My gosh!! I love this ..alphabet rhyme concept is so unique ..well done ☺
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
a b c
crush my heart, crush all of me
kill my soul, take it all
stand at the cliff and laugh while i fall
d e f
your ears cannot hear my screams; they are deaf
the loud screaming fills the room with silence
and teeter totters the seesaw off balance
g h i
for you, i will stand still while you try
and break me, batter me, bruise me,
and you are succeeding, don't you see?
j k l
there is nothing they can do to pull me out of hell
the hell that you have dealt to me, to your victims
twisting up my organs, ripping up my vital systems
m n o
now i have nowhere to go
but thank the gods for that, since you are so determined
to keep me here, to keep me burnin'.
p q r
you hit me with that whip over and over, leaving many a scar
riddling all over my body, creating bumpy ridges
small silly hills while burning all of my bridges
s t u
stab me with your knife of feelings, i dare you to
since i am just a person, all alone
while your razor cuts me, stabs me, down to the bone
v w x
people say we're both women, we're both the same sex
so we should get along, don't we? we need to, don't we?
but you have ruined the chance to do so; you aren't acting like you used to be.
y and z
as i reach the final moments of my life, i smile with glee
finally, i can get away from the twisted, dirty world that you rule over
i can finally be in the bright white light, carressed by angels' arms forever
a b c d e f g
next time won't you die with me
I really love the alphabet a-b-c rhyme concept you have going on! It's really unique and I never could've thought of it. I love the rhyme scheme, too, and how that ties into the alphabet.
It's a really twisted story to go along of the alphabet and sorta the alphabet song, which really takes me back to kindergarten. I've seen children's songs rewritten or using different vocals to make them creepy, but it's an original idea to create a new poem with a twisted story and mentions of the song. I love it!
Overall this was done pretty amazingly and I love this style!
Hello!
So this is a decent start for a poem. I will admit it took me a couple of readings to see how the abcde... linked up with the lines, which was a unique touch. That makes this already have a different sense to it which keeps with readership more. Good job on that.
The rhyming scheme overall was definitely well developed. The one thing that messes with this poem is the disunity of the lines. They flow decently, helped on by the never-ceasing connection of the alphabet, but web the lines grow longer, their message gets drawn out. This would have the same impact even if you edited a few of these stanzas down, especially the second to last line.
Your rhyme scheme gets lead astray nearing the end, but only because the lines are literally a few too many words long. Some bits are a little redundant, like “don’t we? we need to, don’t we?” By taking even just one of the “don’t we” away gives this line a succuient end and flows to the next line.
Overall, this is nice so far! I like how you’ve weaves your message through these lines and never really starting from it, not even while ending it. Good job! Hope this was sort of helpful
.
Good luck,
Perks
Yo, DG!
I'm quite appreciative of this piece and your ability to bring out rhymes that weren't too forced and didn't manipulate the content of your lines for the sake of rhyming patterns. As far as execution goes, you have solid and thorough ideas that follow through, but your word choice and polishing on sentence structure could use more finesse and care.
Basically, you've got a promising poem here; it just needs some time to grow with you. So picking it apart with positives and negatives, look at:
1. How can you improve your flow? Sentence structure and word choice play a big part of this, but so could a meter or smoother rhymes.
2. Why did you choose to employ the ABCDEFG...etc. tactic when all it gives is a rhyming base for one line per stanza? If the concept were built around that theme, I would understand, but right now I'm at a loss.
3. Your emotions are mostly balanced here; you don't go too far into the dark, you don't go too happy--there's a dark-leaning medium here that I appreciate. I still think this can be balanced more with less brutal darkness if you're inclined.
Altogether a fine piece, but one that deserves attention and care. All the best,
Ty
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