Hello there!
The simple chime of a tainted clock.
Time ticks burdened by the heavy weight
Ooh I like the touch of assonance I see here with words such as "tainted" and "time" and even the words "ticks" and "taunts" in the first stanza because it helps manage rhythm and keeps a set of words flowery to whoever is hearing them, which can be partially blamed for why proverbs like “there's no place like home” work well and are remembered.
The patchwork quilt of our dreams
slowly being pulled apart by the years that slip by like sand.
Sand and quilts are two of my favourite poetry images to intertwine into bigger pictures mainly because they feel so nostalgic. I can think of sand and remember when I went to the beach with my siblings, or I can think of a quilt my grandmother made for me when I was really young, which are some good memories to me.
I do have some things to mention that have can be edited or just looked over in case of any corrections that might be needed ~
Breaking those necks
that have already been snapped
by the cruel hunter that is society.
I tend to like personification of society as a whole, but the usage of "hunter" confuses me because it could mean so many things from a glance at hunters killing animals already in danger of extinction to society painting people being too perfect and hating on those who aren't under that branch of classification in their eyes.
Low self-esteem can be blamed on society as well, which is the most common reason I've learned from myself when I was younger and my own friends struggling with that currently long past the whole teen age range.
But soon those chains,
Burst open
I'm a little of unsure of how chains could break open. You might need some heavy equipment to break them, but even then, the idea of it being opened doesn't exactly sit right with me especially if they are some not-so lackluster chains.
Ah nice to see some of your poetry ~
L & T
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