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S.J.H- a continuity

by Casanova


you read the poem- and was thankful your friend sent it to you 

ive wondered since 

if that meant you miss me 

like i miss you 

or is my mind just strictly 

making kitten filled illusions 

that's only ripe for heartache down the road 

i just wanted 

no, only hoped and wished 

to say hello 

and try to get closure, if that's what you preferred 

yet i cant bring myself to infer 

to whether your silence is the answer im searching for 

or the denial my heart aches to ignore 


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Fri Jun 22, 2018 12:06 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey @Casanova! Stella here for a review.

I really liked this poem - I went back and read the other two of the series that I could see to get a little context, but even without that it exists well in a vacuum. It's full to the brim with bittersweet nostalgia and heartbreak and it's a lovely and very sad perspective to write from.

There's a couple of technical things I found distracting, first of all:

or is my mind just strictly

making kitten filled illusions

that's only ripe for heartache down the road

I don't know if we're missing a question mark after illusions or if the following word should be "those". Either way it jilted heavily halfway through the poem and snapped me out of reading to try and figure it out.

Also, I fully believe that punctuation is up to the poet, but I think you need to be consistent. The one thing that bothered me here was apostrophes, some are there and some are missing and that just looks sloppy to me. Absolutely choose to go without punctuation as a stylistic choice, but be brave about it. Half measures won't do you any good.

The kitten imagery may be personal to this relationship, and as a poem written to a person it has its worth but as an unrelated reader it ultimately was meaningless and a bit too cutesy for the poem.

Also "infer to" also seems wrong to me.

Other than those, a lovely little poem obviously coming from a personal place. Thanks for sharing.

- Stella x




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Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:28 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who wonders whether the other read a poem and why there is silence as a response. The speaker notices the silence and feels hurt. Wishes that the recipient of the poem would feel about him in the same way he or she feels. In other words, there is a fear of unrequited love. The emotional pain can really be excruciating when that happens. I know via personal experience.

That pain along with the intense wishfulness that the person respond nicely is conveyed well. The poem doesn’t reveal the outcome. Yet the silence is a strong indication that something is awry. The tone of the poem seems to indicate that the speaker doesn’t feel emotionally capable of dealing with that implied rejection despite claims about closure.



Suggestions

The term “heart ache” is considered a cliche.
It is used twice.

The unorthodox spelling and lack of punctuation distracted. Please note that to me it is as if the writer is constantly doing somersaults in order to catch my attention. That isn’t the writer’s intention-I know. But that is the effect it has on me. So in my case regular punctuation would make it much easier to read and more effective in conveying mood ad meaning as well..

Using poetical devices would make it more poetical.

Also, please keep in mind that not everyone can readily understand how kittens fit in with illusions of love. Perhaps cat lovers might. But that restricts the understanding a bit.

Punctation suggestions:

[Y]ou read the poem- and was thankful your friend sent it to you[.]

[I]ve wondered since

if that meant you miss me

like [I] miss you [,]

or [if] my mind [is] just strictly

making kitten[-]filled illusions

that [are] only ripe for heartache down the road[.]

[I] just wanted[,]

no, only hoped and wished [redundancy]

to say hello

and try to get closure, if that's what you preferred[.]

[Y]et I can[’]t bring myself to infer

[that] your silence is the answer [I’m] searching for

or the denial [I yearn] to ignore

--

Looking forward to reading more of your work.





The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet