z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

As I gaze at the sky

by Casanova


As I gaze at the sky
Snow falling on my eyes
I think of life
Not just of joys and beauties
But of hatred and sorrows. 
It's all wrapped in a bow, 
Always in tow, 
No matter where you go, 
Think of me 
the way I taught,
the way I did not, 
Always keep me in mind, 
As you travel through time


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 9818
Reviews: 16

Donate
Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:36 am
AlexOfLight wrote a review...



I love your poem, but the rhyme isn't great. It makes it so much more chaotic. It's like.... ripples in a pool of water. Try changing some of the words at the end of some lines like:

"It's all wrapped in a bow,"
It's all wrapped in a tie,

That's just one example, and you don't even have to use it. You could add a stanza or two, but it's not mandatory, and I could be completely wrong. You could add some commas, and that's it.

Great job! Keep writing! And have a Merry Christmas!




User avatar
745 Reviews

Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Sat Dec 10, 2016 8:46 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Get ready to laugh: because my main critique is that you need to put a meter on this.

The rhyme scheme isn't bad. It's not bad and it won't be--as a song. As a poem, it's firewood for other poetry. Sweet little firewood that makes the smoke smell nice, but...firewood all the same. My mental musician played a tune for me when I read this, and it's not bad. It's on the ukulele and won't be rap so don't ever try don't ever try DON'T EVER TRY.

But it's nice!

It's sweet! And that's good once in a while. Tiny sweet pieces that accomplish that goal. But you definitely need a meter or else the whole thing goes to garbage pretty quickly. And remember that meter can change! As long as the parts are consistent within the rhyme scheme so that the reader doesn't trip, you're fine!

But as poetry, bear in mind that soft and saccharine poetry serves little purple than to show us where we've been and where we will go. And by using this as a road map, I'd say you've come a decent deal, though you have a loooooad of a ways to go.

The meter? Start with 6 / 6 and find where that takes you.




User avatar
1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Sat Dec 10, 2016 8:44 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So the first thing that I noticed in this poem was the rhyme that was faintly in the poem. It didn't really do anything to help the poem and kind of only left a strain on it, so I suggest taking it out. The next thing that I wanted to touch on was the lack of punctuation here. Sure, you have commas, but I think the flow would have less kinks in it if you used a variation of punctuation in the poem.

The first image is something awkward with snow falling on your eyes. That's something that sounds incredibly painful to me so I suggest changing it to something else like cheeks or something that's not eyes. The poem jumps from the snow, which is something that I think could have been expanded on. We go into the speaker thinking of life in general without much detail. Instead of just using emotion words to try and pull that out of the reader, show us your own personal joys and sorrows. Make it more personal than just what you have here because right now it feels like someone anonymous could have written it in that it doesn't really have its own voice.

I want to know more about the speaker specifically, because otherwise we don't really have a reason to care. The rest of the poem is kind of all same-y in that it doesn't really try to explore anything new and doesn't use imagery to display any of this. It tells us the theme instead of showing us the theme through poetic devices like metaphors and similes which would be beneficial to the poem. "Show don't tell", is a rule that applies here because it gives the reader more of a reason to care about the poem.

I hope I helped and have a great day!





Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle