Young Writers Society

Hi there!
I have to say that the title attracted me and I thought that I would read stuff talking about what keeps people awake in bed at night and this really shocked me.

I like the imagery. Immediately, I could picture a middle aged/old man drinking in dim light and staring at a lady outside the window. She's his love interest right?

However, at the end of the poem, I'm still not sure what it is about entirely. It feels unfinished to a large extent and I think that is something you may want to look at again.
Also "for the days of his longing have been dreary, and the days of his vigor have been long spent", I feel like you should give us a bit of backdrop to this.
Tell us why, when, who etc

Anyways, I like your choice of words a lot and the questions the poem persona is asking himself
I hope to see more of your writing,
cheers!

Hi J, here for a review.
As soon as I read the first line I immediately though "Oh crap this is gonna be another missing my ex poem" ,but you did a nice job keeping it soft and quiet.
I enjoyed the length or the poem as well some people dislike short poems but this was one of those things that could be said with fewer words.
The questions you apposed in the middle and at the end were very thought-provoking. I could see someone missing someone so much that they ask themselves this while chugging down a bottle of Scotch.
I truly love the character you have redone. I say redone because this has been done before, you just did it in a way I have never seen before.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Cas, there y'are!

This has a quiet, calm moment of emotion hidden in it. When I hear the word Scotch, I think "aw, man, another wishing for my ex poem", but it goes beyond that in a soft, quiet way.

First of all, catch yer typos: "world lift* from his" and "his eyes glance*/glanced* out" and "and then* he wondered".

Next, the phrase you choose in this line seems a little awkward:

but they only landed on the headstone across the road(and the he wondered)

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So you haven't posted poetry in awhile. May as well jump on this one while it's still in the Green Room. To be honest with you, and to be completely honest, this felt a little rushed out of your system. Almost as if you didn't let it manifest enough before you decided to write it. This is not my favorite piece from you, and I know that you can do better on this poem with revision and some refining. Let's address what made this piece sub-par, shall we? It's not all that way, because there are some lines that aren't that way, but the overarching and overall poem is that way.

The subject matter at hand is fine, and I actually found that aspect to be interesting, but what could use some work is the execution of how you handle the subject matter. The poem has no real form or structure it seems and I believe that would help it out, even if you're going back to using white space or even just a simple scheme of meter would organize these thoughts in a better way. And if none of this, a structure that supports the poem and holds it together.

I noticed that there's a lack of imagery here, which could be part of the reason why I found this to be only okay. Though at the same time, there's a different tone to it, and I like that much. That there's a different sense of word choice in this piece with weary, vigor, headstone, dreary, and I'd like to see you implement more of that in (though I have to agree with Tenyo that 'weary shoulders' is kinda cliche).

The italics don't hit me particularly hard and I think that you could rework them, but the one question out of the four that struck the most is 'can I continue to love like this?' while the others don't have that same emotional impact. I do believe that punctuation would benefit the flow of the piece, though it's up to you whether you want to use it or not. I believe you should, but I found this piece with near none, and no periods at all, so it seems as if you were pretty dead-set on writing it that way.

Overall, nice concept and atmosphere, but the piece could use some work, and I believe you can accomplish that much. The brevity of the poem works to its advantage, and I believe you should be able to stay that way. I also wanted to give a final note that I thought the title fit this well, so nice job on that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hey Casanova

So I really liked the shortness of the poem. Some people dislike short poems, but I felt the shortness really worked with this piece. Making it longer would just have made it drawn out and exaggerated.

I noticed a few grammatical errors and that confused me a bit. I couldn't tell if they were intentional or not. If they were intentional, I found they added to the hazy mindset one would feel were they in the poem's situation. Intentional or not, some of the errors were a bit distracting, especially since their intention was unclear. Besides that I didn't find much else that could be worked on.

Something I really liked was the formatting. I loved the emphasis and whisper put to the questions through italics, I loved the afterthought of him wondering added by the parenthesis, and the slow stream of consciousness built by the alliteration and lack of capitalization. Everything worked so well together to set the slow, thoughtful, melancholy tone and scene. The last two questions in particular were very thought-provoking.

Keep up the great work!

Hi Casanova!

This poem has a really nice pace to it. That slow, lethargic drunkenness comes across really well in the rhythm of it. It's an interesting choice not to capitalise any line except the first, but I think it kind of works because it enhances that slow stream of consciousness by allowing the end of one line to blur into the next.

I'd recommend adjusting the second line a bit. Feeling the weight of the world lifted from weary shoulders is a cliche, and it detracts from what is otherwise quite a unique piece.

The second to last line has a repetition of long, which stands out in a work this short. I do however adore the line itself. I imagine the time span of this to be about half an hour, but that line gives a sense of a lifetime.

Overall this is really cool. You've taken different aspects of theme, pace and language and blended them together so well. Nice work =]