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Supernovae

by Casanova


the nursery 
holds three rooms 

one for the giants 
that will soon turn red 
growing until they collapse 
crushing everything
eventually swallowing everything whole 

another for the giants twin 
that also turns red 
but does not collapse 
but grows smaller 
until it's a small twinkle in the sky 

the last is for the center 
the one we all know 
it shines bright amidst the day 
steadily growing 
like its brethren it turns red
but it doesn't end 

the dwarfs compete against one another 
in the playroom 
seeing which one can become brighter 
the white ones always win 
or so the other of colour think 

they compete while the planets watch and laugh 
only the biggest and brightest will be seen in their eyes 

the giants in their room 
stand tall above the rest 
in the planets eyes 
they are the brightest 
and they are the ones who dictate the lives
of all the others 

but it's known once the giant collapses
everyone is thrown in chaos
their worlds crumbling beneath them
in the black hole that sucks you in  


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Sat Jul 07, 2018 4:43 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem that I understand as an extended metaphor that uses planets and stars in various stages of their life-cycle to symbolize human society and its social stratification or power hierarchy.




Good choice of imagery. I like how these heavenly bodies are personified and granted motives and human emotions. Also like how the term "brightness" is used to indicate their relative social positions. The brightest among them dictate how the others will fair.

A black hole is mentioned at the end which results in an apocalyptic scenario where all as sucked in. This could be a reference to how people in powerful positions have the fate of humanity at their fingertips. All that is needed is an order from those brilliant humans who seemingly outshine us all ad the while world can suddenly go into the darkness of oblivion.

The statement:

"The white ones always win, or so the colored ones think" is a good illustration of just how this scenario really represents our society where skin color is a very serious issue and where those who are not in power tend to see those who are in control.

[b]Suggestions[b]

I think that punctuation will make reading smoother.

[T]he nursery
holds three rooms[,]

one for the giants
that will soon turn red
growing until they collapse[,]
crushing everything[,]
eventually swallowing everything whole[,]

another for the giants twin
that also turns red
but does not collapse
but grows smaller
until it [becomes] a small twinkle in the sky[.]

[T]he last is for the center[,]
the one we all know[.]
[I]t shines bright amidst the day
steadily growing[.]
[L]ike its brethren it turns red
but it doesn't end[.]

[T]he dwarfs compete against one another
in the playroom[,]
seeing which one can become brighter[.]
[T]he white ones always win[,]
or so the other of colour think[.]

[T]hey compete while the planets watch and laugh[.]
[O]nly the biggest and brightest will be seen in their eyes

[T]he giants in their room
stand tall above the rest[.]
[I]n the planets eyes
they are the brightest
and they are the ones who dictate the lives
of all the others[.]

[B]ut it's known once the giant collapses
everyone is thrown [into] chaos[,]
their worlds crumbling beneath them
in the black hole that sucks you in[.]




. . . . another for the giants['] twin[s] . . . .




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Thu Dec 01, 2016 11:30 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review.

There's a thing called subtly, you know. That's one of the big problems I had with this poem, which is that you spell everything out in terms of supernovas and white dwarf stars as well as the stanza about the supernova. Trust in the readers to get references, and if they don't, they don't. It's their part of the poem where they get to interpret the poem, whether it's what you originally intended or not. Don't know why you didn't use punctuation in this poem but I didn't really care for the lack of it other than I thought there were places that punctuation would have done good to make the lines stronger and to smoothen out the flow. Punctuation is a different thing than capitalization in that the capitalization is something that gives the poem more of a quiet tone and is positively used here.

Instead of telling us the definitions of what supernovas and white dwarfs do in poetic form, give us something more than that because it seemed to take up a lot of the poem and made this lacking of an emotional connection. The reader doesn't have a reason to care about the poem, so give us one. I wanted to know more of how this poem related to some sort of theme, because I found it hard to interpret other than that it's a poem about supernovas and black holes.

Don't make things that obvious, for one, and two, give us a personal connection or reason to care. Using the speaker and some lines that use "i" are great for that because without them the poem starts to feel robotic. Who is the speaker in this situation and how do they relate to all of this? With the ending, I was wanting more of a helpless to it and pure emotion with the black hole. Are these metaphors for something, or is this all literal? The reader doesn't really know.

Finally, the imagery here didn't really impress me especially since I've seen you do better than just describing the color of things and their size. Give us a more emotional description than that and give us sensory details that immerse the readers inside the poem. Put emphasis and try and focus more on that.

For the title, I was wondering whether or not the first stanza had to do with the title of the poem or if that was just something that I picked up on. The whole nursery thing and the title being supernovae like lavae or if that was just something that I had thought out. The ending of the poem was a little confusing because it switches to "you" instead of "I" and that was something that needed more clarity for me.

Punch us in the face and then tell us that you love us.




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Thu Dec 01, 2016 11:30 am
PusheenTheCat wrote a review...



First off I would like to say that I am really happy for you getting your 6th star, I don't know how you did it but I am really impressed with what you did. First I would like to say that you are a really good writer and that you could go places because your vocabulary is so impressive that I could never beat that. Also I would like to say that this was a really confusing poem, but that is what I like about these types of poems that they make some scene but not a lot. I would also like to say that I liked the way you stated "' The first room was were the biggest giant lived but after a few days or so they would begin to swallow things whole"' this is what I never got about the poem everything else about it is really good I get the other two rooms but I don't get this one. If you could tell me after this review please tell me what this is about because I really want to understand what you are talking about in your story's. One other thing that I really liked about this is that when you said "'the dwarfs compete against one another in the playroom seeing which one can become brighter the white ones always win or so the other of colour think"' I really didn't know what you were talking about here but I really liked it because it made some scene but still crazy which is what I like about you. One other thing that I would like to say is that when you start you don't start with a capitol letter which makes the poem go a bit slower so that you could understand it a bit more. Thanks for writing this and keep writing I will be back for some more reviews if you keep writing.

Yours, PusheenTheCat




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Thu Dec 01, 2016 11:08 am
Rosy234 wrote a review...



Hi, here with a review. I really liked the language and the vocabulary you've used. It was filled with imagery and I really enjoyed it. I like how you've ended the whole poem. When you didn't end with a full stop or start with a capitol letter, it gives the poem a sense of slow, which I really like. I didn't really understand what the poem was about. Overall, I really liked it and keep writing!

~Rosy234





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