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Southland

by Casanova


The morning sun-
a death sentence and dreaded by most, but to us,
oh but to us,
it's the sign of a different day dawning 

to hear the roosters crow and to crawl out of bed
the smell of fresh buttermilk biscuits and home cooked bacon 
                                                 fresh upon our noses 

Of course, we're  grumpy when the morning rises 
we didn't get to bed until after midnight,
                                and we'd had a hard days work beforehad
yet now we have to do it again 

I could complain about many things, 
             but when my eyes open and I see your face-
bright and beautiful on what would be otherwise a very dull day

The sun's light wraps around me, 
and I can feel its motherly warmth caressing my skin 
letting me know although she will burn me every day
I need her to survive

So I raise this longneck in solute, 
and tip my hat when she goes back down for her twin to amass me in beautiful serenity 
'for this is how I was raised, 
and this is how I'll stay
inside my own little kingdom, 
In the Southland.


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1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

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Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:10 am
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Cassie. This is Kays here dropping in for a review before bed because I have //thoughts// that I want to share on this poem even though a couple hours ago I said that I've been too dog-tired to review. This changes that I suppose but fair warning that this may not be the most coherent.

Mmm, I enjoy the execution of the concept here most. I'm not much of a fan on poems on the South because I can't particularly relate (being a gosh darn Yankee) but the execution of this is what keeps the reader on their toes and that's what kept me on my toes while reading this. A note that KayLou tackles in the review below me that there are a couple grammar mistakes running throughout though for the most part they're picked out so I won't add more to that, just reinforcement that they're there.

Moving on from that and dissecting what's so well-executed here--that's probably the imagery at the beginning of the poem that hooked me? The atmosphere is well is another aspect of this that is quite respectable. The sense of tone is swaying and for the most part, the tone, atmosphere and imagery are all comorbid of each other and all of these three elements are the strongest of the piece. However I'm not sure if I can say or give the same compliments to the theme or the structure.

While I can appreciate what you're attempting to do with the structure and I can appreciate the theme of pride of being Southern, both of these don't hit as hard as their potential says they can. The ending stanza of the piece is a little awkward in regards to diction and because of that along with other parts that set this on the wrong track. I'm imagining a train and because the lever is maneuvered by how awesome you are at the execution of the poem, we're set off track because we aren't quite there and the lever wasn't pulled quick enough.

The end of the poem is us going off of the rails and crashing and burning into the ground (that's morbid but you get the point). When I say the end of the poem I mean the last two stanzas or so because the opening three are all pretty solid. Basically, out of the poems I've read from you recently, this one is the most worth going back to and revising. Cool beans on this one, Cassie. This can be even cooler beans though.

I finished this review the next morning and so that's how I'm signing off. :p If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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21 Reviews

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Reviews: 21

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Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:07 am
KayLou1609 wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to leave a review!

Grammar
1) "and we'd had a hard days work beforehad" - should be "and we'd had a hard day's work beforehand"
2) "So I raise this longneck in solute" - I think this should be "salute"

Format
I think the line breaks are accidental, but they disrupt the flow of the poem so I'd suggest you remove them if you can. It makes the structure a little confusing. Other than that, I like how you ignore the standard poem format of regular stanzas and use a variety of different length stanzas. I think the structure is a little iffy as you mention the sun at the beginning, then return to it in stanza 3. Either continue with it in stanza 2 or return to it in the last stanza as it ruins the flow of the poem.

Imagery
There's a fair amount of imagery in this poem, but I'd suggest using more description to really paint a vivid picture for the reader. I have a slight idea of what's happening, but not enough to really imagine the scene for myself. Use the five senses and try to show, not tell where necessary. It's always best to use 'telling' for short, snappy sentences which create tension and suspense, whereas 'showing' always suits the more lengthy, descriptive lines.

Overall, I think this is a fairly good poem. You just need to go back and revise it to make it as perfect as possible. I hope my review has helped!

KayLou1609





Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality