Young Writers Society

Hi, ZeldaIsShiek here to review your poetry and put a stop to the wicked Werewolves' plans! May the Witches rein supreme! I am also here to critique your work to make you and your writing better as a result. I am really excited to review this poem because it seems bother very vibrant and very depressing at the same time. The phoenix rose from the ashes anew and continued to deal with its problems, even after it died! It was destroyed again and again and kept reincarnating, but eventually, it died. This is why this poem is depressing, yet amazing Ready? Let's begin.

I really love the vibrant imagery in this poem, and how it is so happy, yet so depressing. It starts out happy, because the cuts and the depression turns into a pile of ashes, which rebirths the poet into a beautiful Phoenix of color and vigor. However, this beautiful Phoenix turns into ashes again by the same problems. It rises once more, only to be confronted by the same demons that killed it both times. This is the sad part of the poem. That is why I really love it; because it is so sad and so exciting at the same time! I am a Mythology nut, so naturally I liked this poem. I was not expecting the phoenix to die at all! I was expecting it to revive infinitely until its problems went away! I guess that's just life; you can't always win.

-ZeldaIsShiek

Hey there Casanova. I'm going to try and sound not so _____ during this review. I was just going through some stuff yesterday and taking it out on my reviews. Not that I'm going to rewrite them, just telling you the reason.

~One thing that I'm beginning to like about these poems, is that I'm arriving here so late. Not just because I get to be lazy and not type as much as I normally do but it gives me more time with the meanings and the symbolism and all the poetry crap. Usually I'm blind sided by complaining about methods and styles, I rarely study the actual meanings of the poems. And I usually judge your poems without actually reading them because I know your style and subjects.

~You said this one doesn't fit in with the previous ones and I can agree with you. The patterns and the formatting says to me this was an in-between poem when you had started to experiment with your style a bit. I personally like this one a bit more than your previous and future ones because it rings more with my own.

~Now that we're back on track after that trip into my nicer comments, let's talk about the first set of lines. You've heard the old first line speech before and I really don't feel like explaining it again, so it's not happening.

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile.

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret.

Phoenix? I'm impressed

Progress.

I've attempted reads with both the opening provided and while opening at the first narration, and I believe you have no need for the first four couplets. The two that aren't refrains later on--I appreciate them more only because they're not refrains later on, but using them as a preface to a narrative that needs context and lore is risky and prone to failure.

Your images are stronger. You've expanded the senses a small bit. I appreciate it.

I'm just struggling so much to understand the need for the refraining couplets. They're made separate by formatting, capitalization, and style, and because of that you are functionally switching tones and beats mid-stream, mid-stream, mid-stream.

Don't misunderstand: I understand that the phoenix has been reborn each time. I understand that we are experiencing his cycle; however, I believe it would be worth more space (in experimentation, at least) to give us newer moments in the phoenix's life between the narratives. After all, the couplets are taking up years of his life. Make them count.

Finally, there's some praise and some questioning to be had regarding the use of the phoenix symbolism in and of itself. Lovely bird, the thing, symbolizing hope and renewal and endurance despite the trial. But you've flipped that. Point. However, by round two the progression of the narrative became predictable. All in all, though, your images were more robust and your ideas are maturing.

By the by, you managed to write about human suffering without mentioning humans or explicit suffering. Point.

Ty

This is Kaos here for a review!

So it seems like you've been experimenting more with the imagery aspect of poetry, and slowly it seems like you're progressing. In my opinion, I sort of felt like this was a step back from your last poem "when the snowflakes start to fall".

But, this is experimentation, so trial and error will be made.

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile.

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret.

With every cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix.

fusing, harshly, creating a deadly poison.
weaving, steadily, into the twine of sin.

he once young phoenix- dreary from it's days under the sun- remains inflamed. hour after hour, day after day, night after night, waiting for the flames to die down. waiting for the time it can set itself free- to be in it's ashes and to never leave. Yet the flame continues, and another match is struck, and another cut is made.

With another match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile

With another cut that is made
more blood is added to the mix

A phoenix- now old and worn- drowns in its' sea of ashes and blood. it struggles to find a rope to pull since its' wings are useless and torn. without any light, its' task is impossible. it continues to drown, beginning to lose consciousness. one weary gaze, one last breath, one final goodbye, and the phoenix goes under. expecting this to be its final ignite. expecting this to be its final battle. expecting this to be its final time.

With the last match that strikes
the last ashes are added to the pile

With the last cut that's made
the last ounce of blood is added to the mix

Hey there cas I'm here to review.

So as I know this is prose poetry I have some tips that I hope you can find useful.


1) (this only counts for the parts in italics) Even if this is mostly prose it does have elements of poetry in it so try to still follow some general criteria such as syllables. No need for rhyme however, and also the couplet lines do not necessarily have to have the same number of syllables but the lines themselves should at least match. eg

With every match that strikes
more ashes are added to the pile. (the syllables here are 6 in the first line and 9 in the second)

building, slowly, churning into a mountain of pain.
sparking, lightly, inflaming into a world of regret. (here the first is 13 the second is 14)

With every cut that's made
more blood is added to the mix.

fusing, harshly, creating a deadly poison.
weaving, steadily, into the twine of sin.