wishbones & breadfruit

Audy!

I don't think I've ever reviewed of your pieces before. If I have, my memory is terrible. But this was really quite lovely. There's such rich imagery in this, and its poems like this that make writing poetry look easily when it's really hard and I wish I could be as talented as all of you. As Sparkle said, your beginning and ending lines are both very strong. In revising, I think you could work on fleshing out the middle.

I understand that this about hunger, and it's clear enough to make an impact, but I still think that there is more that you can do with this piece. To me, this could be any child, any family. And maybe that this is what you were going for, but I think it would add a lot if you added some character. Who is the narrator, and why is she hungry? Who is the man that comes at the beginning?

I wish I had more to say, but I thought you did a really good job with this. Best of luck in your revisions, feel free to give me a shout if you need anything else!!

Hey love! I saw your wallpost and figured I'd give it a go

I personally love your writing style. It's very melodic and fairy like. Fairy like in you look at it, and you're not sure what to make of it, but you love it anyway.

But, to the review. I love the ending stanza, and I love the beginning stanza. But in the middle it gets a bit muddled and I'm not sure what you're talking about anymore, cause you get a little off track. At first it's about man giving you food, but then you switch to talking about games, and then you're talking about seeds impregnating you? That's a really weird and disturbing image, and I don't like it. That stanza creeped me out a bit, because all I could think about was someone with a tree growing out of their mouth.... And I don't think that's what you want to portray in this poem.

Unless it's a metaphor for someone dying from hunger and being buried, so when you're talking about the plants, they're actually the grass growing over their coffin?

See, this is why I love your poetry. There's so much their with so little imagery used, that it's clean and crisp. There's no overused metaphors or cliched lines. It's just there.

Regardless if it was the coffin thing or a tree growing through someone's mouth, the imagery is creepy. And the rest of the poem isn't that creepy, so it's very abrupt.

After the weird tree people, comes my favorite stanza. Mm, if you had just put this stanza alone, it would have made a beautiful poem. Really. I love it omg. I love how you say the flavor of bones, not actual bones. There's a little hint of the creepy we were talking about, but it's a good creepy. The creepy that makes me shiver in delight and want a cup of tea and a good HP Lovecraft novel. I only have onnnneee little nitpick for this stanza.

half a scrap clinging
to the scrape of teeth and the tinkling

hey Audy. I really loved your work.You have this uncanny knack of placing the exact image into the readers mind with your words. There was this melancholic image running in my head right from the beginning till the end. "Because if i eat enough seeds, they might grow up and impregnanate my tummy" this, i personally felt a bit offbeat and forced. The final stanza nailed it though, the bone munching thought game your poem a whole new dimension.
" tin dinner of cans hitting tar"..."canned dinner of tins hitting tar"?..just a thought!
overall a good thoughtful work ,well worded. Cheers!
-Usero!

I really really liked this! And at "pregnant my tummy" I think it should be "impregnate" But other than that the poem flows very smoothly. I love

"a man arrives by the sweeper heaps,
says he'll give us some bread if we behave
as birds."

I really like it, but I'm not really sure what it's about, probably because it's personal to you.

KEEP WRITING!!!!

KAYLA