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Invisible butterflies

by Casanova


invisible butterflies take their tole 
and lead-tongues lizards hit their mark 
who are we to decide which is which?

the words of thousands pierce the widows veil 
icing her thoughts in their wintry storm 
who are we to decide what hurts?

the wonderful smells reach the bums nose 
filling their heart with longing and wonder 
who are we to decide who's bad
                                           and who's good?

invisible butterflies take their tole 
                   are you the 
                            butterfly 
     or are you
                 the stomach 
             they infect 


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Fri Dec 30, 2016 7:46 am
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fukase says...



Hi,

Just leaving a comment here that this poem (or anything butterfly related) always reminded me of this quote:

Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, a veritable butterfly, enjoying itself to the full of its bent, and not knowing it was Chuang Chou. Suddenly I awoke, and came to myself, the veritable Chuang Chou. Now I do not know whether it was then I dreamt I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. Between me and the butterfly there must be a difference. This is an instance of transformation.
--Zhuangzi


I love this poem. It's really interesting.

~memo




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 3:36 am
Kbug1997 wrote a review...



Hello,

Looking at everything that goes into a poem, such as flow, word choice and theme, everything it great! Your poem makes me feel like a little kids who is nervous about something especially but it also dose a turn and shows a more somber side, such as when something dose not feel right. I love the play on words and the deeper meaning behind your words as well. I like the format you have at the very end and would suggest including it through the rest of the poem, but that is up to you. Hope this helps!

Happy Writing!

-M.




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:15 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So this is different from your usual style, and that interests me. The structure for the first few stanzas tends to stay generally the same which is something that interests me while near the end of the poem you play around with the usage of white space. I didn't really know why you chose to use it really only then. More onto the actual poem, I liked the themes and metaphor that you used here. The invisible butterflies standing for anxiety and then the subtle spin on "butterflies in my stomach" without actually having to say that. And while it's a great concept for a poem and I like the ideas that it displays, the poem doesn't hold up with its execution.

The first stanza kicks in with us seeing the first siting of these invisible butterflies. I think that "lead-tongues" would do better as "lead-tongued" and I didn't really like how you set it up? The questions at the end of the first three stanzas don't really do anything for me and lack emotional impact. Questions can be used to be strong and to make some sort of statement but we didn't really get that with this poem. But with the ending of the poem we do get a question that's stronger than just the general "who's bad and who's good?" but it doesn't really act like a question (or you don't use a question mark anyway and I wondered why you didn't because I feel there would be more emotional impact with that last line if you had it there.

I've interpreted this poem as putting a spin on "butterflies in my stomach", but the poem doesn't really have the tone of that for me that much and I didn't really feel as much anxiety in the poem as I would have liked and that's one of the things that I think would strengthen the piece. The second stanza does better with emotional impact, but I would have liked to see more metaphor tackling feelings of anxiety or being someone's anxiety (or butterfly like you said in the poem). Good concept, but the execution needs work and I think that this would work well.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:14 am
Lumi wrote a review...



I can cut the fat from the review with you. You get my rationale by now.

First thing's first (I'm the realest) toll* is what you're looking for. You'll want to correct your grammar and syntax throughout with an editing sweep; I expect all of that to be corrected by drafts 2 - 3. Your punctuation choices are inconsistent, even between when you ask questions. Sometimes you mark, sometimes you don't. Choose a pattern and write intentionally and by that guideline.

Literally speaking, stanza three is your weakest by faaaaar, but behind that faaaar is an immediate follow of stanza two. You need to find a more impacting syntax or narrative to really give the scenarios the punch they deserve, or cut them altogether. I'd prefer not to see the latter because the widow's stanza is quite nice conceptually. The execution is just far off the mark.

And the praise you deserve: the ending is wonderful and definitely the selling point of the poem, and most certainly the reason I liked it. Even without the white space experimentation, which I do think gives a good momentum change to the query, the words given are powerful and solid.

Hope this helps,
Ty




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Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:22 pm
CarryOnMrCaulfield wrote a review...



I found this poem interesting, to say the least. Interesting is not bad though, but, in this case, is good in a unique sort of way. I have never seen a poem formatted like this, but it actually works. My only issue with this is the way in which you shape your sentences. I know that it is common in poetry, but it distracted me a bit. It is simply a pet peeve of mine, so there is nothing wrong with it at all. The only actual thing I took issue with was the lack of capitalization, but other than that, good work! I look forward to looking over more of your stuff on review day!

- Holden




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Wed Dec 28, 2016 11:09 am
WWombat wrote a review...



oooh more weird formatting. its all da rage 2day. i like da butterflies but y r day invisible? meanwhile i like the way u talk about smells wonderful n 2ho's good? dunno who is good but dis is fam. good job. however i dont like ur 4mating coz i didnt get nuttin from it. a little wasted you hear? anyway good poem n i hope you write more wiv dese feymes.





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