• Home

Young Writers Society

E - Everyone

i thought a shooting star

by Casanova

i thought i saw a shooting star 

so i bowed my head and wished upon it 

and i looked upon my phone 

where your messages still said 

they were unread 

and our calls remained in the past 

i thought i saw a shooting star 

so i looked above yet the sun hadn't moved 

and no car parked outside my driveway 

i thought i saw a shooting star 

until i realized it was just the neighbors 

flicking cigarette butts out their window 

Is this a review?



User avatar
54 Reviews

Points: 524
Reviews: 54

Sat Jan 06, 2018 2:10 am
View Likes
StupidSoup says...

Very nice, a great start. However, the poem feels like a draft rather than a finished product. Memories like hurt and depression have a lot more to them than imagery. Adding in sounds and symbols, thoughts the character thinks, emotions, etc can really add conviction to your writing.

Keep up the good work.

User avatar
8 Reviews

Points: 75
Reviews: 8

Fri Jan 05, 2018 4:58 pm
TysonJames wrote a review...

First of all, I would like to appreciate your immense dedication in writing this poem(if I m right). In my personal opinion, your poem has revealed the gap between nature and human made commodities.
" and i looked upon my phone

where your messages still said

they were unread

and our calls remained in the past"
These lines depict the increasing inclination of today's youth towards technology and ignorance of mother nature. Due to the increased amount of stuff available online, today's generation has preferred to ignore the beauty of nature.
"until i realized it was just the neighbors

flicking cigarette butts out their window "
These lines imo, are like a slap in the face. We humans are so much devoted to worldly pleasures, addictions that they themselves have become 'nature' for us.

Opinions apart, now I shall suggest one improvement(which you may ignore since i m a rookie atm)
Whenever you repeat the main lines of the poem, you should make sure that you have enough imagination to fill in between 2 repeated lines.For eg, after the first line, you have added 5 lines, which are like a punch in the face. You could do the same after the first repetition of the inaugural line.(as far as I hav read poems). Otherwise, well written, has the ability to make one realise the importance of nature.
Please correct me if I have wrongly interpreted the poem.

User avatar

Points: 216
Reviews: 4

Thu Jan 04, 2018 2:26 am
CookofCuteness wrote a review...

So if I am correct, this is a poem about either a break up or long distance relationship gone sour. I’m not a poetry expert, but I think in a traditional poem, each line is supposed to be capitalized as if it were another sentence, and this one wasn’t capitalized at all. There is also no indications of stanza beginnings or ends. Other than that, this story is pretty darn good.

Casanova says...

it's called free verse. no stanzas and the capitalization is a stylistic choice

User avatar
841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:31 pm
View Likes
Radrook wrote a review...

Thanks for sharing this poem and its description of a great disappointment. It is definitively extremely difficult to move on when we still feel deeply for someone who suddenly decides to call it quits. The poem expresses it very well by having the MC desperately wishing on a shooting star. Please note that as a reader I did feel the deep sadness of the speaker as i read.

However, when the shooting star turned out to be the cigarette buts thrown out the window by neighbors, it felt like the punchline of a joke. I don't know if you meant it that way. To me it seems as if you didn't.

I know that sometimes I speak to people in a very serious mode and they burst out laughing. So we can definitely seem as if we are striving to make a joke sometimes no matter how sad we might be. It happens when people expect one thing and are told another very surprising one. You know, like priest walking solemnly down a church corridor towards the church alter and then slipping on a banana peel and doing a somersault. Things like that. That being said, I enjoyed the poem very much.

User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 191
Reviews: 16

Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:56 am
ItsYsaaa wrote a review...

Hey there!!

First and foremost, I was immediately captivated by every word you wrote. It had a touch that seemed very appealing before my eyes. I liked the way you chose to tell a meaningful story. Truthfully, I can relate to almost every word.

Your poem is beautifully written. You did a great job in terms of the images you want to share. I am definitely looking forward to more of your works!!

Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS