z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

when i look at her i see you

by Casanova


"Matthew! How was your day?" 

     Ah, the phrase that starts the ever turning wheels in my corroded mind. How is it once these words are spoken my mind free falls in a state of reverse, and instead of her lips on mine, and her voice whispering in my ear, it's yours? Her hands, cold, always shivering up to me for warmth, yet yours are warm and tender(I was the one huddling, then.)
      
"I love you, Matthew." 

     Only two people in my life have continuously called me by my full first name. It's sweet, as I usually prefer Matt, but when she says it- no, when I see you through her, and I can hear you say it- I don't mind so much, as if a Siren calling upon me in the dead of night, using all of my secret wants and desires to lure me in to stay.

"I want to marry you, Matthew." 

     I've heard this too many times in my life, and most people say it in the rush of the moment. But when she sa- No, YOU, when YOU say it- I don't mind, and I know the feeling is mutual. Like two Phoenixs nesting, sharing their bed together, slumbering blissfully together, wings intertwine. I could slumber for ever, if only it was actually you beside me, instead of her.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
176 Reviews

Points: 1983
Reviews: 176

Donate
Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:49 am
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a late night review!

Firstly, I lied. It's not late at night. Secondly, awesome poem! It had an interesting style, one which I don't think I've ever seen before. On to the review!

The message of this poem is one I'm not particularly fond of, I admit. Generally speaking, I find poetry about relationship issues to be redundant and overused. (Still, I'm sorry if this is based on true events. :() Despite me personally not liking the theme, I still appreciated the poem as a whole. After all, it was a very well written poem, and it had some amazing strong points.

I am a huge fan of the strange but cool rhythm. It goes from poetry to prose, back to poetry, back to prose. It's an interesting style that I don't think I've seen before, and a unique poem is always infinitely better. I wouldn't think to write poetry like this, since it doesn't fit the mental image of poetry most people have, including myself. It's a beautiful idea nonetheless. *thumbs up*

I also really love how this piece is formatting. Oh golly jee whiz, a formatted poem. I see enough giant blocks of text without stanzas labelled under poetry, so it's definitely refreshing to see some with. That's not to say the other poems are bad for their lack of stanzas, but a poem with is much better than without. It shows the poet is experienced, and has thought out their piece thoroughly, something I could tell you definitely did. Bravo!

Overall, great job! Keep up the great work, because I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




User avatar


Points: 100
Reviews: 1

Donate
Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:33 pm
missjacksons says...



This is wonderful! I really love the structure and the way you back shadow. You're descriptions are creative and spot-on. It's the perfect length and I really enjoyed reading. Keep up the good work!

~ Cara




User avatar
109 Reviews

Points: 7831
Reviews: 109

Donate
Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:24 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey, AJ here for a quick review!
Ah, love problems. Never fear, because the love expert is here. As I always like to say, "Love is like cement; it's hard and takes time to set." Anyway, onto the piece....

I like the way this is set up! I can hear these thoughts going through the guy's brain as this girl is talking. I feel like you could add a stanza though. Perhaps something about the girl talking about being tired or sick. I dunno, that's just what's in my brain currently.

A couple things to point out:

- "How is it once these words are spoken my mind free falls in a state of reverse, and instead of her lips on mine, and her voice whispering in my ear, it's yours?" This line was a bit too long and confusing. I would split it into two sentences, so like "How is it... state of reverse? Instead of her lips on mine and her sweet voice whispering in my ear, it's yours instead."

- "Her hands, cold, always shivering up to me for warmth, yet yours are warm and tender(I was the one huddling, then.) " This line seems off too. I think it might sound better with "Her cold hands and body, always shivering up to me for warmth"

Overall, I think this piece! It's short, but there's a good deal of underlying thought in it. Fabulous work.

Keep on writing, and Happy RevMo!

-AJ





Who knew Kansas City had its own branch of the Yakuza?
— Jason Sudeikis