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The Ice that Binds Me

by Casanova


Ice covers the memories
Fire flickers underneath
Begging for the ice to melt
And for the chilled memories
To be released
But the ice stays
          freezing
Keeping warmth under at bay
Keeping hope underneath frozen
Unable to escape
Letting pin-needles strike at throats
Letting shards of ice stick in feet
Trapping all who dare stay
          captured
Fire that flickers as weak as this
Usually goes out
In a poof of smoke
But the fire flickers on
Never smoldering
Never daring to go out
Even with the ice above it
          living
Surviving only
So that one day it can escape
it's icy cage
And that one day
It can reign
On top of the ice
And to be free
Of it's frost covered chains 


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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:39 am
MoonLitTragedy wrote a review...



Hi there. Something I noticed that could be fixed or changed is that two lines in the first stanza end in “memories,” which is a bit inconsistent with the rest of the poem. I loved how there are words italicized between each stanza, and the description in the poem in amazing. My favourite stanza is the last one, because it closes the poem perfectly. This is a great poem.




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54 Reviews


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Mon Nov 21, 2016 3:08 am
StupidSoup wrote a review...



Everything about this begs a rhyme scheme. A lot of it can be cut.

Surviving only
So that one day it can escape
it's icy cage
And that one day
It can reign
On top of the ice
And to be free
Of it's frost covered chains.

This stanza, for example, is hyperbolic. You don't feasibly need everything past "...it's icy cage." You already emphasize the ice trapping the fire throughout the poem. This same method can be put towards the other stanzas. You overly stress the idea you want to portray in each stanza when a simple phrase, often a sentence you already have in there, would suffice. This poem would be a lot smoother and comprehensive if you eliminated any excess detail.

I liked the idea and the format is really nice. The poem itself just needs to be cut down a bit. After you trim the stanzas you can begin to add a meter or perhaps some symbolism rather than flat out imagery. In fact, that's my next critique.

A lot of your imagery is plain. It makes the poem feel flat and doesn't really engage the reader. Instead of so much imagery you can add similes or metaphors. Again, a rhyme scheme would also help engage the reader.

~The Stupid Lunch Item




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1080 Reviews


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Reviews: 1080

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Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:41 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review.

So you went for something else here. That's probably the first thing that I noticed and I encourage you to keep writing about new things or topics, but here's what gets me; what does it actually mean? You have some pretty images, sure, but when pretty images are on their own without any source of theme or meaning, it's like making a building out of concrete without metal bars for the concrete to latch onto or be supported by. You need a bone structure to be able to hold flesh.

Ice covers the memories
Fire flickers underneath
Begging for the ice to melt
And for the chilled memories
To be released
But the ice stays
freezing


I'm not a fan of capitalization involving all of the lines, but that's a personal preference. It makes it more confusing on when a line starts and when it ends, or makes one seem more powerful than it is, when really it's more of a follow-up line.

The imagery here didn't hit like I think it was intended to. From what I understand, the ice covers the memories of the past and the fire wants to thaw it out. A few things to cover, and the first is that as the reader we don't know if the speaker wants the ice to stay frozen or not. Some of the things that I think you missed out on are words and the power that they have. It's a mix of fire and ice, so you have the opportunity to use words like thaw, scald, defrost, singe, sear, char. All of those words are ones that would strengthen the atmosphere of the poem.

Word choice and switching that up would also help with repetition, or unintentional repetition, which is something that I noticed in this poem. Give us more than just the contrast of fire and ice in this poem, create the atmosphere. The poem lacked of creating that for me in the sense that this poem was one to be wrapped up in itself rather than having any sort of narrative or scene take place. The lack of pronouns makes the poem feel robotic. It's more of a poem about a topic, but you can fit that into the poem to make it more down-to-earth and not so much about just the topic. It's a topic poem, yes, but you can do that as well as giving human connection to it so that it gives the reader more of a chance to relate to it.

As for the theme, that was something that lacked clarity for me. I understood the first part with thawing out the memories and I think that was the strongest and has the most potential to be hard-hitting, but the rest of the poem kind of derailed from that. The last part of the poem was more about breaking free from chains which was something that I would like to see expanded on. Give us more background as to why the speaker is in chains and who or what made the chains to help develop the ideas of the poem.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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95 Reviews


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Sat Nov 19, 2016 12:31 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



This was interesting. In a good way, that is. :)
The only real problem I can see is that in a few instances, you use "it's" when you mean "its".

What I liked: I thought this poem would have a depressing and hopeless ending, which would have been okay, but I liked the semi-hopeful ending much better.
The descriptions were intense and contributed well to the poem.

I loved the idea of the headings/sections.

Overall, this was good. Above-average, even. Keep on writing!





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