Young Writers Society

Hey there, casa !!

This is Eros here with a review for this beautiful piece of short poetry of yours, on this special occasion of Review day !

Happy review day

Firstly, the title of the poem is very unique. It suits the theme of the poem very well.

I like the way you have described everything and gives the poem a touch of romance...

The whole poem glides and flows smoothly with ideas linked to each other through them small sentences. The choice of set of the words I also very suitable and apt.

The story behind the poem is so unique and Amazing. I liked the poem very much.

The poem is short and there lies the talent. It requires special skills to express everything you feel using as little words as possible. And that is the speciality of this poem of yours.

No grammar mistakes and no punctuation issues too.

I loved the poem.

Keep writing such awesome poems and stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !

Have a great day / night !

~Eros.

Oh my God I am in love with this. I love short poems in general; I love the idea that a heavy message can be displayed in only a few words. I am also a huge fan of the opposing themes of love and death. I honestly cannot describe in full the way this poem makes me feel, but it is so endlessly powerful. I am drawn to beautiful and tragic works like this.

However, there are some changes I would make if this was my poem...

1. This poem, while it is beautiful, is not reaching its full potential. I understand the all-lowercase writing style-- it adds a certain aesthetic to the piece. However, saying "i'm" instead of "im" and "i've" instead of "ive" would make the poem look a lot more like a finished piece.

2. Also, adding correct punctuation to the end of your lines would be helpful. I personally would add a period after "grave," "of," and "keep." It would help the flow of your lines.

3. My last point may be a little nitpicky, but I realize no one else has mentioned it yet. I feel like if you said "i am" instead of "i'm" in the ending sentence could add a TON of punch to the poem. It flows with the whole sentence ("Let me come to no harm / until the day you pass, / or the day you decide / i am no longer your secret to keep.") but it also works really well on its own as a closer ("i am no longer your secret to keep.")

My overall analysis of this is that it's from the point of view of someone that is so deeply in love with someone that they want to live in a world of their own with this person. Or simply, they want to feel safe with their S/O. They want to be like a secret: safe until gone. I think this is about feeling safe and secure with the one you love. Until they are no longer yours.

Thank you for making this piece.

Lilith

Hi there! I'm Arden, here to review your poem!

As the previous reviewer stated, I did enjoy as well the mysterious feel/mood surrounding this piece. It does let my mind wander, which I always love in poetry. Establishing something firmly but still leaving room for one to explore with their own thoughts is key to a good piece, which is what you've done here.

My own brain established sort of a mother-child relationship. The only line that confused me and kind of threw me off that trail was the very last one --

im no longer your secret to keep

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

I like the tone and the mysterious mood that the poem conveys. I found it to be very thought-provoking. What indeed is the secret that is being spoken about? Is it an illicit affair and if so of what kind? The possibilities are many and not knowing specifically did not deprive the poem of its charm but is essential to it. One of the things I really like is how the poem projects the relationship as one where the speaker is willing to be treated badly. How the secrecy itself seems to be glorified in her and into something noble. Whether it is indeed something noble ,of course we as readers don’t know. But the devotion itself is admirable.



Suggestions


I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above.

Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop. This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop.

If I pause and then I find that I needed to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement. Below are some punctuation and other suggestions tjhat I feel will improve readability.


[T]reat me like a secret

and take me to your grave[.]

[C]radle me in your arms[.]

[G]ive me the security [I]'ve always dreamed[.]

[L]et me come to no harm

until the day you pass,

or the day you decide,

[I]m no longer your secret to keep[.]