Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review!

The little note at the end didn't really need to be there. Don't tell the reader how to interpret the poem D:, let them figure it out on their own. Interpretation is something that the reader actually gets to do in poetry, putting their feet in the shoes of the speaker. Moving on from that, I wanted to say that because it's apparent in the poem. The first thing that I wanted to touch on here was the theme of the poem itself. It's overall not very clear of what you're trying to get across. You don't need to spell it out for the reader, and you shouldn't. Instead, give the reader a guide, a gentle push in the right direction of what it's about.

The imagery is this has me on the fence. The main problem I have with this is what Lumi mentioned, which is sensory detail. It creates the atmosphere with all the five senses and it creates more of an experience for the reader. Some things are better suited being described by their taste, and others how they sound. And other things can only be described by one of the senses. That's something to take into consideration. Describing the taste of fire is something that imbues something strong and gives a new perspective into describing it rather than it being the same thing described the same way.

It's nice to see you focusing on imagery but it will take time to get a voice for it and stick with it. Right now this is broken into fragments with the stanzas and doesn't really feel like a complete piece yet. Connect those stanzas together so that they flow together better. That's something that also I felt needed working on. Your strength is flow in lyrics and this is a new change for you to do it in this form, so experiment with it. With finding a voice in this, you'll find a flow with this.

It's fragmented so glue the pieces together and hope they stay.

Leaps ahead of former pieces. Before I begin, stop your music, dampen your stimuli, and clear your head. No messages in chat. No calls from the Girl. I want to ask you something that begs earnest and slow reflection:

Are you better off now, as a writer, than when we began?

You can thank Reagan for the paraphrase.

Both Fox and Pomp are correct in each aspect that they presented, though I'll debate against a few points here and there. Minor grievances. This is easily the most enjoyable piece you've presented thus far, and I did enjoy reading it--until the final line. Ending on something so trite is...well, trite. Don't do that. Even an Irish Goodbye is better than a sudden unraveling.

I'm pushing harder for dynamic syntax for the sake of flow and complexity, readability, and dexterity. You need to invest in studying poets that you feel a communion with who ALSO demonstrate a mastery of multiple forms of imagery--and allow me to pause to allocate a lesson.

Imagery is, for all intents and purposes, a misnomer. Imagery is an umbrella term used in the literary world to describe the elements we place within a piece to give the reader sensory detail. So imagine it's called Sensory. We learned this as children; those come in the forms of sight, smell, taste, sound, and feel. All of these elements are crucial for versatility and mastery. The change between the senses allows the reader to immerse themselves deeper, allows you to enthrall them. This is important because it brings the reader to what you have baked into your bones:

The Sentiment.

Once the reader has been enraptured, once they have the context of the narrative and understand where they are, what they are, what has happened, and what they think they will feel, the lyricism of the narrative comes in the form of sentiment--often metaphor--and because the reader is inside this different plane of existence, the message is left viral inside of them.

And you never, ever have to actually say what you mean.

You're excelling by the standards of more people than you realize; your scope of vision is just maladjusted.

You don't have to tell me when the next one comes out. I'll be here.
Ty

Yo.

Going to keep this short.

First off, meaning doesn't have to be clear in poetry. The poet may seek to convey a certain, concrete theme; they may not seek to convey a certain, concrete theme. It doesn't matter. Either way, people will interpret things as they will, and the more a person tries to force a certain 'main idea' into creeping through the iron bars of structure and carefully-crafted sentences, the more difficult it becomes to establish flow and focus on meaning. I repeat: do not try to force an idea to show through. Sometimes, the best windows are made of frosted glass, as opposed to dulling you with their transparency.

Cut the fragments. There are too many of them and I feel like they keep jamming between my teeth. Fragments make the situation seem irritatingly impersonal--which it shouldn't be. I like the extended metaphor, that the person the poet addresses is a prisoner in their own mind [it reminds me of this picture], but it lacks emotion. Emotive writing is meant to be really up close, really personal and raw. The poet spends an inordinate amount of time describing the scene, and the imagery used is largely 'seeing imagery'. The poet describes the scene like they're rattling off a learnt-by-heart shopping list. Linger on the moment. Nosedive into it. Play around with sensory imagery besides sight and instead of merely stating things like 'the only source of release is...[xyz]', show it to us through the addressee's emotions. I don't want to know if their teeth are yellowing, or what their physical state is. I want to know how they /feel/, to be able to build up an empathetic link that ends in me having finished reading this poem and having felt something.

It's really neat to see you dabbling in other forms of poetry. You have a sense of concreteness, in knowing /what/ you want to say. I scarcely ever do, and that doesn't work out well for me, but sometimes concreteness restrains you from fully expressing yourself--mostly because there is that persistent, nagging fear that you will not get anything across the way you want it to.

Ditch the fear. Keep writing.

Hope this helped.

~Pomp

Hello, Casanova! You've probably grown a little tired of my habit of reviewing your poems by this time, but I'm nothing if not persistent. Thus, here I am, and I'm quite curious by your premise here. Prose-poetry has a tendency to be challenging, requiring a lot of emotional depth and the figurative language elements that have an easier time succeeding in poetry. As such, this is definitely not a common method of writing poetry, and perhaps a little avant-garde on your part. Based on your previous writings, I appreciate that.

Anyways, this is actually a decent piece. Nicely done! You do a wonderful job of capturing the spirit and complexities of depression through the course of this poem, particularly as the narrator struggles for a light that they are simply unable to reach. It is indeed a dark and oft violent piece, and succeeds in that fashion. The struggles of the narrator were evocative and complex, particularly as they find themselves yet again alone in this personal Hell, suffocating and withering away in a storm that they have bound themselves to. The third-to-last paragraph was probably my favorite in this regard, as it was the most effective at expressing figurative language to communicate an idea of despair and slow dissolution. Words such as "feverish," "moans," and so forth contribute to that tone beautifully. The narrator now struggles to find a release that they are unwilling to contemplate, though they moan in a feverish state, and eventually come to terms with at the end.

However, that was a high point in what was a good poem, but not a great one. Inevitably, I think this work does an incredible job of depicting such things as shadows, blood, and tears. Each plays their own part and contributes to the grim mood and its eventual shift into that of acceptance, and perhaps repentance. Nevertheless, what this poem tended to lack was context, and didn't come across as particularly experimental. How is this individual wicked, in any fashion? Why do those chains bind them? What are those chains like? What could they have done to invoke such chains, and why do they inflict this idea of wickedness upon themselves? As an individual who tends to run into spells of depression, I know that feeling like I'm a wicked person is far from my rational (usually, it's failure to see the big picture, or neglect, etc.). And what about the wall covered in blood? The tear mixing in blood was perhaps the most dramatic and best conveyed imagery in this entire piece, but I don't understand the context of this scene. Can the narrator see other rooms? What are some of their other sensations, and what else can they comprehend?

Inevitably, this is a step up from previous pieces of yours. You are finally begin to experiment and work on the advanced development and progression of your writing. This is a unique and clever experiment with both paragraph poetry and second-person point of view, and the results are fairly good, given how challenging both can be to manipulate. However, the picture of depression that I'm gathering here might be accurate, but it's also generic. An individual trapped in their own personal Hell, with a light of happiness and joy that they wish to strive to just out of reach. Not precisely the most original or evocative take on the topic I've seen thus far. The resulting acceptance of their fate and the consequences thereof is a nice twist, but the work itself doesn't particularly call out to me on an emotional level. In that regard, I'd suggest furthering your incorporation of figurative language to further emphasize the narrative of this piece and increase the audience's comprehension of the scene, sights, and sounds here. Too, I'd also suggest providing more experimentation when it comes to your use of punctuation. You tend to use dashes frequently over the course of your work, and it gets old and tiring after some time.

Regardless, great job! This was a decent piece to read, and was fairly creative and thoughtful. At this point, I'd suggest emphasizing what you already have to begin with, particularly your usage of figurative language and emotions. Nevertheless, thanks for presenting this piece!

@Lumi I promised to have something for you!