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by Casanova


My soul is empty.

My patience is finished .

My lyrics are void .

My heart is gone. 

...

I wrote only for her.  

I breathed only for her.  

I lived only for her. 

I'm here because of her.  

...

It's hard to forget the past when my minds on rewind. 

It's hard to think about the future she's the only thing I can think of. 

It's hard to concentrate when I see her face everywhere I go.  

It's hard to sleep when she's the only thing that's in my dreams. 

...

I swore I'd never write again. 

I swore I'd never breathe again. 

I swore I'd never live again. 

I swore I'd never be here - again. 

....

I break these promises for reasons unknown.  

I break these words I swear I'll keep everyday. 

I break these vows I made to myself. 

I break these things that I want to keep. 

... 

It's impossible not to write when you're on my mind. 

It's devastating to look at her when you're on my mind. 

It's torturous to live this life when you're on my mind. 

It's killing me to stay here when you're on my mind. 

...

I wish you'd leave and let me have peace.  

I wish you'd go- but I can never find rest. 

I wish I could hold you one last time. 

I wish you were here-but that can never be. 


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Thu Dec 01, 2016 9:08 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



I don't have a greeting for you this time because that's not how I'm going to do things anymore. You recommended a file folder to me, said to review everything that was in it. Well I am but that doesn't mean I have to be nice and kind about it. I want my sixth star and there is nothing I will not do to get it.
Side note, this review is going to be on the short side for me since you already have so many reviews. In fact I'm limiting myself to ten minutes per review now and I'll just submit what I have.

1. You start off with something in your description that bothers me. The whole read it or don't thing seems to draw more people in that it drives away. I can admire you trying to use a different method to draw attention to your work. But kid, from the second that came up on the screen I started judging you. Besides the fact that all you ever write about is romance, a description that is just telling the reader 'you won't like this', not the best way to start. And your prediction proved fairly accurate, I didn't like this but I don't like any of your works. Let's talk about why I didn't like.

2. The first thing I really don't like about reviewing poetry is that there are all these different styles and sometimes you just really hate a style. Like you want to review more of one person's works just because you hate their style so badly and it's easy pickings for a review. Your style to me, isn't very well defined and that drives me a bit crazy. You've done more lyrics and poems than me, you should have a better grip on your style than me. All of these poems and works counteract each other and it makes it hard to judge. The style is actually a bit annoying with your insistence on complete sentences and caps at the beginning of every line.

3. Woo. Sorry about that, got a little bit off the track. Let's actually talk about the poem thing that is sitting in front of me waiting to be reviewed. Most of my points have already been covered by the other reviewers but let's see what is left over. The big really bothersome part to this is the constant repetition of the beginnings. I can deal with a bit of repetition here and there but not every single line beginning. After a bit I got distracted and just wanted to move on to my next review. But I promised to leave my thoughts on everything so here they are.

4. Repeated endings as well. Oh joy. Let's fry Lizz's mind a bit more so that she can stab us repeatedly with her review knives. See I think poems like this are the reason I stopped reviewing for a long, long time. I just can't find anything in this poem to grip on to and make me want to read it all the way through. Really at this point, I've barely read half of the poem and I'm completely fed up with it. Judging from the comments on this one, this was one of your earlier poems so maybe it changes a bit. I guess the stuff in the middle wasn't as bad. I don't really know at this point.

5. Emotions. One of the things poetry likes to do, is push emotion onto the readers. Like 'My life is going badly. Let me immortalize it as a poem and make all the readers cry.' Yeah probably not the best time for that joke but you get the point. I'm not very good at drawing emotion from poetry because I don't really do sad. There just didn't seem to be anything here to trigger sadness for me. Maybe just because I've read a lot of your poems and they all sound like this.

6. I'm done for this review. My fifteen minutes to just explain a couple of opinions are up. I need to stick to shorter reviews if I'm going to win this thing.
Contact me with any questions.
~Lizz




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Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:38 am
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MrSelfridge wrote a review...



Why, hello! Mr. Selfridge here for some reviewing.

Breakups are a rough time, bro. Selfridge is here for you. I like how you portrayed the author's sense of loss. I almost feel like I'm reading song lyrics. Play guitar at all?

Repetition can be powerful and a good way to get a point across. I like the repetition at the beginning of this piece, but I think it gets a bit too repetitive near the end. Maybe try something like this:

'I swore I'd never write again,
breathe;live
never be here
again. '

You still maintain some repetition, but without the same phrase being said over and over and over and over and over...make sense?

Expressing emotion through text is a difficult thing. But you made it seem easy. ;)

Keep on keepin on: a phrase we share.

Selfridge out!




Casanova says...


Thanks for the review!



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Thu Sep 01, 2016 10:18 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Ay. Improvement is at hand, but it's boringly typical for stagnation to follow, so I'm not relenting. Getting straight to the meat and mechanics:

While you have broken away from your slavery to rhyme and meter, you've entered the world of free verse without a known concept of what your voice, style, flow, or method feels like. For this reason, you've produced a poem in the format style of grocery listing your thoughts and feelings, and that's not going to fly for any consumer with a sculpted taste. So the world of free verse begs a few things to make poetry operate properly. The most basic of poetic elements are metaphor and imagery--both of which are missing entirely from your list.

I'd put forward, instead, that what you've given me is a one-sided conversation during which you don't allow the other side to speak.

All I statements, all it's statements. There's no boundary of narration, no world for context. And for those reasons, there's absolutely no reason for the reader to care about the narrator or his feelings. That's a big statement because you kept this close to the chest. It happens, it'll happen again, and you'll eventually accept it for constructive criticism.

So. Regrowth.

The salvage here is that you have a very self-identified sentiment that doesn't pretend to be anything more or less than it is. If you were to show the scenes in which the narrator discovered these feelings, if you were to show the reader, instead, what symbolizes your steadfastness or your headlong rush into love without wanting it--if you were to give me a thread of metaphor, then you would very easily have the foundation of your future work. A place from which you can grow.

As of this moment, however, this is infertile ground. Till it, find the sweet spots, and allow the editing process to reshape your thoughts into metaphor. Let the metaphors take their own shapes. Mold those shapes into new lines.

That's poetry.

All the best,
Ty




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Thu Sep 01, 2016 8:14 pm
PancakeandWaffle wrote a review...



Hi Cassie this is the ever mysterious Pancake! I just wanted to say that this was really nice, I liked it a lot in fact I'd love to see more from you. You're very talented and I'm a bit envious. I felt like I could just feel the thoughts coming from this, I felt like there was a personal connection made between the author and reader. Not by addressing the reader of course, but by sharing your thoughts with us.

The repetition was done well, it flows nicely and doesn't feel forced which is important. The stanzas were fine in my opinion, some are a bit bigger than others but that can't be helped sometimes. The story itself is relatable and I think writers especially can relate to, what I call "muse-syndrome" when the thoughts of your muse just will not leave you be and it's excruciatingly frustrating.

Seriously though, keep doing what you're doing. You always have room to grow and better yourself and you definitely have that potential to go really far in doing that. Every little thing we write is important, even the stuff you quickly scratch down just because you need to get it out. Even if it isn't a master piece, it will always be important if it comes from the heart and that's what is important, remember that. You have a fantastic road up ahead. Bye!
(sorry if I missed any typos, I'm really tired)

Pancake~




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Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:54 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review.

I felt like this poem was incredibly weak, comparing it a bit to other stuff you've written. The repetitiveness just bogs the imagery down so it can't really do anything with the "I wish" or "It's hard" at the beginning of each sentence. It would be better if you cut that all out.

My soul is empty.

My patience is finished .

My lyrics are void .

My heart is gone.


These lines mean absolutely nothing to me. They all sound the same and don't really /mean/ anything. Anybody can write "My soul is empty", but nobody can write the same as you if you use imagery or your own experiences to make it more personal. I'm going to compare this to motivational quotes like "In order to succeed we must first believe we can" and "The best way to predict the future is to create it". These things can be said by anybody and don't feel genuine. They feel fake.

And false.

I swore I'd never be here - again.


*Ba dum tshh*

It's impossible not to write when you're on my mind.

It's devastating to look at her when you're on my mind.

It's torturous to live this life when you're on my mind.

It's killing me to stay here when you're on my mind.


The stanzas sort of switch between writing to a person and writing in general. You kind of randomly started using "you" or it wasn't clear enough that this was being written to someone, and to be honest, the "you" makes it more weak along with the last few words on each line of those. It feels repetitive, but it doesn't have a reason to be other than to fill space.

The imagery, as I said before, is incredibly bare-boned in this poem. It's weak. Nonexistent. There's no metaphors or similes or strong word usage, it actually feels more like a weak letter than a weak poem because of the lack of imagery used in it. I don't really feel any push or pull in this poem.

Overall I felt like this was a poorly executed poem with how you wrote it and such. It could have been better if you at least sprinkled imagery. I felt like this would be a better poem if the writer was obviously feeling weak and not strong in the way of writing it. A purposefully put in thing where the narrator is weak about their love towards two people. Or if the narrator had flatly said out loud that they were still in love with someone else rather than the person they were with?

That's all I have to say.




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Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:13 pm
AnnaBerrieJ says...



WOW!!
This was really good. I felt what you felt while writing.
Keep it up!




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Thu Sep 01, 2016 9:26 am
Kazeybear wrote a review...



Kazey here for a short review!

I loved this piece. The repetition was simply fabulous and really kept the reader engaged in the piece. You also used a very rich vocabulary throughout the piece, although there are time when you language could be a little more evocative. I think you did well to make this a more relatable piece, and the narrator of the poem really connects wit the audience, so kudos for that.

The only small criticism I have is that the third stanza's lines seem a little long in comparison to the rest of the piece, but I don't really know what you can do about that.

Anyway, well done, and continue writing!

~Kazey




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Thu Sep 01, 2016 5:38 am
CreativelyWritten wrote a review...



I think it's super cool that each stanza has the same repeated beginning for each line. And even more than that, I love the second to last stanza because you switched the repetition to the end of each line. It helped break up the monotony but also keep with the overall pattern so kudos on that. The only thing I really suggest changing is the third stanza second line. Maybe add a when before she's or add some punctuation because it kind of seems like two separate thoughts in a run on sentence. Otherwise, I can't find anything else to give suggestions on.

I also want to say that I'm one hundred percent there right now. You did great making it seem real. Great job.




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She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus