Young Writers Society

Hey illy, this is definitely a sweet reflective piece! You've got some nice little sentimental images in here. I think one thing you could work on is there are a few awkward line-breaks.

In poetry, if you don't use capitalization or punctuation to indicate sentence / thought endings, then your readers will rely on line-breaks to get a clue where the thought ends and starts.

In your poem there's a few spots where the line could be read with the line above or below, and it makes for a bit of an awkward reading -- here's a few --

Soft grass
Eyes cross

Of ebony kisses
Marshmallows

There is so much amazing imagery in this! I like it overall, and the last two sentences really emphasize the point of the poem!

However, I do wish that it got to the point faster. There are details and allusions (such as "with virgin hearts" and "and angel's lips/fallen from the heavens") that I did not understand how it fit into the poem. This poem was also a bit scattered in terms of structure, I think.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty nice poem about reflecting on the good times in the past!

(also, this is all personal opinion, and not meant to be harmful or offensive in any way.)

-Melon

Hey there illy7896. I know I've read a few of your poems on yws and I'm trying to remember if I've ever reviewed any of them yet. If I have reviewed your other poems and I'm repeating some of this feedback over again, feel free to let me know.

My main thing, when I see your poetry and other newer members of YWS, is on your formatting or lack of it. If you had formatting in this work that the publishing center took away from you in the posting process, then feel free to check out my tutorial on the subject. It might help you with some methods about how to get more creative about the way you place words upon the YWS publishing center page. Here it is: How to Format Poetry on YWS: Part 1

So when I do come across poems with a limited amount of formatting, I usually copy down the poem to the review and give you a possible arrangement. Down below will be my possible arrangement and now we're going to go through whatever comments I do have on the actual content.

This is a very good poem. I rarely find myself actually liking the poetry on YWS because to be honest, I am a bit of a snob. I'm very much enjoying the word choice and the way it makes me feel as an audience member. Again, this comes from how rarely I feel such things when going about my business in the Green Room. There are a few different imagery themes that are being intermingled in your work, which I'm always a bit mixed on, but having the food mentions confined to one section is why I think I can accept it. As long as you're not going too far into marshmallow love, then I can still appreciate and enjoy what all is going on in your careful little balance.

I think your only problems in this work is having capital letters at the beginning of the line, the lack of formatting, the shortness and uniformness of the lines, etc.
This is to basically say that your words and content are creative, but your presentation is not. Half of the process with poetry is how you're handing it to the audience. If you were making something that is culinary simple, then you would find a way to plate it for your dinner guests that makes it seem absolutely amazing. With a more complex dish, sometimes a simple presentation leads to more appreciation of the dish itself. But for you, I think these formatting choices are hurting your content more than helping it.

That's all I have for now. Shoot me a PM if you want to talk about any thing with more specifics.
Happy March!
- jack

Soft grass
Eyes cross

The horizon

To meet each others’
We play our hearts
With silver tongues

A harmonica’s tune
Sweet and sour

Under a thousand stars
The campfire glows
And climbs up
The invisible mountains

That we called love

Rustles and crinkles
Like the metal
Of empty soda cans
That lined our logs

Where our friends danced and sang
With virgin hearts

A sweet tune
And angel’s lips
Fallen from the heavens
To bless the soil

Of ebony kisses

Marshmallows
Pop
And fizzle

Cooked by the glow
Of the moon’s arch

Thirty years time
Or maybe two
We can only dream of this place
Where we shared
Our months

But for now

My friend
I’m happy here
To be licked by the warmth
Of eternal youth