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the moth

by Audy

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482 Reviews

Points: 4349
Reviews: 482

Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:50 pm
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Meshugenah wrote a review...

So... one, I thought I'd reviewed this. Oopsie. Two, I know how this started (er, well, sort of), and I *still* don't know what to think.

I like the wordplay you've been playing with throughout, for sure.

I love, "condemning me to fry in her light." Of course, the problem I have with this poem is defining your narrator (outside of you. Shame, I know), and then reading this again objectively. I read that and it's scathing. Then again, your narrator also reads as a bitter realist, so it really fits.

Side note, the "//" - is that supposed to be a nod to code or chat shenanigans? I mean, I'm reading everything as an aside, but those delineate comments in... oh, crap. One language or another. I can't remember if it's css or php or something and I'm too lazy to check. Anyway.

"my other" - my mother, or my other mother? WORD PLAY. Guh, woman. You make my head hurt with it. This. This is why I hadn't tried to review this before. Though I love it, so don't mind me too much.


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413 Reviews

Points: 11009
Reviews: 413

Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:20 pm
Cailey says...

I wish I had a nice review for you. But to be honest my first impression is speechless, and I don't have the time to keep rereading until I have something to say.

Fantastic job! :D I love it.

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115 Reviews

Points: 3008
Reviews: 115

Sat Jul 13, 2013 1:06 pm
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PixieStix wrote a review...

Hey Audy, here once gain to review!

This poem is very clear, and I find it easy to understand.

Your first stanza-

I don't really get why there are two // before "my daughter" starts. It really takes away the dramatic theme of the poem. I do, though, like the "•" because it makes you pause and think- "how is the narrorator feeling in this situation?" Well it did for me. XD

Second stanza-

This is a very simple stanza and I think this you wrote it well.

Third stanza-

This you did well too. I like how you describe how she said "I'm fines" because it added the dramatic theme again.

Fourth stanza-

You do • this again, which I'm obsessed with. XD and This is when you added the moth aspect, and how the mother or narrorator is trying to fix her.

Overall, I would rate this a 9/10. You did a great job and I can't wait to read more of your work!


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159 Reviews

Points: 2117
Reviews: 159

Fri Jul 12, 2013 5:21 pm
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Skydreamer wrote a review...

Hey, here for your review! Cool formatting. I like visual poetry. :P I am not too sure exactly how to review it though so bear with me.

So, to start I would like to say what I felt it was about after reading it. I felt it was about adoption, and as a number one adoption advocater that made me happy to read this, and also helped me to see the work in a new light.

So I'll start with the first line "to-get-her". -- The line was actually what first made me see this as a to-be, or already mother who is mothering a daughter whom she feels she needs to make an impression on because this is a someone she had to "get". Also, though it makes the word, "together" which I find is very interesting and I actually just realized it. That is so cool! So, yes, I think that works really well, and I think it was a good start because even though I did not originally know that it made "together" I still thought it had deep meaning. Acknowledging that now I see more meaning in it. I don't know still what you mean, but I can guess a mother who is contemplating on her struggle to be strong for her daughter.

I was taught
teach • her
nourish • her
//my daughter
talk to me now

//how are you, doll?
-- Now on this part.

I thought it was very sweet, and again it worked with my suggestion of adoption, and how one would be told, how they are to care for the child, before they can get the child. And then showing how the nourishing is done was a great decision, and it produced a moving effect.

Any advice I would give though, would be to add one example of the "teach-her" for the conversation. For it seemed more on the nourish side, and maybe one line like:

Let me tell you, now...

Would have more represented the teaching side. Although, her indicating to talk would mean she was going to say something wise, and thus teach. But because that part was so sweet it might add some more sweetness to the work.

but she's fraught with
spoiled knots and mock laughter come clot up
in her ears

I thought that part above me was a little bit harsh. I mean, a big jump from the tender voice one hear's before it. Also, the formatting threw me off a bit as I was reading, because of the way you separated "laughter come clot up" from "in her ears". If that was intentional then never-mind, but if not I would suggest taking out the "come". I felt that flowed better. What I usually suggest is for one to read the suggestion out-loud as well, multiple times to see if it works for them. : )

high as a thigh,
I found this strange. :P I've never seen such a comparison, but I don't mind, it I am just curious about it. What did you mean, if I may ask?

smothered by, "I'm fines"
I thought this line was a really good ending for the stanza. As for that whole stanza, I thought that it properly expressed the heart-strings of motherhood, and the difficulties of it.

extinguish • her
I am thinking of this and I don't exactly understand what is meant here either. But that said, I found it essential to the rhyme for it to be there. I am not sure why. So again, I am just curious as to what exactly you mean. I have a sort of idea with the ending, does it mean she has to appease her? Because of the trouble she has in her (daughter's) eye's?

The writing of that last stanza was great. I really liked it, and it brought to understanding the struggle that was before, and while there was an abrupt shift towards it, it kind of lets you understand that she was under a lot of fire. So, great job on the ending and on it all though!

Overall, I thought this was a good poem. After reading it, and realizing somethings about it, I find it much better than I had originally thought; in short, it is amazing. Also I really liked the aspect of your visual art though-out it. After reading it, I know fully how it works, and it works well. And again, if this is about adoption, I'd be so happy as an advocate.

Love it! (And thanks for posting on my review page. :D I'm so honored!)

--Dream over the moon, the stars, Jupiter and Mars.

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212 Reviews

Points: 17956
Reviews: 212

Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:18 am
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Auuuudy <3 Scarli here to review things!

That is sadness about the formatting, and it frustrates me, too. Can't get anything I post to stay with it's first line indents. x.x It can be veeeery frustrating, no? So, yeah. I should get onto the reviewing stuff. XD

I like this work a lot. Like, a lot, lot. <3 You have this mother/daughter dynamic type of thing going here, and I like it. It's interesting. I especially liked this part, Audy dearest;

//my daughter
talk to me now

//how are you, doll?

It felt kind of sweet to me, as a mother speaking to her daughter (or so I assumed). <3 And it flows so well, too! More <3 is needed here. Lots more. <3

This part confused me a bit;

but she's fraught with
spoiled knots and mock laughter come clot up
in her ears

but after reading it, I think I get it? Sort of. It's an interesting use of word and phrase and stuff. (I don't know what else to call it! It's just interesting <3)

I figure by "my other" you mean another daughter? I wasn't sure about this, so I'm assuming things again. Forgive me if I'm wrong! (You know ilu and your poetry <) Infact, this whole stanza is confusing me and doesn't really make sense (but when it poetry ever meant to make sense? XD), and yeah. I kind of like the nonsense thing. It's amusing. I don't know why, it just is. I also like the whole smothered by "I'm fines" bit. It makes me think of a sad girl who keeps saying she's fine and you accept it even though you know she's lying.

And that last stanza? Is just <3. Because it's just *squishes* and stuff. I can't. Audy dear, you and your poetry. I just love it. You are amazing, Audy dear. Just amazing. <3

As for nitpicks, I don't really have anything. Your flow is brilliant and I don't think that needs improvement. In fact, there's not much I can comment and crit much here at all. <3

Thanks for the lovely poetry, Audy! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarli. <3

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562 Reviews

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Reviews: 562

Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:32 pm
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Button says...

expect a review -- if I don't remember because I'm a total ditz, feel free to kick my butt about it

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117 Reviews

Points: 896
Reviews: 117

Mon Jul 08, 2013 8:24 pm
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rishabh says...

wow! nice poem about motherhood! u framed each and every line with so much it made my emotions li'l weak! ur dotty stuff between some words made reader to read ur work in two-ways. or in repeatitive way......i can read it ur dotted words in two ways! grt. stuff! i like it!

good job!

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68 Reviews

Points: 435
Reviews: 68

Mon Jul 08, 2013 8:23 pm
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live1out2loud7 wrote a review...

this is a really interesting piece and I absolutely love the clearly evident creativity you used. I've never seen any of your other work, but I can tell that your an awesome writer by just how much you think out of the box in this piece.
Despite how amazingly different this is from the status-quo, I think you might want to define your ideas a little more. I really loved the creativity, but couldn't quite understand the message you were trying to get across. You might try to simplify the message, or the delivery in order to get the full effect of the other.
Your style of writing is completely abnormal, so keep it that way. Writing like this makes you distinct and grabs peoples' attention.
Keep up the awesome work! If you want any more reviews, please let me know, I loved reading your work :)

Despite everything, it's still you.
— TobyFox