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The Bridge With a View

by Casanova


rain splashes down on a cold, familiar piece of concrete. my eyes shift to one side, tearing through fog. a single tear slides down, its trail icing my skin. once it falls it darkens the concrete below, making it resemble the crushed feelings inside. moving, slowly, towards the concrete barrier. my hands slide over, and lift dead weight up and then down again on the other side. I stand there, waiting for the fog to dissipate, as my body trembles
   

remorse soaks in as cold and wet as the rain. draining hope, freedom,happiness. seeping towards the depths of the soul, etching into bones. no strength to move on, and no strength to move back. just the beginning and the end, running through times that are lost. my mind turns to ice, matching tears, concrete, rain, and feelings. no where to turn, no where to go but below.


fog clears, and the islands in view. a rainbow sprouting from its mountains of green. chirps of birds audible from the few miles away. a smile flickers across my face, remembering the past times here. My body no longer trembles, my eyes no longer shift. not happiness, but numbness. The only thing I know in my mind, is the last place I think of you, is the Bridge With a View. 


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745 Reviews

Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

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Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:27 am
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Lumi wrote a review...



Three major criticisms:

1. Robbery of inference
2. The loud machine sounds your sentences make
3. The simplicity of direction

1 & 3 nearly touch on the same subjects and items. Bridge with a view - it's a good way to describe a suicide spot; clever, even, but I'd really like the blatant statements of "crushed feelings inside" and "nowhere to go but below" and such to go find a place in a fire so the reader can find their own place on this bridge. Be it to enjoy the rain, the view, the final stanza's scenery, the introspection, the retrospection. Anything. But the blatancies rob the reader of that potential, and it's a shame.

Second point refers to how clunky your phrasing is.

moving, slowly, towards the concrete barrier. my hands slide over, and lift weight up and then down again on the other side.

That's not poetry; that's a manual on how to lift a crate and then put a crate down on the other side of a concrete wall. So if you want this to reach an audience outside of the grocery store workforce, your fluidity needs work. Your sentences need to be trimmed and baptized and given new names for their dedication.

Finally, simplicity vs duplicity.

Let. It. Never. Be. Said. That. You. Were. Taught. To. Be. Simple.

That's all. This poem is a straight shooter and I think you can carve a second dimension into the face. The third stanza has so much potential for more than just a suicide (?) maybe (?) maybe forget-me-love (?) poem. Clean it. Spend time with it. Love on it.

This one deserves it.
Ty




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105 Reviews

Points: 195
Reviews: 105

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Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:09 am
OreosAreLife wrote a review...



Hey Casanova! It's OreosAreLife here for a review!
So first off I like your title, it was very intriguing. It made me want to read this and lets just say the first time I read it, I was speechless. They way you worded it and put it together really made if flow nicely and made your meaning clear as day. Your lines were just something amazing. The way you describe eveything is truely amazing!

rain splashes down on a cold, familiar piece of concrete. my eyes to one side, tearing through fog. a single tear slides down, its trail icing my skin. once it falls it darkens the concrete below, making it resemble the crushed feelings inside.

The beginning was just great! It pulled me in right away and they way you described everything made me feel like I was you there. It was just amazing.

moving, slowly, towards the concrete barrier. my hands slide over, and lift dead weight up and then down again on the other side. I stand there, waiting for the fog to dissipate, as my body trembles

These lines really pulled at me. How you describe what is happening is something. I really think this is where your poem really takes off into being extraordinary.

remorse soaks in as cold and wet as the rain. draining hope, freedom,happiness. seeping towards the depths of the soul, etching into bones. no strength to move on, and no strength to move back. just the beginning and the end, running through times that are lost. my mind turns to ice, matching tears, concrete, rain, and feelings. no where to turn, no where to go but below.

I think these lines right here are the strongest part of the poem, at least in my opinion. They really called out to me when I was reading this. The description of how you're feeling in this part of the poem, draining all the good and leaving nothing. This is by far my favorite part in the poem!

fog clears, and the islands in view. a rainbow sprouting from its mountains of green. chirps of birds audible from the few miles away. a smile flickers across my face, remembering the past times here. My body no longer trembles, my eyes no longer shift. not happiness, but numbness.

This part was good. I think you did a god job transitioning the poem from where you left off in the line before it. It was a pleasant suprize and you description made the it easy for me to understand what was going on.

The only thing I know in my mind, is the last place I think of you, is the Bridge With a View.

This was an amazing end to your poem. I think you hit the mark spot on with it! I don't think there is a better way you could have ended it. I really liked this closing line.

Overall this was just stupendous. Now, I don't think you intended to capitalize anything, 'tis why I didn't touch on it. If I'm honest, I don't think this poem need it at all. I saw not grammar error so congratulations on that! Your description again was great and I could really picture what was happening and I liked that! You just did and amazing job with this one! Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your work!

OreosAreLife :)





Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars