Young Writers Society

Hey there, I thought I'd take a look at this

Specifics

1. I agree with Nikayla that cutting 'your' from the first line improves the flow but I wonder if there's a different word you could use as a replacement which would build the imagery more. Perhaps 'crimping scissors'? That would have a nice alliteration with 'cut' and 'cardboard' but I'm also not sure about cardboard as an adjective. Why are people's hearts cardboard? Is that to represent how easily they can be damaged? But then why not something even easier to cut like paper? I'm also not sure about the second line since 'ones' is a very vague word - maybe girls? Or if you want to be less gender specific 'from the loves who came before'.

I'd maybe suggest re-phrasing the first two lines entirely. Something like:

You cut from them a string of paper hearts

You could then have a line with a simile or metaphor explaining more about why the you did that and then move into the next lines.

2. Rather than have blade and blades, if you went with something like I suggested above, you could now use scissors to replace the second use.

3.

my aluminum surface was too hard for you to carve your hearts out of

This line is a bit too wordy and reads more like prose than poetry. Perhaps cut out some of the excess words, like 'my aluminium surface was too hard for hearts'.

4. The same with the next line - maybe something simpler like 'and I asked you not to try' - often less is more in poetry. It will make the words flow better.

5. The last line is awkward with the capitalisation.

Overall

This is a good start! I think you need to tighten your lines up to create a stronger flow and your imagery/ choice of language is a little weak in places. Try to think longer before choosing a key word - don't always go with the first which comes to mind and explain your metaphors/ images more. At the moment this is quite bare bones and we don't know much about the two people in the poem - why is she hard hearted? Should we feel bad for the guy? Because it kind of suggests he has broken lots of hearts before so I don't?

I think there's more to this story then you're currently telling us and it would be great to see a few more of the details make it into the poem.

All the best with this!

~Heather

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! Haven't read any poetry from you lately, though it seems that you haven't been writing any. Or at least, you haven't been posting any. Without further ado, let's jump right in!

you used your scissors to cut cardboard hearts

from the ones before

yet when you pressed your blade against my hard exterior

the blades cracked from your effort

and the handles snapped from the pressure

(i never meant for this to happen)

In the first line, 'your' doesn't necessarily need to be there. We don't need to know that these are the specific scissors of the other person. Not only that, though the flow is stronger overall by the cutting of the word. The second line here is a little vague with 'from the ones before' since this leaves a lot to be asked about. Who are the ones from before? How did this other person use scissors to make cardboard hearts out of them? The metaphor there is unclear. The next four lines after that flow better than the first two, though in lines three and four you use the word 'blade' twice. The slight rhyme with 'effort' and 'pressure' is nice, though overall these first six lines are a little too vague.

Clarity is needed here for the metaphor to be more effective. The decision to leave out punctuation is one that I actually find on the more positive side for a more lenient flow here, though considering the pros and cons here is always worthwhile. Punctuation is able to guide the flow and able to teach the reader how to read the poem, though a poem without punctuation can do this as well with line breaks, taking on a more relaxed or interpretative flow.

my aluminum surface was too hard for you to carve your hearts out of

yet no matter how many times I pleaded for you not to try

you lost your mind (and, it seems, your life)

in your attempt to find love

In Me.

First of all, 'In Me' doesn't need to be capitalized since the rest of the poem doesn't use any form of capitalization. Keep it consistent, Cas. The wording in the first line here is a little odd. That I have to say is what's holding this back the most. The wording and lack of clarity. The imagery that you usually come with isn't quite here, and I'm thinking that you're a little rusty on poetry in general right now. The reader still doesn't know who the other person in the poem is. We can assume that this is a love interest of the speaker, though we don't know anyone in specific.

\Do you want to keep it vague? Do you want to go into more detail? Being more vague with this other person and the speaker lets the reader fill in the extra room of the shoes of the speaker with their own experiences. On the other hand, giving more detail can strike a stronger chord with people, though it's your choice in what you're wanting to do with this. I can see either being effective here with some polish, which is exactly what's needed here. More general polish and editing will definitely help this out in making this stronger, so I suggest doing that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.