Young Writers Society

Hi. This is Kman134. I am here to read your poem.

this is truly romantic and riveting with so much symbolisms on love and poker. the way the stanzas are spaced is really good and makes it easier to read each part without losing one's sight. the way the narrator expresses his urge to fight away his/her feelings while he/she succumbs to them makes it more enticing to read.

the way the poem is written is like a complex puzzle that the reader needs to solve and understand what is going on before pursuing further. when reading the poem, one must pace the unreadable parts together and fill in the blanks to make it more comprehensible.

"your words caress my skin-
and I can feel them linger
with every second that passes."

this was my favorite part. it expresses the desire to feel one's lover as his/her voice feel like fingers caressing their skin while time around one slows down. the aethetic symbolism reminds me of love stories written by Lord Byron.

this was a rally good poem. it's much more unique than any i've ever read. i hope to read more soon.

First, thanks for sharing your poem. It is a very interesting read and what is called an extended metaphor in which an amorous relationship is compared to a card game where the cards represent emotions and ideas. I especially like how it concludes by using a diamond card as a symbol of a precious love offered or perhaps the climax of the lovemaking represented by a card game..

Suggestions:

Please note that I would delete the word “heart” because it is an infamous cliche just as “soul” is.

“against” is redundant. “I fight....”

I would use: “you slap me on the wrist” instead would avoid it.


The following expressions stopped me dead in my tracks.

“my words and your thought intertwining
but your words and my thoughts do not ”

It is like an intricate puzzle begging to be solved and the reader needs to understand it but it really seems to require too fine a distinction to be understood readily. So to continue reading the reader has to ignore his own incomprehension and plow ahead as if he understood when he really didn’t. One thing we don’t want is to purposefully stump our readers. It works against smooth reading and frustrates. Instead of an interested reader we then have a partially frustrated one asking himself why he is being presented with puzzles. What words and how do they not mesh?


It’s a mystery dumped in the middle to intrigue but absolutely no explanation t its meaning is provided. There is a fly in the ointment that is presented and neither removed nor explained in order to justify its inclusion. If indeed the relationship isn’t ideal because of differences in thoughts and words, then the reader wants to know why.

If indeed the poem is not going to go into details about it, then it’s best not to include that statement. Even worse, we are then immediately presented with a harmonious relationship which contradicts what has just been implied. In short, it comes across as the inclusion of a clever expression for the sake of cleverness alone and does more damage than good.

The expression “more rough” has two flaws.

First, it contradicts the previous description of “caressed”. In other words, the reader is given the impression that gentleness is being used and then told that it was roughness instead.

Second: The expression "more rough” can be substituted with ”rougher. It would still come across as inconsistent with the previous word “caressed" but would be more economical and poetic since poetry demands economy of words. Which means that if something can be said with two words then we would not use six or seven.

The word “swipe” is out of place in conjunction with the previous use of the word“caress”. Why? Because it connotes taking a swipe at someone. When one caresses one doesn’t swipe-one strokes. “gentle strokes” See the difference?
https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/take+a+swipe+at

When I came to the expression using the word “clubs” I saw him clubbing her and paused. Then I gradually remembered that they are at a table playing cards.

The poem’s formatting only served to make reading it more of a task than it should have been. It was also distracting because it seemed unnecessary and really doesn’t add any special meaning to what’s being said. If indeed it does, then pray tell.

In conclusion. the extended metaphore is an excellent idea. But in this case it needs some polishing.

Hey, I'm Noelani, and I hope you don't find this review offensive. The first error that I notice is, even before I read your poem, is the fact that your words are all chopped up. I figured that this was a mistake but you have to know that it's very important to structure your writing so that the reader can read it without weirdly stopping at the part that's not supposed to be stopped at. It also basically makes the beat of your poem faster, and more understandable to read, so that the reader can have an easier idea of what the main idea may be. Any way you also have capitalism errors, but I pretty sure you know that too. Overall this is a very good poem. Not actually my style, but you have a nice voice. With aaaalllll that said keep writing.You are a wonderful writer.