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The red dress

by Casanova


You put it on- and with a shake of your hips-
asked me if I thought it looked okay

brown stars mingled with delight above blossomed roses
and you always think of yourself as a trash pit for all to throw their woes onto

"I'm not cute! I'm not pretty! I'm disgusting!"
the three sentence that make me wonder-
who has hurt you in that way?

that took your soft hands and crushed them
instead of gently hold them the way I try(yet after a minute you always shy away)


when you look behind you for a minute- always thinking someone's there-
my blood rises for a moment,
always wishing the demond in your closet would come out with me around
so I could box them up and tape the lid
and send them to Panama(the only place you say you'll never go to)


you put it on- and with a shake of your hips-
asked me if I thought it looked okay
I just smiled and nodded, taking your hand
and kissed you before leading the way 


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2631 Reviews

Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

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Wed May 24, 2017 7:25 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello fellow Knight! I'm going to start with some general observations as I read through and then I'll give overall thoughts at the end. I could do it the other way around but that might be a bit chaotic!

Specifics

1. I think put it on could be more interesting - how did she put it on? Did she shrug into it, slide into it, wriggle into it? The choice of verb can help give us an idea of whether she's confident or nervous. Did she sneak it over her head?

2.

brown stars mingled with delight above blossomed roses
I'm not sure mingled is the right word - it's a little clunky. Maybe 'brown stars delighted above blossomed roses'.

3.
and you always think of yourself as a trash pit for all to throw their woes onto
This should be but instead of and because it's not a continuation of the previous line but rather a contradiction to the persona's admiration.

4.
thatwho took your soft hands and crushed them
instead of gently hold[color-=red]ing[/color] them the way I try(yet after a minute you always shy away)
You're missing a space before the brackets.

5. You have after a minute and then for a minute and then for a moment. These lines don't add anything. Maybe try a simile instead for at least one of them, like 'my blood rises like a shark scenting blood'.

6,
always wishing the demond demons in your closet would come out with me around


7.
and send them to Panama(the only place you say you'll never go to)
You're missing a space again and maybe this should be 'the only place you never want to see'?

Overall

This is a very sweet poem! I think your theme is strong and the emotions are clear but you have some run on lines in the middle that read more like prose than poetry. Bringing the flow in a bit and adding some more imagery could really help to make this that bit punchier. It's a great start though, thanks for the read!

All the best,

~Heather




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305 Reviews

Points: 431
Reviews: 305

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Tue May 23, 2017 12:36 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...



AUGH I LOVED THIS! The reliability, yesss.

I digress, Kat here for a substantial review. I am a sucker for framing and you did it perfectly, I loved how you tweaked it a little bit to close it more solidly. As a 17 year old girl who is constantly told they are "pretty, cute" and who always replies no "I'm disgusting" I really enjoyed this poem. It was like a glimpse into the minds of those who love me, particularly the more intimate ones. It shows how sometimes, it's hard to understand why people hate themselves and how to help them see how beautiful they are. I feel trapped and suffocated by my own self-loathing and I know that the people who care for me feel lost as to how to save me from my demons (by the way you wrote demond instead of demon(s)). I liked how free flowing your poem is and the careful use of syntax, normally this would detract from the substance but I think you executed it quote well. What I think would be interesting is to do another edition to this from the girls perspective and maybe have it end with how her relationship with this fellow has changed her? That's just a suggestion for something I think you could do wonderfully with.





Alexa, are there European frat boys
— Carina