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Between these telephone poles

by Casanova


I wish to be
                 a sound wave
                                        pulsating from here to there
to feel your smooth hand wrap around plastic
as if it was my own skin
and feel your soft breath
linger next to my ear

but for now i'm stuck as the transmitter
sending my heart felt emotions through this line
to linger upon your deaf ears
                                            but you do not
                                                                   respond

leaving you to be the receiver
and me the transmitter
between these telephone poles


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Fri Feb 10, 2017 4:23 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there Casanova/Matt/Crowley and a really late welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick (or not we'll see what happens), so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

First Thought
This poem has already picked through, so there's not that much left, if I was trying not to step on toes. But I don't really care about this today and I made sure not to read any of the other reviews. I have to admit, the poetry people killed this pretty quickly, so I didn't really have that much of a chance to get here to review it.

1. I like where your style is starting to go and how it's sort of progressing. I'm guessing the absence from the site and free of some pressures, may have helped you a bit in escaping the things going on. It's romance just like the rest of your poems but lately, it's been more tastefully done. The reason I so objected to your raps, is because they were blatant and showed a sort of one-sided love. This poem and one before it (I'll find it later in your portfolio), seemed to be a bit more like a classical love poem with some modern inserts. Like obviously the grand old masters weren't talking to their lovers on iPhones but the feeling the reader gets is more, uh, sophisticated.

Format
1. Yeah I don't have much time before my break ends so let's go through this as quickly as possible. I'm still going to complain about the caps/no caps things because you know me matt and you know what material i always run on. So i think you could have possibly capped all the i's and left everything else under case. That's just one way of looking at it, my sort of twisted way of looking at it. The one capped i is what's really bothering me with this poem. And I'm guessing it was so the poem started off stronger than it ended. (maybe????) I really don't know what meaning I'm going for at this point, so I'm just going to cruise.

~I already have a good idea of the content because you've explained that three times over to the other reviewers. Anyways, good day and good luck.
Lizz
The Eternal Queen of Chat and Also Some Book Kingdom Somewhere




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Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:41 pm
amelie wrote a review...



hey hey. i'm on mobile so i won't bother with fancy stuff and whatever, but i wanted to offer my two cents.

"I wish to be
a sound wave
pulsating from here to there"
the third line seemed indirect in the sense that here/there is a very broad distance, and a distance was not yet established. it's a pretty casual way to put it, which i've recognized that you use very casual phrases here and there, but i'd love for the line to linger and hit you like a sound wave would, helped out with a little formality.

"to feel your smooth hand wrap around plastic
as if it was my own skin
and feel your soft breath
linger next to my ear"

i'm a bit confused as to what you meant by plastic, since there wasn't anything i could really connect that material to since it all seems to be wires and boxes. as a side note,i think you could really take advantage of more powerful imagery in the last two lines. you have soft/lingering, whitch is a pleasant image. but what else could you describe it as that could really impact the interpretation?

"but for now i'm stuck as the transmitter
sending my heart felt emotions through this line
to linger upon your deaf ears
but you do not
respond"
i like the first line. the first line wants to take me somewhere; give me something. it lost that effect reading the second line, using the phrase "heart felt" seems so lazy and again casual for the seriousness and emotion the poem needs. it gives and takes away, and i feel like it needs more than heart felt. i'm also curious why you added "deaf". since when? it doesn't really fit without an expansion on just that.

i liked the last stanza, especially the last line. that one stuck, but the former two lines were almost rushed? like there wasn't enough time to i vision or think about it. so again, it's a quicker way of putting it. and you should really take your time.

anyyyyways, hopefully that made sense.
-amelie.




Casanova says...


To clarify what you are confused about-

The,"here to there," is the distance between me and the girl.

The,"plastic," means phone. I specify I'm meaning telephone poles at the end. The whole thing is about talking through the phone- it's basically saying I wish I could travel like a sound wave to be with her physically.

And the last stanza. That's meaning I'm talking and she hears, but she doesn't respond to what I'm saying. Which would mean she's not being a transmitter- just the receiver. And since she's not talking I don't hear anything- leaving me to be the transmitter. If that makes any sense



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Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:20 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropped in for a review!

So I haven't seen you poet in awhile, so I may as well drop in for a review. It's an interesting piece and I'm wondering what the inspiration was for it, but it feels a little stiff in terms of emotion, and that could just be because you're a little bit rusty. The ending didn't really happen to hit me all that hard in terms of emotional impact and this is due to the way that you word it, which is awkward. The concept of the poem with focusing on sound in terms of the sensory detail that you use. The first couple of lines are actually quite strong in this aspect with the word 'pulsating' enhancing the imagery.

The thing that I think cancels out the stronger parts in the poem is that you're technical with what and when you're writing about the transmitter and receiver rather than happening to make it more of a metaphorical thing. In the second stanza, or when you have the line relating to plastic, I'm a little confused as to what you're referring to. It seems that the plastic happens to be a phone, but I wasn't quite sure.

I would have liked to see more diverse imagery when it came to this, using the sound waves and expanding on that part of the poem as well as losing reception and everything of that sort. Something else that interested me about the poem is that the speaker seems to be the messenger in this situation and it seems that they kind of feel as if they're the one carrying messages between two other people without really getting a lot out of it, or at least that's how I'm interpreting it. Work more on the clarity and strengthen the emotional weight behind your lines, and I think you have something to say with this.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions or anything of that sort, feel free to ask.




Casanova says...


The plastic is a telephone. And the whole poem is practically me saying," I wish I could travel to you like these sound waves," if that makes any sense



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Tue Feb 07, 2017 12:37 pm
Nieeblur wrote a review...



Hi.

It's my first time, trying to comprehend a visual poem and to top it off romance it not actually my forte. So I may not understand the implications completely, but I'll try my best to jot down my thoughts.

The poem starts off with a feeling of helplessness and confusion. And only escape through that feeling is fantasizing. Fantasize about the time you could spend with her. One line that got me thinking was,

"to feel your smooth hand wrapped around plastic
as if it was skin".

It was beautifully expressed.
And then you are brought back to reality. And reality sucks. Because all these signals don't give any feedback.

Now for the things that can be improved.

>Third line, which is,
....................... pulsating from here to there

now here, the sentiment emphasized is longing for something. Raw loneliness. So instead you can word it as,
pulsating from here...................to there

Now it doesn't seem to mean anything on a superficial level. But what is implies, is the feeling of being distant from your 'destination', if I can say so.

>By the end of the poem, you start loosing hope. The idea of her is overshadowed by your fantasy. So you start loosing the concept of 'you'(here, the you used in the poem)
So it'll be more in phase with the sentiment, if you change the structure of 'you'.
Like capitalizing, italicizing, anything enough to highlight the structure of her.

>You could've elaborated the fantasy a little bit. Give life to 'her'. The transition seemed a bit too swift to seep into.

Synopsis:
Overall the poem is very nice. Certain parts, where you've distanced 'you' from rest of the structure gives it whole different meaning. I'd be lying if I didn't say, I had stop and ponder over it. The idea that a transmitter which has no receiver to receive, seemed very fascinating to me.
One thing I liked very much was that your poem showed originality. And that makes it all the more alive.





When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson