There's an anchor tied to my feet,
And no matter how hard I swim
I just keep sinking.
I'm doing everything I can
But I can't breathe anymore.
I can't know any words,
Or find any feelings.
-
I'm stuck and no matter what I do
The air bubbles escape me,
Running away from me
And leaving me at the bottom
Of my sea of misery.
-
I don't know if I can handle this.
I don't know if I can get free.
Drowning seems to be my only option,
I don't want it to be.
-
The anchor is you,
But I can't bring myself to let you go.
I know you need me
And this is not your fault.
-
Every fall launches us even further down,
The light from the surface fading away.
I hope we find the way out
Before this brings the end of us.
I don't want to sink with you,
I don't want to sink at all.
-
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey Legacy! Here for some last minute RevMo reviews!
So this is a pretty intense poem! I clearly get the feeling of being defeated and giving up, the speaker is being portrayed as feeling really weighed down by their situation from a couple different standpoints they can't fight their feelings or be strong enough for two people, and their partner is sick so cannot lend their own strength. The speaker wants to escape the situation but it feels inescapable. I think a lot of people can relate to this sort of scenario either with romantic relationships that turn wrong, or family member relationships or friendships, there's a lot of toxic one-sided relationships in the world and that's a tough feeling to deal with.
Now on to poem structure - > from the title, I thought the main image would be sinking. But you really only use that sinking metaphor in the first stanza -> I would love if you expanded this a bit more maybe with some real water imagery and descriptions and used it not only at the beginning but all the way through the poem. This would make the poem feel more cohesive to have one central image that's pulled all the way through, because right now some of the problems the speaker's facing seem unrelated.
You seemed to stick to a solid capitalization and punctuation pattern that stayed consistent through the piece, this is good. The only change I'd make there is that the usage of ellipses (...) in the last line is a bit over-dramatic. Ellipses tends to be misread as confusion or trailing off or dramatic pause for the sake of humor or surprise - so it rarely adds to a piece in my opinion except makes the reader question why it's there because its usage is pretty ambiguous.
A last suggestion is imagery would be a good add, as well as specificity to the problem the speaker is facing. Right now the problem feels a little too general to really understand what's going on, and a bit scattered too. The speaker may have a whole bucket list of problems with the subject of the poem, but it'd be better to really hone-in and focus on one so that the poem can be more focused and the message can come across more clearly.
Overall, I think this poem communicated emotion very well! And the image of someone sinking because of another person, is a great metaphor to build on. A bit more imagery and specificity would go a long way in bringing this poem to the next level.
All the best,
alliyah
I did some slight editing and added more imagery related to water and removed the ellipse.
Oh! That was quick! I really like those additions Legacy - especially in that final stanza I think it brings the point home.
Yeah, it's just a very stressful situation that I'm in right now and there's nothing I can do about it. My fiance is sick (he keeps having unexplained falls and he's only 21 so definitely not normal). We've already got more dr appts made, it's just a waiting game now.
Awe </3 Legacy, that's awful! I'm really sorry to hear that. That would be so tough and heart-breaking to go through. Hopefully he is able to get some answers on his health soon.
Wishing you the best!
Thank you. It's been this way for a few months now. He's not even able to work because he will fall at work too and I don't want him to fall and not have someone catch him and him hit his head or something. Hopefully we will have the answer at the end of the month (we've got 4 different dr appts for different testing on his heart and brain to see if either might be causing the problem.) If they are then it's probably something serious. I don't want it to be something serious but at the same time any answer is better than not knowing...
Greetings, legacy! I hope you don't mind me calling you that.
I'll be frank; I like the poem. It's quite simple, without deep meanings or hints of something other than what it is, and it made for a good read.
Just a quick question: what kind of capitalization are you using? You've capitalized words beginning after commas but also ones in the middle of what should have been compound sentences.
The first stanza is the best, it creates a rather powerful image. That said, if you're feeling low you can always, always talk to me any time you want. <3
These lines are kinda out of place. They just rose out of nowhere" one minute the narrator is despairing at their predicament, the next saying they'll be the "stronger person" even when they don't want to. There's nothing wrong with that; it's just that you need to develop some more context behind this, and suddenly involving the reader/another person isn't a good way to portray strength.
The last stanza is missing something - I can't say what exactly - but it's still a decent ending to a good poem.
My overall suggestion: write a few more stanzas. You're a talented poet, and this feels unfinished.
I hope I wasn't condescending or rude! I'm sorry if you felt that way.
Keep writing!
- Lee
The other person is my fiance who is suffering from recurring falls and we don't know why... He has a ton of drs appts coming up to hopefully tell us why but its stressful not knowing why he keeps falling. It's hard for me to catch him and it makes me feel like I can't be weak right now since we never know when he is going to fall.
I hope he gets better soon!
I love the additions you've made, btw.
This has a very modernist approach to it, a piece of congressional poetry. I like the motif of drowning here, there seems to be a flow in the work, which rather than being anxious is accepting the drown, taking it like it is.
I made some new edits if you want to re-read it