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S.J.H 2

by Casanova


I called you tonight.  

We talked, we laugh, and we cried. 

We reminisced of how we were.  

But it wasn't the same as it was.  

And it never will be.  

It can never be the same smiling faces.

It can never return to the old melody that played within our hearts. 

It saddens me to know we can never get back the love that we once shared.  

And just yesterday I acted upon this- but I never once told you.  

I took the things in which I wasn't allowed.  

I poured them all in my hand.  

I couldn't bring myself to finish what I had wanted to start.  

I can't live without you- but I can't not live as well. 

Oh how I wish I could just hold you in my arms. 

I remember the last time I did.. you were so warm and soft. 

I miss everything there is to miss about you- and then some.  

The scars I keep hidden are proof of this.  

I just can't let you go.  

I won't let you go- no matter the cost.  

The hours I've spent torturing myself over the way it all happened..

The three months I've spent just wishing to hear your voice.  

Dying to see your face. 

Just existing so I could be with you one last time. 

 ~ 

I called you tonight. 

We talked, we laughed, and we cried.  

But in the end we hung up- never to speak again. 


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107 Reviews

Points: 400
Reviews: 107

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Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:16 pm
EverStorm wrote a review...



Hey! EverWinter here to review your poem.

This is obviously telling a sad story about the loss of a connection between two people. It is the same story that classic authors tell, and it's always going to be popular because people can relate. That's why people read poetry, so they don't have to feel alone.

I like the repeated bit at the end, that helps to reinforce the ending and show how it made the narrator (you, I'm assuming) feel.

So the first thing that I see is that your word choice is really detracting from the poem and the emotions you want to convey. An exercise that really helps with that is writing a descriptive short story on what your poem is about. Use as many details as possible and use colorful words. Then go through and pick out the best words in the story and use them in the poem. Words that have meaning and evoke emotions. (Words like passionate, alluring, glimmer, broken, destroy are all words that pack a punch) Use words that are out of the ordinary. This is a great way to improve poems and lyrics.

Next, you say "it" a lot. Identify what "it" is. And then address it as such. That way you can get rid of repetitive phrases like "It can never". Then you'll be able to use phrases that aren't so ordinary.

Also, maybe you should stop referring to "it" at all. Maybe you should refer to the change and how it impacts you. "We will never be the same" is a lot sadder than "It will never be the same" because it encourages a connection between yourself and the reader so they can empathize.

Overall, there's a great story to tell here and a sad one, but you need to focus on word choice to evoke emotions from the reader.

This is a good start and definitely can go far.




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Sat Sep 10, 2016 5:48 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



This is a huge step in the right direction. Halfway through, you revert to very simple statements again, and that's where we need to indulge more effort.

Consider studying works by Shinji Moon as she writes on very similar subject matters as you, but does so professionally with the techniques of imagery, metaphor, and veil.

As an exercise, try to write every concept in this piece (which is a decent growing piece, don't get me wrong) without involving yourself or the girl in context. No humans. No love or breakup scenario. Figure out how to put those degrees of separation between what you say and what you mean, and that will inevitably give you an understanding of how to go about practicing metaphor and allegory.

Write forward, and do remember that there are more subjects in the world than just love and loss.
Ty




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Fri Sep 09, 2016 9:22 am
LaPetitePrincess wrote a review...



I have always enjoyed reading poetry. There is a uniqueness found in poems that cannot be found in other types of literary works. Poetry is not bound by specific a certain specific format, it is all a matter of details and descriptions.

One aspect of poetry that I really enjoy is the story that is found embedded within its lines. In just a matter of a few lines, you can already create a story that is complete in itself.

As for the story you created, I felt it was bit lacking. Though the emotions of the persona were so raw – so heartfelt – I felt that you could have added more to it. What was their backstory? How did they meet? Fall in love? What made them break-up? What was it about her that created such an impact in his life that would think or feel that he could not live without her?

Grammar wise, I did not find any problem. I guess my only concern would be the use of punctuation marks.

I loved the way you repeated the first two lines in the end but changed the third line. It added emphasis to the emotions of the piece.

Aside from the unanswered questions and some punctuation errors, I really enjoyed the story. I just wish that you could have added more to it. But I enjoyed the point of view of your persona.

If you do wish to add more to it, I would have loved to read more of your work.
Hope this helped. Keep writing!

- LaPetitePrincess




Casanova says...


Please give me an example on the punctuation.



LaPetitePrincess says...


Hi! These are just few suggestions to improve the punctuation of your beautifully written piece.

"And just yesterday I acted upon this- but I never once told you." -- "And just yesterday I acted upon this -- but I never told you."

%u201CI can't live without you- but I can't not live as well.%u201D %u2013 %u201CI can%u2019t live without you %u2013 but I can%u2019t not live as well.%u201D

%u201COh how I wish I could just hold you in my arms.%u201D %u2013 %u201COh, how I wish I could just hold you in my arms.%u201D

%u201CI remember the last time I did.. you were so warm and soft.%u201D %u2013 %u201CI remember the last time I did; you were so warm and soft.%u201D

%u201CI miss everything there is to miss about you- and then some. %u201C %u2013 %u201CI miss everything there is to miss about you and then some.%u201D

%u201CI won't let you go- no matter the cost.%u201D %u2013 %u201CI won%u2019t let you go %u2013 no matter the cost.%u201D

%u201CThe hours I've spent torturing myself over the way it all happened // The three months I've spent just wishing to hear your voice // Dying to see your face.%u201D %u2013 %u201CThe hours I%u2019ve spent torturing myself over the way it all happened, // The three months I%u2019ve spent just wishing to hear your voice %u2013 // Dying to see your face.%u201D

I hope I didn%u2019t offend you or anything. Hope this helps.

Keep writing!

- LaPetitePrincess



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Fri Sep 09, 2016 9:09 am
Eros wrote a review...



Hello there Casanova!

This is Eros here to write a review for this lovely piece of poetry!

I liked the main theme of the poem. The poem is deep. I can understand the feels very nicely. For this is what we feel when the relationships go wrong. I am sorry if I misunderstood anything. But, I felt that the theme was based on some kinda ups and downs in relations.

The longing for someone is a disease equivalent to cancer.
This is shown by the lines:


The three months I've spent just wishing to hear your voice.

Dying to see your face.

Just existing so I could be with you one last time.



It is not the separation that hurts...but the memories that follows. We can not forget about the person. We miss their smiles, their each and every move, their face, their beauty, their behavior, their character...which attracted us...

The line,

I miss everything there is to miss about you


expresses this.


The times we spent together with the other person...the beautiful happy moments...the precious moments. We cannot erase from the memory.

Overall this is a beautiful poem!
I loved this very much. I like how the poem flows. It is a smooth poem.

Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such beautiful works like this one!
Have a great day/evening!
:D

DAWW!! SORRY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY REVIEW!!! :( :( :(





Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness