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137,761 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
Beautiful words, particularly in the second stanza, but it was also pretty thick and hard to decipher. I read it twice - the first time because it sounded pretty and the second time because I wanted to actually understand (as completely as possible) what you were saying with each line. But that's not necessarily a bad thing! It procreates a flurry of images and senses; a little overwhelming for he reader but with all of this being said, this poem is spectacular.
Keep Writing,
StoryWeaver
Terrific stuff, Audy! All I can offer is go easy on some of the adjectives and take some of Karzkin's advice.
Audster!
First, Metamorphosis references! Yeah! Ten points! Existentialism five!
Listen, you and I both know what you're doing. You know what's up, you've been around the traps. This piece is a lovely series of images and ideas that flow seamlessly into one another almost without exception. I drooled over this:
Just wow. Masterful stuff. If I wrote it I might have played on "the woman in furs" or "Ungeziefer" a little, but that's just me. There are, however, two problems; one somewhat specific, the other less so.
First, the opening, specifically the first two lines. I just can't deal with it. It's like having dessert before dinner. Instead of starting inside, going outside, then coming back in, you start waaaay outside right from the word go. It's cool, it's edgy, it's clever, it's in vain. Only a very few of the most hip readers are going to be able to unpick that. You throw us off, and we are forced to play catch-up the entire time. You do compensate in the last three lines by coming right back inside, but in my opinion it's too little too late. I don't know, maybe ease us in a little before you smack us in the face with something like that? Consider Kafka's own opening line.
Second, woah. There is just so much here. Seriously, I had to re-read a few times before I made a dent. It's hardcore development of a single image, and it kind of takes its toll. The problem with depth over breadth is that it is hard to look at from more than one angle. You've given us a painting, but it's been painted with a needlepoint on a canvas the size of a postage stamp. I'd just like to see you trim it down, see how much you can afford to lose. The Metamorphosis has strong minimalist elements, and you seem to be leaning towards the opposite end.
All yours baby,
K.
I really liked this. It's an interesting little narrative poem with a nice even pace.
I like how you link the second stanza to the third with repetition:
"...over your delicate knees.
Knees that buckle under the weight of sky..."
I think if you'd linked the first and second stanza the same way, with the repetition of something to do with either, insects, something sprouting, or ideas, it'd make the whole think link together more efficiently, and there'd be a more consistent flow.
Also, I noticed that two lines of the first and second stanza end with rhyming words, and I think if you were to do the same with the third stanza, it'd tighten the structure a bit. So for example...
"Today’s been gay protestors
in hundred and eight degree weather
stifling we who are revolting together,..." weather & together rhyme ('eather and 'ether).
Then you have:
"I'm all aches and reaching for the hard scotch
for we've become fostered spiders who form knots," scotch & knots rhyme ('otch and 'ots).
Then I reckon if you rhymed either the first two or second last two lines of the third stanza, it would link them all together in a sort of circle, if that makes sense. The end is sort of left hanging or open, if that too makes sense.
I might be really confusing you. I'm sorry if I am. I'm just recently getting into poetry, so what I say may be taken for whatever its worth. My suggestions are just based on basic linking and flow techniques, which I guess can be applied to poetry as well, since it makes the poetry stronger when its got a clear effective structure.
But anyway, I'm going to stop rambling.
I really liked this, as I said. It's written in an interesting style and I like the imagery it invokes with every line. Hope some of what I've suggested is helpful.