Young Writers Society

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem that I understand as an extended metaphor that uses planets and stars in various stages of their life-cycle to symbolize human society and its social stratification or power hierarchy.

Social Stratification
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stratification

Extended Metaphor
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/extended-metaphor

This is Kaos here for a review.

There's a thing called subtly, you know. That's one of the big problems I had with this poem, which is that you spell everything out in terms of supernovas and white dwarf stars as well as the stanza about the supernova. Trust in the readers to get references, and if they don't, they don't. It's their part of the poem where they get to interpret the poem, whether it's what you originally intended or not. Don't know why you didn't use punctuation in this poem but I didn't really care for the lack of it other than I thought there were places that punctuation would have done good to make the lines stronger and to smoothen out the flow. Punctuation is a different thing than capitalization in that the capitalization is something that gives the poem more of a quiet tone and is positively used here.

Instead of telling us the definitions of what supernovas and white dwarfs do in poetic form, give us something more than that because it seemed to take up a lot of the poem and made this lacking of an emotional connection. The reader doesn't have a reason to care about the poem, so give us one. I wanted to know more of how this poem related to some sort of theme, because I found it hard to interpret other than that it's a poem about supernovas and black holes.

Don't make things that obvious, for one, and two, give us a personal connection or reason to care. Using the speaker and some lines that use "i" are great for that because without them the poem starts to feel robotic. Who is the speaker in this situation and how do they relate to all of this? With the ending, I was wanting more of a helpless to it and pure emotion with the black hole. Are these metaphors for something, or is this all literal? The reader doesn't really know.

Finally, the imagery here didn't really impress me especially since I've seen you do better than just describing the color of things and their size. Give us a more emotional description than that and give us sensory details that immerse the readers inside the poem. Put emphasis and try and focus more on that.

For the title, I was wondering whether or not the first stanza had to do with the title of the poem or if that was just something that I picked up on. The whole nursery thing and the title being supernovae like lavae or if that was just something that I had thought out. The ending of the poem was a little confusing because it switches to "you" instead of "I" and that was something that needed more clarity for me.

Punch us in the face and then tell us that you love us.

First off I would like to say that I am really happy for you getting your 6th star, I don't know how you did it but I am really impressed with what you did. First I would like to say that you are a really good writer and that you could go places because your vocabulary is so impressive that I could never beat that. Also I would like to say that this was a really confusing poem, but that is what I like about these types of poems that they make some scene but not a lot. I would also like to say that I liked the way you stated "' The first room was were the biggest giant lived but after a few days or so they would begin to swallow things whole"' this is what I never got about the poem everything else about it is really good I get the other two rooms but I don't get this one. If you could tell me after this review please tell me what this is about because I really want to understand what you are talking about in your story's. One other thing that I really liked about this is that when you said "'the dwarfs compete against one another in the playroom seeing which one can become brighter the white ones always win or so the other of colour think"' I really didn't know what you were talking about here but I really liked it because it made some scene but still crazy which is what I like about you. One other thing that I would like to say is that when you start you don't start with a capitol letter which makes the poem go a bit slower so that you could understand it a bit more. Thanks for writing this and keep writing I will be back for some more reviews if you keep writing.

Yours, PusheenTheCat

Hi, here with a review. I really liked the language and the vocabulary you've used. It was filled with imagery and I really enjoyed it. I like how you've ended the whole poem. When you didn't end with a full stop or start with a capitol letter, it gives the poem a sense of slow, which I really like. I didn't really understand what the poem was about. Overall, I really liked it and keep writing!

~Rosy234