i want
to hear that
beeping
music to my ears
and to feel loves
needle
piercing my skin
to be in that room
with awkward glances
and sweet giggles
and feel my
blood pressure spike
in my cardiac arrest
when I look beside me
at my dark haired beauty
in the light green chair
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139,909 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
Hey Cas! I'm going to do a short review on your poem!
I haven't been on in a while, but I love that you are getting out of the stiff rhyming patterns. They are good poems, but you executed free prose nicely. Your ideas are nicely developed.
So let's jump into it! To start, I really enjoy the visual structure of this. It flows nicely with the breaks. I do, however, encourage punctuation. Just adding commas would even out the flow of it. Small adjustment [quote] and to feel love's [quote/]. Also maybe tweaking the line [quote] and to feel my
blood pressure spike [quote/]
The ending lines [quote] at my dark haired beauty
in the light green chair [quote/] are simple. I could say to put more detail, but I think this poem is short and simple in a good way. I found the concept interesting; the way love affects us in terms of the physical and especially how it channels our focus in rough times. You could always develop it further, but I enjoy the lightness and the simplicity.
Stay rad!
Put the ending dash before saying quote, and the lack of punctuation was intentional. It's supposed to represent a heart beat monitor. Thanks for the review
Oh! I gotcha!
Wonderfully short, in my opinion. I can appreciate short poetry to break the trend from time to time.
Still, I don't really get it. These aren't song lyrics, I don't think. So is it meant to be read slowly? And what are the tab strokes for? Don't really understand those either. Not an expert on poetry by any means (I prefer prose), but it still strikes me as odd.
The flesh of the piece is rather nice. It's enjoyable to read. Still, it doesn't really tell me much to invoke an emotional reaction (or any reaction at all). Who is the patient? Is he dying? Is cardiac arrest merely a metaphor, or is it literal?
In a way, I like that it's mysterious and doesn't tell much. However, it's bordering the point where it's not telling enough either. It's hard to create a proper image of the scenario is all I'm saying. Then again, perhaps that's not the point.
Anyway! The theme's original, it's written fairly well, the rhythm is present (which can't be said for many poems, unfortunately), and most importantly, it isn't unpleasant to read!
Good work, I'd say! I'll give some of your other efforts a read.
The tab strokes signify the heart monitor I was hooked up to. And yes it's a metaphor. Thanks for the review
Oh, I see! How very interesting! I wouldn't have thought it, to be honest. Raised my opinion of your work that much more!
Loved "The Phoenix" by the way. Extraordinarily well-written indeed!
Thank you ^^