Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Lyrics » Romantic

E - Everyone

S.J.H- will it ever be over?

by Casanova


it feels like 

I've ran out of air 

your chain grip 

grasps my lungs 

tearing them in two 

but i never cared 

i let you, and for good reason(i thought) 

but it led to naught, on my end 

you wanted me 

to fit your criteria 

to fit in your picture of me 

and yet, 

you can stretch me out like canvas 

but ill never fit in your frame 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 326
Reviews: 19

Donate
Tue Dec 18, 2018 5:36 am
Caitlynn wrote a review...



It's simple, but very meaningful. The expressions are wonderful, and do well to create an image. "I've ran out of air," sounds awkward, and I suggest that you rephrase it a little differently. "to fit your criteria
to fit in your picture of me," this line is nice however I suggest you rephrase it, but only a little bit. I love the phrase where you mention the canvas, close towards the end. That led to a lovely image. Wonderful write.




User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 1090
Reviews: 13

Donate
Thu Aug 30, 2018 3:37 am
Poppy wrote a review...



Hi Casa! It’s Poppy here for a review!

Ooo, short, simple, yet meaningful. I like it! Some of the phrases you used were really nice, especially the one about the canvas. Now, I did notice a few things that might need to be fixed up.

“it feels like
I’ve ran out of room”
This shouldn’t be “I’ve ran”, instead you could put ‘I’ve run out of air’, like Mavisknightley said below, or ‘I have run out of air”. Either of these are fine.

“i let you, and for a good reason(i thought)”
Add a space between “reason” and the parentheses.

“but ill never fit in your frame”
“ill” should be ‘I’ll’ or ‘i’ll’ if you don’t want to capitalize the ‘I’

Well, that’s about it for me! This poem was really interesting, and I enjoyed reading it!
Keep up the great work!
-Poppy




User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 97
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sat Aug 04, 2018 2:55 pm
mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hello Casa,

I really enjoyed this piece. Though I do wonder: are these lyrics? Or is this a poem?

Onto the review!

***********************************

"it feels like

I've ran out of air

---Should be either "I ran out of air" or "I've run out of air"

"your chain grip

grasps my lungs

tearing them in two

but i never cared

i let you, and for good reason(i thought)

---This last line here reads a tad awkwardly. Rephrase?

"but it led to naught, on my end

you wanted me

to fit your criteria

to fit in your picture of me

and yet,

you can stretch me out like canvas

but ill never fit in your frame

---Excellent closer! Your imagery is fantastic.

One thing I noticed was that your title included "Will it ever be over?" and I did not see any indication that this was an on going issue with this person. In fact, if I had not read the title, I would have assumed that this relationship was over, and that you were in the process of healing after walking away. Was this how you intended it to sound?

Nice work, Casa! If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM. :)

Write On,
mav


http://www.mavisknightley.com





See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney