone else experience something you can't, and the locked door is a perfect symbol to show a metaphorical or even physical block.
Critiques
For this part, you seem to be using two different pronouns for "destiny." I think you switched to "they" to refer to the entire being of destiny rather than just the eye, which was the "it," but it's still slightly confusing. I think you should just consistently refer to it as it.
Another thing I have to say is that the ending seemed a little abrupt. This is a short poem, but I think it was more the fact that you decided to separate all of the words in the last phrase in separate lines. It stunted the flow a little and rather than having the most impact, it diminished it. Small phrases do have the most conclusive feel, though, so rather than putting them all on one line, I think it would sound better if you structured it something like this:
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem! I think it's structured beautifully and the concept is phenomenal. I feel like I didn't emphasize how much I love the concept, but I really do. It's really great. Anyways. Keep writing, because you've got major talent!!
Hello Horisun! Hannah here for a quick review.
Grows:
"The door is locked; I can't get by
Tug the handle; bang at the door
Check the key hole; there's an eye"
I noticed that you attempted to rhyme, but there is so much in between that it doesn't really work.
"Destiny's eye turns me away
I ask it why; why must I go?"
It just seemed like the rhythm was off in that one.
Glows:
This was a great poem! There was a rhythm to it, and you pulled the rhyming off really well!
I loved this part:
"Bright neon blue; no pupil seen
It gives a look; and then it speaks
It asks my name; calls itself queen"
It had a perfect rhythm to it and rhymed perfectly! Great job.
I hope you have a good review day, that you are enjoying 2021, that you have a good Valentines day and keep writing! Hope you have a good day!
Hannah
I really liked this, I enjoyed reading your poem. I was wondering if *fiend* was supposed to be like that or not... If not it would work best if you changed it to whatever you were trying to say or friend (I assumed you meant friend lol) Also at the end adding *Remembered* there doesn't really flow as nicely. You don't have to change it, it is just my opinion. Other than that I loved the poem!
Your second stanza has such a nice musicality to it, good job. Your meter works well.