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when I lay my head on one final bed of dandelions ​ (in Tennessee, no less)

by Casanova


when I hear your name
           I'm reminded of ear buds
                        hanging from a smiling mouth
             and the dandelions we
saw on the way to our
                            second date
  that made a bed for us,
                           in the field by the pier
        where we shared
our first kiss


you used to love to pick them

but yet you still do
                        (only without me)


in your absence I became
      not just friends
but lovers with the lady
                      named Scotch
who holds my heart in warm regards
(not just letting me)
                  but forcing me to think back
                                            upon better days
                    and better nights
(i wish you were here)


you led me- like a lamb to the slaughter-
                to your cotton-soft life and held me there
    it turned to concrete when my mind wandered
my prison
             (No, my Hell)


Hollywood Undead, The Cab,
                       Homestuck and Corpse Party
   things you always loved
                      I always hated them
stick to me now,
              like the way our fingers
                                        hung together the last time
             I held your hand,
tracing the outline of each knuckle
             with my thumb


"I'm an angel with a shotgun"
       
you used to sing

you were my angel
                   (you still are)
but only the one I see
                 when Ambien and Lunesta take their toll
         and you slip through the cracks
of my corroded mind


you did this
          but still yet, it was the pills 

 when I lay my head
                          on one final bed of dandelions
                                                        (in Tennessee, no less)
                           I see my angel once again
can I hold you one final time?
I want to,
              yet I want to turn away
                                                 like you did to me when my eyes were on only you.


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49 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 49

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Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:00 pm
Pernicus wrote a review...



I'll try to review the poem as best I can, since I'm a newbie at poeting don't expect anything super useful. I'll start with my favourite part of the narrative which is the internal conflict of our narrator at the end. It seems to portray the tragedy of an overdose, hung up on a recent heartbreak. Overdosing on insomnia meds in a field in Tennessee. (Which I'm not sure is a real place or a metaphor but I'll get back to that later) In the clutches of death hallucinating his ex-partner a final time but realising then that he is over her and even somewhat angry that his affections were betrayed. This last second change of spirit is tragic as it is heavily implied that this is beyond the point of return, hence him holding her a "final" time.
Back to the field with the dandelions, the first mention of it I'm fairly sure is entirely literal and meant to be taken at face value, however it does seem to be an odd location to choose to overdose for the sake of practicality and all, this lead me to believe that the second mention of the dandelions is metaphorical and there are actually none present.
I think you used dandelions as a piece of symbolism for the girl and their relationship, beautiful but fragile and temperamental, and with a faint gust of wind they are separated and carried away to begin anew.
I have a minor critique regarding the last line saying "my eyes were on only you"
I feel like a more romantic way to phrase it would be "my eyes were for only you"
As saying they are on you is sort of insinuating a stare and it gives me a stalker-ish vibe. Might just be me so don't take any of this at face value.
While it also may be stylistic I do not approve of this abundance of brackets and strike throughs, and while I get that they convey either regret or secrecy it doesn't give you a free pass for overusing them, and I feel there are more subtle ways to convey those tones.
Well I hope this has helped in any way at all, and I'll add more to the review if I spot anything else in a later re-read.




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35 Reviews

Points: 194
Reviews: 35

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Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:00 pm
SilloriaD wrote a review...



Hello. SilloriaD here with what may be an entirely unhelplful poetry review. I apologize in advance for what is about to occur.

So, let us get the nitpicky things out of the way. Some of this may be part of a stylistic choice, but I'm going to mention it anyway. First, I don't think you need both the strikethrough AND the parentheses. I personally believe that sticking to one or the other will be more impactful- I suggest the strikethrough. Secondly, I feel like, while listing the specific bands and other things that they loved was unnecessary. It makes it more personal to the author and less so for the reader.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can talk about what I enjoyed. I love the way you played with the visual presentation of the piece. The almost scattered lines, like the speaker is lost in these thoughts, really spoke to me. The moments when the lines ARE together are that much more powerful because of the distance. Even the final line being the furthest out, the finale of the whole thing, has a deeper feeling in it.

I like the return to the dandelions at the end, as it brings the whole thing full circle and changes the way the reader interprets them.

I hope this review is more helpful than I feel it is... I'd love to see more of your work!

-SilloriaD





Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe