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The Phoenix

by Casanova


With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile.

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret.

With every cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix.

fusing, harshly, creating a deadly poison.
weaving, steadily, into the twine of sin.

a phoenix- young, vibrant and kind raises from the ash. sweat, blood, tears spilling from it's cold,
hallowed eyes. two steps, never one, and a quick glance to the past. always looking for the right
place, the time. to re-burn itself. to rebuild. taking to cuts, to burns, to misery until it is no more.
intentionally igniting its' own world.

With another match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile

with another cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix

the once young phoenix- dreary from it's days under the sun- remains inflamed. hour after hour, day after day, night after night, waiting for the flames to die down. waiting for the time it can set itself free- to be in it's ashes and to never leave. Yet the flame continues, and another match is struck, and another cut is made.

With another match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile

With another cut that is made
more blood is added to the mix

A phoenix- now old and worn- drowns in its' sea of ashes and blood. it struggles to find a rope to pull since its' wings are useless and torn. without any light, its' task is impossible. it continues to drown, beginning to lose consciousness. one weary gaze, one last breath, one final goodbye, and the phoenix goes under. expecting this to be its final ignite. expecting this to be its final battle. expecting this to be its final time.

With the last match that strikes
the last ashes are added to the pile

With the last cut that's made
the last ounce of blood is added to the mix


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 10:00 pm
Mathy wrote a review...



Hi, ZeldaIsShiek here to review your poetry and put a stop to the wicked Werewolves' plans! May the Witches rein supreme! I am also here to critique your work to make you and your writing better as a result. I am really excited to review this poem because it seems bother very vibrant and very depressing at the same time. The phoenix rose from the ashes anew and continued to deal with its problems, even after it died! It was destroyed again and again and kept reincarnating, but eventually, it died. This is why this poem is depressing, yet amazing Ready? Let's begin.

I really love the vibrant imagery in this poem, and how it is so happy, yet so depressing. It starts out happy, because the cuts and the depression turns into a pile of ashes, which rebirths the poet into a beautiful Phoenix of color and vigor. However, this beautiful Phoenix turns into ashes again by the same problems. It rises once more, only to be confronted by the same demons that killed it both times. This is the sad part of the poem. That is why I really love it; because it is so sad and so exciting at the same time! I am a Mythology nut, so naturally I liked this poem. I was not expecting the phoenix to die at all! I was expecting it to revive infinitely until its problems went away! I guess that's just life; you can't always win.

-ZeldaIsShiek




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Fri Dec 02, 2016 2:03 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Casanova. I'm going to try and sound not so _____ during this review. I was just going through some stuff yesterday and taking it out on my reviews. Not that I'm going to rewrite them, just telling you the reason.

~One thing that I'm beginning to like about these poems, is that I'm arriving here so late. Not just because I get to be lazy and not type as much as I normally do but it gives me more time with the meanings and the symbolism and all the poetry crap. Usually I'm blind sided by complaining about methods and styles, I rarely study the actual meanings of the poems. And I usually judge your poems without actually reading them because I know your style and subjects.

~You said this one doesn't fit in with the previous ones and I can agree with you. The patterns and the formatting says to me this was an in-between poem when you had started to experiment with your style a bit. I personally like this one a bit more than your previous and future ones because it rings more with my own.

~Now that we're back on track after that trip into my nicer comments, let's talk about the first set of lines. You've heard the old first line speech before and I really don't feel like explaining it again, so it's not happening.

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile.

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret.

1. I'm pretty much going to try and figure out the entire poem from here because I only have five minutes left to review and that's usually all it takes me to do first lines. You talk about this poem being the cycle of the phoenix, most likely referring to actual human events as the death and rebirth of the phoenix.
2. You open mid-cycle which the previous reviewers sort of complained about but you're really near the end of it. 'more ashes are added to the pile' hints that the bird/you has already died for the first time and the cycle is beginning again. It's not like it was a sitting halfway in between actions thing, it was more death living death. And I think it's better to open up to the death scene rather than rebirth. It sounds like a better way to grip readers than opening happy and then crushing all of their good emotions. Just let them know it's depressing to begin with.

~And this is unfortunately where my review has to stop because of the new system. I think I got most of my comments in and the other poetry people below, covered all of the serious things. The time is now 8:02:30 so I think I'll be on my way. If you have anything to say about this review, you know where to find me.
Have a nice day.
~Lizz




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Mon Oct 03, 2016 2:22 pm
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DivergentDemigod says...



Phoenix? I'm impressed ;)




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Sun Oct 02, 2016 9:49 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Progress.

I've attempted reads with both the opening provided and while opening at the first narration, and I believe you have no need for the first four couplets. The two that aren't refrains later on--I appreciate them more only because they're not refrains later on, but using them as a preface to a narrative that needs context and lore is risky and prone to failure.

Your images are stronger. You've expanded the senses a small bit. I appreciate it.

I'm just struggling so much to understand the need for the refraining couplets. They're made separate by formatting, capitalization, and style, and because of that you are functionally switching tones and beats mid-stream, mid-stream, mid-stream.

Don't misunderstand: I understand that the phoenix has been reborn each time. I understand that we are experiencing his cycle; however, I believe it would be worth more space (in experimentation, at least) to give us newer moments in the phoenix's life between the narratives. After all, the couplets are taking up years of his life. Make them count.

Finally, there's some praise and some questioning to be had regarding the use of the phoenix symbolism in and of itself. Lovely bird, the thing, symbolizing hope and renewal and endurance despite the trial. But you've flipped that. Point. However, by round two the progression of the narrative became predictable. All in all, though, your images were more robust and your ideas are maturing.

By the by, you managed to write about human suffering without mentioning humans or explicit suffering. Point.

Ty




Casanova says...


I did switch styles with the couplets- but that was intentional. And the repetition was needed as well- for the couplets are the main thing of the poem- which is what I wanted.



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Sun Oct 02, 2016 9:21 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So it seems like you've been experimenting more with the imagery aspect of poetry, and slowly it seems like you're progressing. In my opinion, I sort of felt like this was a step back from your last poem "when the snowflakes start to fall".

But, this is experimentation, so trial and error will be made.

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile.

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret.


This is a sort of awkward start to the poem, as it starts in the middle of a thought, almost, or comes across that way. There are a lot of things that I want to ask here of why you chose it, like the "mountain of pain" or "world of regret" seem a little without meaning. This is my main problem with the poem, that there wasn't really a direction for the theme of the poem, which there was wasted potential on because with a phoenix, they turn to ashes and then come back to life /from those ashes/ which I think you could have made into some sort of message but that didn't really happen.

With every cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix.

fusing, harshly, creating a deadly poison.
weaving, steadily, into the twine of sin.


So I realize that there's a sort of pattern with the second set of lines here with the adjectives describing the deadly poison and twine of sin. I found this more to be good vocabulary practice rather than good writing. Now that you're using strong describing words, you have to more-so carefully place them rather than listing them. It wasn't bad, but you don't want to be doing listing of what the thing is like the whole time. I liked the imagery that you imbued, but what does it mean? You can still have paragraph poetry have some sort of meaning that's there that still gives us room to interpret what the poem's about, but when you don't even have a path of the general themes of the poem or what you're trying to get across.

he once young phoenix- dreary from it's days under the sun- remains inflamed. hour after hour, day after day, night after night, waiting for the flames to die down. waiting for the time it can set itself free- to be in it's ashes and to never leave. Yet the flame continues, and another match is struck, and another cut is made.


This stanza kind of dragged on too long for me, kind of repeating the same thing, it'd work in moderation, and if you took out the "night after night" I feel like the poem would flow better overall, which, I feel like is a strength that was sort of abandoned here. Some of the imagery comes in chunks and other parts of it come in more smoothly.

So you chose to go without capitalization in the poem, but with the style, I honestly think it would benefit with capitalization. I see a poem without capitalization not having it for a better affect. Some lines you choose to capitalize, some you don't, I suggest capitalizing for this poem as it doesn't really feel like it needs to feel smaller or quieter. It just feels messy where you have places where you do and then other places where you don't and my thoughts on capitalizing things in the poem is that--does it give off an effect or not.

With another match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile

With another cut that is made
more blood is added to the mix


I actually enjoyed the sort of subtle usage of these four lines again in between the two main stanzas that are here, but since it's the middle, I felt you could change the wording of this to make it so that the "more ashes" and "more blood" was here, and in the first usage of this, you could use "first ashes" and "first blood", especially since "first blood" sounds good.

A phoenix- now old and worn- drowns in its' sea of ashes and blood. it struggles to find a rope to pull since its' wings are useless and torn. without any light, its' task is impossible. it continues to drown, beginning to lose consciousness. one weary gaze, one last breath, one final goodbye, and the phoenix goes under. expecting this to be its final ignite. expecting this to be its final battle. expecting this to be its final time.


This was probably my least favorite part of the poem as it kind of felt general instead of going into more detail. HERE is where I wanted to see something about the phoenix being reborn before the poem ends off. The whole thought of the phoenix turning to dust each time and being reborn is something where you could make the phoenix turn to dust at the end for one more time and the wind blowing it away, which I think is an interesting way to end the poem and end concept instead of some large battle instead. The repetitiveness in this stanza didn't really mix well with me and I felt as if you could have had some more precise details here instead of like, the messy imagery that's all over the place.


With the last match that strikes
the last ashes are added to the pile

With the last cut that's made
the last ounce of blood is added to the mix


This repeating stanza ends off predictably but nicely as it does have a beginning, middle, and end, though I would have liked to see some more variation in it overall and the end could have possibly been the place for it to twist into something else.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




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Sun Oct 02, 2016 5:20 pm
RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hey there cas I'm here to review.

So as I know this is prose poetry I have some tips that I hope you can find useful.


1) (this only counts for the parts in italics) Even if this is mostly prose it does have elements of poetry in it so try to still follow some general criteria such as syllables. No need for rhyme however, and also the couplet lines do not necessarily have to have the same number of syllables but the lines themselves should at least match. eg

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile. (the syllables here are 6 in the first line and 9 in the second)

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret. (here the first is 13 the second is 14)

With every cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix.

fusing, harshly, creating a deadly poison.
weaving, steadily, into the twine of sin.
What I'm saying is at least make the first and second line match but there is no need for the other couple line to match that same syllable count as the first couple lines.

2) You missed a lot of capital letters when needed xD read it through one more time and give it a small edit.

Overall I loved the poem and I like the effectiveness of prose poetry I suggest you continue doing more of these as they are really good with flow and expression of ideas.

~RS




Casanova says...


Syllables wasn't much of a concern. I'm dealing with imagery- not sticking to stanzapoetry.
The non capitalized letters were intentional. Thanks for your review



RadiantShadow says...


Oh ok! cool thx!




I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken