z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Tell me, My Love

by Casanova


do you remember, my love
the day i told you, i was all yours?

do you remember, my sweetheart
The day i told you, her and i were no more?

i remember, and it haunts me now
i remember the red hot pitch forks in my stomach
and the dry-ice words than fell deaf against my ears
when you told me you didn't love me anymore

even now your venomous tongue lashes in my memory
acid that breaks down the paper-thin lining of my mind
and drips into my soul, the steam covering all that's left

do you remember, my love
when I threw it all away?

do you remember, my sweetheart
when I traded your love for this heart ache?

i remember, and it tears me in two
i still remember, the frost covered glances you made to me
when my eyes stayed dry when i told you the truth
the steel encased words that haunt you and I forever
never changing, never wavering

even now the soundproof walls we kept between us stay strong 
the barbed wire edges still cut into my skin
and this blood still pours from the lashes you set as punishment 

tell me, my love, do you remember me?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 11
Reviews: 22

Donate
Thu Dec 15, 2016 2:32 am
dramamine wrote a review...



Hey there Casanova, it's dramamine here to review.

Okay, meaningless introductions aside, I would firstly like to address what I liked in this poem. So you have a good thing going with some of the imagery here and I wish you would've expanded on this a bit more. I feel that some of your word choice here is also lacking. For example when you combine words together like "dry-ice" and "paper-thin" I think it lessens the overall impact and if you to chose words with a stronger image and power it could have added to what imagery you already have here. However, that is only my personal opinion.

When I read your words, I can't bring myself to feel much. There is really nothing extraordinary or new being said here but I can tell that this poem means something to you and in the end isn't that all that matters? Although, I do find some things I like here such as the phrase: "even now your venomous tongue lashes in my memory." Now I may sound harsh but again it is only my opinion. I think if you were to expand more upon the images you paint here and maybe add more creative words, I would like this poem even more.

Hopefully I helped some and didn't come across as a complete a**hole.




User avatar
200 Reviews

Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:37 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review.

First off, i love this poem. It's just how everyone feels when experiencing a breakup.

the feeling when someone tells you that they don't love you anymore. Was it really love, or were just using you for fun. the feeling changes into heartbreak and betrayal like you've just been poison with the most foul tasting toxin unknown to man. it sinks into you, lasting for days and weeks until it changes from sadness, to depression, to denial, and to acceptance. the only thing you can do is move on and remember the phrase by Nietzsche: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

the free-style flow of each stanza ran perfectly well without any rhymes. the only problem is that you add too much commas and you didn't capitalize some of your "i"s.

anyways, it's pretty good and i hope to read more.




User avatar
1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:37 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So I felt on a spiritual level with amelie on this one is that the poem didn't really do anything new, at least not with the repetition or the start of the poem. The repetition is just kind of generic and the only reason I find it to be there is to bridge the gaps between stanzas and other than that I didn't find a purpose for it to be there. When using repetition, know why you're using that repetition. The first two stanzas do a sort of contrast to kick off the poem and I would have liked to see that more later on rather than at the very start. Think about why you're using repetition.

Are you using it for emphasis on a single thought? You can say, "I like ice cream." once but if you say, "I like ice cream" three times, we know you really like ice cream. Are you using it to add on to what you've already said? Think about where you've said it in the poem. The beginning, the end? Side-by-side? Take those things into consideration because I think that this poem could use the repetition to its advantage to strengthen it and to make bridges for the stanzas rather than just being the center of the poem. I say bridges because I thought that the stanzas were the stronger parts of the poem, especially the last one that you have here.

I wanted a bit more clarity with the walls and the barbed wire though, describe more of that atmosphere. You do more at experimenting with imagery in this poem, which is something that I enjoyed but I wanted more of a topic or metaphor that you could go off of and expand with. I wanted you to kind of pick something and run with it. I'm not saying that the imagery can't vary from thing to thing but I would have liked less jumping around with that because it would be beneficial to the poem if you had metaphor running through it.

The ending didn't really do anything for me as I wanted stronger usage of the repetition but I didn't really get that. Instead we get one line that doesn't really pack a punch. I wanted the last line to twist hearts and punch guts as it would have fit the poem to have something with a lot of emotional impact there.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




User avatar
745 Reviews

Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:23 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



You used a newer technique.

DID YOU GAIN A LEVEL WHILE I WAS GONE?

Let's talk about that.

You also abused that technique, but first, let's address it:

"Tell me, my love, do you remember me?" The additional phrase here to address the You in the simple sentence "Tell me, do you remember me?" gives way for a world of flow and momentum control; however, if you overuse it, it almost becomes like a tired meter where the poet just wants to stop reading and move on. You came close IF NOT to that point here, but I'll be merciful and say you didn't just because it's the first time I've seen it in your work. I'd say if you're going to use it, spread its instances out and limit them to a reasonable number--but write intentionally.

You have a ton ton TON of navel gazing going on here and not in the good way that makes me really care about the events that came for the narrator, but instead just a narrative listing of feels that the You sent his way. The way to avert this is to crack open your personal style and voice and actually commune with it and learn what it is that allows you to speak your words that translate for everyone who reads them without the word 'love' becoming the word 'chicken.' And really, that's the definition of poetry in my eyes.

So if you have a narrative sense--among all the imagery because don't think I didn't notice the imagery--why not place us in those scenes? This is clearly a human condition poem, so human condition is allowed and healthy. Where were they when he broke the news? Where were they when he loved HER first? Last? Where are they now?

Not necessarily things that need to come into being, but experiments and thought clouds that need to cycle through the atmosphere before you can properly dub this edited. All things considered, even the grammar flops aside, this is leagues ahead of most of your work, and you're on a good track with reading and communing with those who've come before us. Keep it up.

Read, write, share, edit.
Ty




User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 170
Reviews: 10

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:24 pm
FangirlDivided wrote a review...



Hello! FangirlDivided here with a review!

I loved this poem. The fact that you could keep the flow of the words without rhyming is something I see very rarely.

The only thing I can find wrong is capitalization. I know poetry has different rules then novels, which is what I normally review, but things like capitalizing "I" can make your poem easier to read and more visually appealing.

Other than that, the poem is well written and beautiful.

All The Best,
FangirlDivided




User avatar
63 Reviews

Points: 723
Reviews: 63

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:14 pm
amelie wrote a review...



this lacks originality. not in the sense that EVERYTHING needs to be completely brand new and 'never seen before!' but I'd appreciate a less common construct. And my view on it probably has a lot to do with my hatred towards romance-related things, but really and honestly, it's too much.
There's a bit of inconsistency with pairing things with the very beginning I feel like. Inconsistency as in the general flow of the poem. So some time and concentration could do a good deal on that. Just some clunky bits that I noticed, a few things that are too wordy.

do you remember, my love
the day i told you, i was all yours?

do you remember, my sweetheart
The day i told you, her and i were no more?


"my love/my sweetheart" takes away from the poem. I don't really like the way it feels, that way that's it's so eugh. But the sentences -sayings- themselves don't do much for the poem either, other than make me think that is is going to be another sappy love poem that I've read so many times before. It just seems like a parody of something, which I've come to expect from you.

Imagery stands out in this poem for me, because I don't expect a lot of that from you, so it was pretty surprising. Especially the quality of it, because it really did do something for me.
i remember the red hot pitch forks in my stomach

was the only thing that I didn't like quite so much because it gives an ugly feel to the poem that I wasn't too thrilled with.
I don't like the ending. I just said out loud, 'are you kidding me?' because it's really disappointing. It's almost what I should expect from something of this sort, but I hate it. I'm just wondering where the actual logic behind that is. What, your soulmate forgot about you? That doesn't exactly match up. But as if I make any sense.

-amelie.




Casanova says...


The lines my love and my sweetheart are for the person this was about, as they are the most used names for the significant other.
The pitch fork line is for me, considering farmer/pitch fork
And then the last line is debating whether or not the other person actually loved you, not saying they actually forgot about you

And although the message is cliche(then again, what isn't by this point) the actual imagery/tone of the poem isn't

Thank you for your review




Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury