z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

​you only leave on the night ​of the new moon ​

by Casanova


you only leave on the night
of the new moon 


when the stars are shining,
we reach for each other
in pale street lights
by the gas station
across from your house

as if i weren't there,
your hazel eyes
show no sign of life

i take your hand, cold --
like the first snowball in the midst of December

i let it free fall
back to your side
and take a momentary glance to the end of the road
where she'll be waiting
to pick you up

my eyes drift towards you,
the moon disappears,
the stars dim,
and these street lights
fade away

wasn't it he who said,
"you only leave on the night
of the new moon?"


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
277 Reviews

Points: 1335
Reviews: 277

Donate
Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:20 am
Charm says...



i haven't read your stuff in forever but wow you've improved a lot! keep on writing Casa c:




User avatar
1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:16 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



From the look of what's in the Green Room I thought I'd be reviewing that poem (or set of lyrics because I read that one and figure they're more of that than poetry) but I went back and checked and saw this. Awesome. I am significantly better at reviewing and tackling a piece like this compared to that other one that's still in the Green Room as I review this. :p Without further ado, let's jump right in.

I have to say that the first line or the title line I should say is worded a little awkwardly. How is it that this person only leaves on the night of the new moon? Why is this? That's what I don't understand about this poem. I remember that you said you didn't think that this poem happened to be executed properly and I have to agree. This is the first reason why--I don't understand the two main lines in the poem.

Maybe this is because of the first line having 'only'? Take that out and I can see what you're attempting to do. I much prefer the two lines that are a whoosh out of the middle of nowhere about the first snowball in the middle of December--if anything, please keep that line. I enjoyed the imagery with the gas station although the ending second to last stanza is sort of a repetition of the second stanza.

I understand that you're attempting to have the poem open and close with similar imagery such as the moon, the gas station and the streetlights. I'd like to see this happen because I find this interesting but in a different direction or way is the way to take this. Who is he at the end of the poem? The moon? That's what I'm confused about. And her? Who is she? I wanted more context as to who and what's going on. Is 'you' the moon because the moon can't be seen on the night of the new moon? I wanted more context in all areas and while I believe this holds potential, this isn't quite there yet.

If you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




User avatar
1231 Reviews

Points: 144200
Reviews: 1231

Donate
Sun Aug 27, 2017 5:03 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi there! I just wanted to leave a few thoughts on your poem for review day.

So, I think you have a fabulous first two lines "you only leave on the night / of the new moon" there's an opportunity for a lot of symbolism, because "night" and "new moons" are often symbols anyways that combining them is interesting. Night is often seen as somber, but then a new moon promises new life and yet it's darker than a full moon so is maybe still a little bit ominous. As I dug into the rest of the poem, I kept hoping for you to unpack that metaphor a bit more. Surely, when this line is the title and the first and the last lines of the poem it must be significant. But it didn't quite seem like as a reader I ever really could figure out what symbol this was trying to convey. The rest of the poem is similarly dark, and talks a bit about stars, but we don't really revisit that moon imagery fully. In the second to last stanza, the speaker says:
"my eyes drift towards you, the moon disappears, the stars dim, and these street lights fade away".
I think this is intriguing but it feels like a cliffhanger. Like it basically ends on the speaker basically saying "I looked over there and ... "

Other than the meaning of the poem confusing me, I found it a bit tricky to follow the narrative of the piece. I found myself wanting to know more about the speaker's past relationship with the "he who said". Catching their relationship after the fact makes it difficult for me to feel too much sympathy for the speaker.

I will say though, that I think a big strength of this piece was your elegant phrasing. The pale lights and the hazel eyes were really nice details. They were specific, visual, and again could connect to that mysterious tone that you set up right from the beginning. There were a few lines that were a bit too long and stood out from the rest of the piece. The line about the "midst of December" and the line with "glance to the end of the road" were both twice as long as every other line which made them seem a bit out of place and made the flow of the piece a bit choppy at those parts. I liked your minimalist capitalization choices, again I think it fit the tone of the piece well.

Overall, nice job on this piece, there were some very intriguing elements in it. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Best of luck in your writing!

~alliyah

This Review has been brought to you by Team Autumn. Happy Review Day!




User avatar
26 Reviews

Points: 138
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:29 pm
restlessheart14 wrote a review...



Hey restlessheart14 here to leave a review :)

I really liked your poem. It was mysterious and dark (like the night before a new moon right ;))
A big thing for me that jumped out right away was the lack of certain punctuations and capitalizations. This was mostly just at the beginning of every line in each stanza. Something else that stood out to me was how you separated each line. For example,

"in pale street lights
by the gas station
across from your house"

It sounds oddly broken up to me because my brain reads it as "in the pale street lights. by the gas station. across from your house.", instead of reading it fluidly... Maybe its just me?
I really like your use of imagery and your similes like,

"i take your hand, cold --
like the first snowball in the midst of December"

It adds so well to the dark and mysterious aspect of the whole piece. My favorite stanza is the second to last one, it paints such a beautiful picture :) Overall, really nice job on the poem! I look forward to reading more from you :)




User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 325
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:59 pm
KayLou1609 wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to leave a review :)

Grammar
1) "and take a momentary glance to the end of the road" - "to" should be replaced with "at"
I'd suggest using capital letters where necessary as it creates a more sophisticated feel, but it's up to you. I'm a bit of a Grammar Nazi so I'm very picky when it comes to punctuation.

Form & Structure
I like how you've chosen to use an irregular structure by using a variety of different-length stanzas. Many poems use the regular four-line length stanzas, therefore by using two, three and four-line length stanzas, it makes your work unique and original. I really like how you've used the first two lines at the end, as it nicely finalises your poem and reminds the reader of the theme, in a sense. Anyhow, I like it.

Imagery
I think the imagery is good, but to create a more vivid description, using more descriptive and complex words. The lines are very short, which isn't a bad thing, but you have room to improve your imagery by slotting in more adjectives, similes, metaphors etc; this will really bring the poem to life for the reader. However, don't overload on technical language. It can ruin the flow and make it hard to read. Minimalism is good, but don't be too minimalist as there'll be nothing to draw from when making an interpretation.

Overall, this is a really good poem. Just a few more finishing touches and it'll be beautiful to read. I hope my review has helped.

KayLou1609 :)




User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:27 pm
View Likes
Deeksha says...



It is a beautiful poem. I really don't know much about writing poems but when i read your poem it took me back to my literature book in High School. Good Work!





Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson