Young Writers Society

Hey Matt, here for another Review Day review,

Positives:Wow, this is intense. I was kind of feeling that it might be a little too over the top, but then I remembered that you're writing from the perspective of a slave, whoever they are, and that's not exactly a cake walk in the park. The tone fits the topic, to say the least.

her seven-sinned-whip still lashes across my chest
shredding everything it touches

This is good. Very cohesive, with strong imagery, and definitely miles better than the edited version. But I've already told you a few of the things I think you could do to make this even better, and let me explain a little more.

Cut, and trade weak verbs for more powerful language. Those are my two biggest pieces of advice. You don't need to cut actual stanzas or even actual lines. It's more a matter of taking out the filler words, writing with nouns and verbs and being a little more concise in your phrasing. This piece should be a gut punch, not a melodic, slow concerto.

her seven-sinned-whip still lashes across my chest
shredding everything it touches

her shackles still bind me
every once in a while
when she breaches the walls i've created

the faint feeling of tobacco sticks
across my back
punishment for living

this bunk i lie on
still has the stain of blood
left from days before
when i felt i wasn't good enough

This is Kaos here for a review!

So I see this is the edited version of your other work, and I have to say, it's a lot improved. I like to see you experimenting with everything and I think that kind of shines here. The end of the poem didn't really do anything for me which is something that I wanted to touch on now. It lacked emotional weight because it was so blunt compared to the rest of the poem and it didn't really work.

Your use of wording is something that's a strength in the poem and I have to commend you on that, but I think that punctuation would make it stronger. This poem works well with no capitalization running through it but it would do good with punctuation even if it's as small as commas because it really does make the difference on how a poem is read or perceived.

The imagery in this poem is something that I actually enjoy but I would like you to expand on some things. The first two lines don't do anything to me in terms of imagery because they kind of lack emotional impact, but the images that are left in my mind are the ones of branding. I want more sensory detail with the heat and everything of that sort. Something that I feel would add to the poem is that the speaker isn't really a slave to "her" but a slave to her memory and all the things relating to her like her perfume or the clothes she wore or the books she liked.

That kind of comes off the original trail of the poem but I think it would benefit from this route if you chose to take it. Something that I appreciated is the consistency of the imagery and how it doesn't jump around too much? Tying the stanzas together just a tiny bit more to cohesiveness is something that I suggest. Focus on your wording to do this because it's one of the strengths in this poem. Keep editing and experimenting with this because I think you've found a road of concrete.

I hope I helped and have a great day!