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Background Noise

by Casanova


you turn a song on-
you hear the main bass, the characteristically high vocals of 
your favourite female singer,
and the lead guitar that pounds out the melody 
that you remember so well.

our life reminds me of the song

our hearts beating in unison being the main bass,
followed by the serenade considered your sweet, flawless voice
and our love, which has played out so beautifully, 
so uniquely, and given me the inspiration of a million melodies...


Everything else is simply..

Background Noise.


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Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:39 am
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, Casa! Scar here to review your poetry for you! I'm a little rusty, so you'll have to forgive me!

Okay, lemme see... Well, to start with, that first line is just...weak, for me. It's very telling and, like, it just doesn't make me want to read more? I'm not sure why, but it just feels off and like not a very strong start. Maybe it's too bland? This is poetry, Casa. Use a little purple prose. XD

followed by the serenade considered your sweet, flawless voice

I think you might be missing a word or something here?

Okay, yeah. I get what you're trying to say with this poem, but it's very, well, bland. There's no real life here, no passion, no real imagery. It's a very disappointing poem to read, Casa. I've seen much more passionate poems out of you. May I suggest you rewrite this? Try weaving more imagery into it, more passion. As it is, it just ends up reading very flat.

Overall, I like what you were aiming for, but this falls well short of it. There are some parts I do like, some phrases, and I love the last line/s, but you could do so much more with it.

Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




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Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:12 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Heyo Cas! I thought I'd drop by and give you a review.

I really liked how this started out- for a love poem, it started with a really unique vibe, I think! Usually with love poems, I think people tend to dive right into the all the things that makes them or the narrator feel that way, so I thought it was really cool it started out without really any mention of love or romance or gushy feels! I also really like how it's told in the second person POV, and how you sorta make it as if you're trying to guide the reader into a distant memory- if that makes sense.

There were a couple things though that I thought could use some improvements. One of the smaller things was that I found "characteristically" quite a mouthful (even though I wasn't reading it out loud :P ). It just seems to really stall the poem as the reader tries to fumble over it. That could just be me though, as I'm known for having trouble with words!

Another thing I noticed, was that I found myself wishing that the second half of the poem was more like the first half. The beginning half of the poem was just a gentle edge into a love poem, whist the second paragraph was pretty much all love poem. I feel like this poem would be stronger if the rest of the poem was as gentle and as coaxing as the first bit- simply alluding to the love that the narrator feels so fondly about. But that's just my opinion! ^_^

The other thing I wanted to mention, is about the ending. I found it a tad on the dramatic side? It just kinda feels like the name's sake is being emphasised a little too strongly? It kinda comes across a little tacky in my opinion. What I think could help is perhaps to either remove the "..." or the spaces between those lines and the rest of those poems, or both. I think doing that would still put emphasis on the name sake, but also wouldn't come across as quite so dramatic. In any case, it's up to you! :D

Keep up the awesome writing!

-Holysocks




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Mon Dec 31, 2018 8:24 pm
Lib says...



Woah!!! I love that last sentence!

"Everything else is simply..

Background Noise."

I love your poem too too much! :D

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




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Mon Dec 31, 2018 7:41 pm
EverLight says...



Katnes here with a review
What I have to say is not meant to make your story seem bad or offend you. Be warned though you may be offended anyway.
Grammar and Punctuation
I can't find any punctuation errors good job there.
Style
I did find some things I thought could be fixed Starting with the first line
you hear the main bass, the characteristically high vocals of
your favourite female singer,
and the lead guitar that pounds out the melody
that you remember so well.
First off you misspelled favorite, secant I don't think the word characteristically adds anything to the sentence. I also would try taking out that in the last line. It would read like this

You turn on a song
you hear the main bass, the high vocals of your favorite female singer, and the lead guitar that pounds out the melody you remember so well.
can you see the difference?
Okay next portion

our life reminds me of the song

our hearts beating in unison being the main bass,
followed by the serenade considered your sweet, flawless voice
and our love, which has played out so beautifully,
so uniquely, and given me the inspiration of a million melodies...
I would rewrite that first line this way

Our hearts beating in unison, the main bass
followed by the serenade your sweet flawless voice and our love, which has played out so beautifully a the inspiration of millions of melodies . . .
Those last few lines are perfect.
Hope this helps!
Katnes




Casanova says...


"Favourite" is another way of spelling it, specifically over seas.

By,"Secant" did you mean second?

And as for offense, none taken. I welcome reviews. whether they are to my liking or not, and I know when and when not to take advice. Appreciation for the review.



Casanova says...


"Favourite" is another way of spelling it, specifically over seas.

By,"Secant" did you mean second?

And as for offense, none taken. I welcome reviews. whether they are to my liking or not, and I know when and when not to take advice. Appreciation for the review.




a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn