you sit there
as your light goes out
you exhale your deadly fumes
yet think they're good for you
once heavy and strong
now you've grown small and weak
barely an image of your former self
an image that's been twisted and reformed
to dictate the bad decisions you've made
throughout your hollowed life
and you continue to sit there
although you're being pushed around
you continue to sit there
as your last glimpse of light goes out
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey there to the guy who got run over by a bus. Sorry to throw you under the bus like that.
^See what I did there?
It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I'm trying to get back into reviewing poetry because I admit it's my favorite thing to review. And I just turned you down for a review bet because I have way too much work to do for school. But I'm here on my lunch break to review this so sit down, shut up and don't complain about my review tactics of stabbing your poem till the end.
First Thoughts
1. Well this isn't cryptic at all. But poetry is supposed to be cryptic and inspirational and symbolizing the magic of life and all of that crap. I should at least be glad this isn't completely a romantic poem. Well I should say you should be glad because I would be rolling out the pliers a lot sooner.
2. Okay I'm coming back to this a week later so I'll just try and slip in without disturbing my thoughts too much. Obviously all of your poems have to be connected to love in some way but luckily for me, this one is more family/relative love. I can tolerate that sort of caring a bit better than the rest of your subject matters. And you must really care for this person to take the time to warn them about what lies(?) ahead if they continue down this road.
First Lines
1. Depending on which way I'm reading this, by itself or connecting to the second stanza, I could say something about the light in 3 different ways. My first idea was literal light, like a cigarette going out because that connects down to the next line. Two, you could be talking about the figurative light of just giving up on all hope in life. Or three, it could be a combination of both 1 and 2, like the cigarette going out is also signaling the subject's hope of a life going out. I really don't know so if you could answer that, it would be great.
I Only Have 5 Minutes so the Review is Ending Here
1. So now I'm leaning more and more towards the cigarette comparison but further down you're adding in things about a dwarf star. It's all starting to come together but here and there your connections are spotty. Like you may be comparing this younger relative to either a version of yourself or another relative(???) I think that was the meaning you were going for but I'm still not really sure.
2. I liked this one a bit more than I liked the previous ones but that's mostly because I like your new style of not capitalizing every single line.
Okay well I'm trying to keep this down to ten minutes and my ten minutes are up, so I'll be on my way. If you have any questions (doubtful but it's for reasons) just shoot me a pm, chat bar, review forum, the lounge, etc.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
This is Kaos here for a review!
This is the weaker of the two poems that I'm reviewing right now with "The Sun" being a stronger piece than this. This one tackles the dwarf star idea, which is something that interests me but I didn't really like the execution for the reasons of being too blunt or lacking of subtly and in some places, things like imagery.
Use more than just the original idea and scientific facts of the dwarf star and put that to the side as something that adds onto the poem rather than that being your base. I would like to see something more emotion based than that, I think. The flow is something that's a positive in the poem so I have to commend you on that because it's pretty on point and is a strength,
The end of the poem is something that kind of followed over from "The Sun" with the repetition. I would have liked more imagery of the light and the star going out and kind of the cycle of that and relating that to human experience. I wanted more of a personal connection with the cycle of a dwarf star going out than just the facts.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
This is a really good poem because it makes some scene and most of your poems are not the same as this one because it makes scene and I really don't get most of it.
I am going to be going in stanza form "'once heavy and strong now you've grown small and weak barely an image of your former self "' I really liked this part because when you go heavy and then strong I think that is when you get tired but after a few minutes you get better.
"'an image that's been twisted and reformed to dictate the bad decisions you've made throughout your hollowed life "' I really didn't like this part because it makes no sense at all because I think for this one you are putting things together but if there is a meaning please tell me.
"' and you continue to sit thereat though you're being pushed around you continue to sit there as your last glimpse of light goes out "' this is okay but I think it could use some work maybe with some more detail and having more action.
Keep writing and tell me when you write another poem.
Yours, PuseenTheCat