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The Sun

by Casanova

You carry the planets on your breaking back 
never letting them falter nor come to harm 

and i ask You
"how have You managed to keep us safe."

You never respond 
except rising the next day 
You never respond 
except showing me warmth the next day 

and i always wonder
what will happen when You no longer rise 

will i be in charge 
of keeping the others safe?
will i be in charge 
of taking over your place?

You never respond 
except for the tears that rain from clouds 
that keep You hidden in the storm 
You never respond 
except the dry sobs that resonates within 
the storm that hides You amidst the day 

Is this a review?



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1085 Reviews

Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Fri Dec 30, 2016 4:52 am
Mea wrote a review...

All right, here's the start of the rest of the reviews I owe you. They'll probably be kind of short, as I'm realizing how much I actually prefer reviewing prose. :P

I think you did a pretty good job of showing a slightly different take on the typical associations surrounding the sun - particularly the narrator's question of whether they will have to take up the sun's mantle at some point. I think it helps to hint at the wider nature of this poem, the uncertainty and fear that such an important support will fail.

I feel like this poem has a tension to it, and that it ends with that note of tension unresolved. I actually quite like that - it leaves it feeling almost more raw and unfinished, uncertain.

Slightly awkward lines are your main downfall. I'm not a fan of your second line, for instance. It just doesn't flow very well and it's a little bland.

I also know poems don't always follow grammar standards, but you keep not putting prepositions after "except" - it should be "except by" in the second stanza, and "except for/with the dry sobs" in the last stanza, speaking strictly grammatically. If it's a stylistic choice, I honestly don't think it works that well, especially since you aren't consistent and use "except for the tears."

Also, 'dry sobs' is plural, so unless something else is resonating, "resonates" should be "resonate."

That's all I have to say on this one.

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766 Reviews

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Thu Dec 01, 2016 10:44 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...

After trying to start your poems from the beginning, I found that I like your current style better. Therefore I am just going to review the poem folder backwards and hoping for the best. AS stated before this reviews will be a lot shorter than I'm used to writing because I have fifteen minutes. The time limit worked good for your review process, let's see how it works on mine.

1. As I said above, I prefer this current poem style over your previous ones. They just seemed really poorly put together and these ones aren't quite as bad. The mixture of the old and new of style of caps/no caps is still bothering me. But a couple more new poems down the road and I'm sure I'll grow to like it in the future. The inconsistencies are the sometimes starting with caps and sometimes not. This bother me less than all caps but has proved to be very annoying and is sticking in my mind.

2. I haven't even read this through but let me guess. It's either about a family member or a girlfriend? I mean either way your style of writing doesn't fit with anything besides love or romance or something to do with feelings. I'm surprised that I'm even sticking around to do reviews anymore with all of those elements in your poems. But you are less bad at all the emotional causing stuff that just causes me to laugh. So I'm guessing it was related to your life in some way but I should actually read it through a bit farther before guessing the meaning.

3. Like the previous reviewers have somewhat said, you start out strong, spark the interest of the reader and from there it's just a bit of a letdown. Granted I'm only on the third stanza like thing but I don't really see a need to keep reading. People can stop reviews right in the middle of a work right? Just say they didn't finish because they lost interest. Well I lost interest and not to sound all ___ but pretty sure you don't want to do that. You talked about in your reviews how you pass by so many works. Well so do I. And there's nothing here to set you apart from the rest of the poems I see.

4. Okay I could have stated that a bit better but I'm not feeling the best at the moment and my time here is almost up. I'm starting to quite like being a reviewer late on the scene and not having to break the ice over issues. A lot of what I might have been able to come up with has already been covered and I'm running out of time. I have like 45 seconds left to finish this review and I think I'm going to stop. Your poems are getting better Reverse.

Any questions on the collection of opinions labeled review? You know where to find me.
Have a nice day

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1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Thu Dec 01, 2016 9:10 pm
Virgil wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

I didn't really get any benefit out of "You" being capitalized and it kind of distracted me from the rest of the poem. I see you're playing with repetition here, which is something fun, but I want to talk about that. When you use repetition, do you know why you are? Is it to add emphasis to that line? Is it to say it again and then add onto that? Another thing to take into consideration is the dead space in-between times of you saying it. Is the repetition right beside each other, or is it at the start and end of the poem? All of these questions are appropriate to ask while using it.

The first two lines are pretty cool, but I wanted you to expand on it and perhaps even the weight on the person referred to as "You" and their shoulders. Expand on the image that you have in the start of the poem and strengthen it because I can see it becoming a strong start to the poem if you try and focus more on the emotional impact of the line.

The part with the warmth is something that I thought could be a clever use of subtly but I think that stanza needs reworking, more specifically the last line because I enjoyed the second. Another thing I wanted to mention here is the punctuation which is something that I think would add more power to the lines. The ending of the poem with the last stanza is something I could see being stronger and a better ending. The part about no longer rising was one of my favorite parts of the poem, I think.

Rework, edit, experiment, write. I hope this helped and have a great day!

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59 Reviews

Points: 5328
Reviews: 59

Thu Dec 01, 2016 1:15 pm
PusheenTheCat wrote a review...

Wow. I really like this poem. One of the reasons that I like this poem is because it is really about things that happen in real life because without the sun and the moon we wouldn't know what we were going to do when the sun goes out or if the sun never rose and set. Also another thing that I like is you really stepped up your game in this poem in your last one that your wrote I wrote a review but I put a ton of things that you need to work on but know I really don't know what you need to do so that you can fix. But one thing that I would say is that I didn't understand this "'You never respond except for the tears that rain from clouds that keep You hidden in the storm You never respond except the dry sobs that resonates within the storm that hides You amidst the day"' What I don't know about this is that when you said You never respond. I really don't get this part in the poem but if you would tell me in the comments I would love to know what it is. Keep writing and until you write another poem or story I will wait. Keep writing and I am gone.

Yours, PusheenTheCat

Casanova says...

the part you didn't understand was depression.

PusheenTheCat says...

Thank you.

Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury